DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 40 years. As in all marriages, we've had our ups and downs, but recently I can hardly stand to be around him. He has been scammed a couple of times, and he gets furious when I try to warn him they are scams. We have separate bank accounts, and I have made him start giving me the money for his share of the household bills when he gets paid so he doesn't blow it. Now if I ask him where he spends his money, he ignores me.

Last night, he asked me what I had bought from a specific place. I asked him why I needed to tell him because he doesn't tell me where he spends money. He said, "Because you're my wife, and I love you." When I asked why the opposite doesn't seem to apply, he, of course, said nothing.

Later, he asked if I was mad, and I told him I'm more hurt than mad. He didn't say anything the rest of the night and today he acts like every other day (which means very little interaction). I don't know what to do anymore. Do you have any advice? -- FRUSTRATED WIFE IN IOWA

DEAR WIFE: You bet I do. If ever I've heard about a couple who needs marriage counseling, it's the two of you. Marriage and family therapists hear about this sort of thing often. Ask your doctor to refer you to someone licensed and qualified to help you and your husband over this rough patch.

DEAR ABBY: What do you say when going to visit a not-so-close relative who is dying? I have an aunt who has been diagnosed with late-stage cancer and has recently gone on hospice. She may have one to four months to live. I used to spend time around her during family functions when I was younger, but I haven't seen her in at least a decade now, although we live in the same town.

I'm good at making small talk under normal circumstances and I know how to write nice cards for birthdays and such, but what do you say to someone who's dying whom you haven't talked to in a long time? You can't ask, "How have you been?" or treat them like it's the last time you'll see them (even if it may be). I'd like to visit her before she passes, but I am at a loss for words. Please help. -- CLUELESS NEPHEW IN IDAHO

DEAR NEPHEW: Much depends upon the condition your relative is in when you visit. Keep in mind, she may have some things she would like to say to you. That said, some things you might convey:

"Thank you for seeing me. I know it has been some time since we've seen each other, but I wanted to come and tell you how much I always enjoyed and appreciated the time we spent together at all those family functions. Thank you for that. I won't stay long because I don't want you to waste your energy, but you need to know that I love you and always will."

Understand that your presence there is as important as anything you might say to her. Remember that if you get stuck for words.

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my own prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who have sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I've been divorced for 10 years and have since remarried. I began dating my current wife nine years ago. I have four daughters, ages 24 through 37. Since the divorce, our relationships have been strained because my ex continues to hold them emotionally hostage by feeding her narrative that I'm the bad guy for initiating the divorce. Because my daughters seem to believe everything their mother tells them, it's been difficult to reintegrate back into their lives because they don't know what to believe or who to trust.

My new wife gets frustrated when they don't call me for the big events (birthdays, Father's Day, holidays, etc.). And I feel horrible because her kids make a point of contacting me for every event. Should I continue accepting where things are with my daughters and wait for them to realize I'm not the monster their mother has painted me as? Or should I try having a hard conversation with each of them and take my chances on possibly saying the wrong thing and making things worse? -- DAMNED IF I DO OR DON'T

DEAR DAMNED: I'm not sure what the circumstances were that made you divorce their mother, but your daughters are no longer children. They are fully into adulthood. I do think a conversation with each of them is in order.

If you approach the subject saying that things don't always work out as planned, and had you found living with their mother to be tolerable you would still be married, it might make the rest of what you have to say more palatable. If your ex has accused you of infidelity, you have a right to defend yourself as long as you don't assassinate their mother's character (which is likely what she has done to yours).

DEAR ABBY: I am the youngest of four sisters. I lost one of them, "Rachel," to cancer several years ago. She and I were considered the "failures" of the family because we had to work hard to take care of our families, whereas our other two sisters married into money. Rachel didn't take part in many family get-togethers because, I'm guessing, she felt out of place. I didn't understand it then, but I do now that she's gone because I feel the same way.

It's aggravating for me now when my sisters come to town. They don't understand how hard we have to work to get by. They think we and our children, who are out working hard too, can take time off anytime to get together with them when they come on short notice. It's aggravating, and I'm unsure how to approach this. Please help. -- 'FAILURE' IN FLORIDA

DEAR 'FAILURE': Your "successful" sisters appear to be annoyingly obtuse. The next time you receive an invitation on short notice, patiently explain to them the difference in your lifestyle and theirs and point out that it precludes you changing your schedule at the drop of a hat. Then tell them the amount of time you need to prepare. (Why you would want to get together with anyone who makes you feel "less than" puzzles me.)

DEAR ABBY: My in-laws have repeatedly attempted to destroy my marriage. My husband knows they trash-talk us to family, thinking we don't know it, but he won't put up any meaningful boundaries or check them whatsoever. I have lost all respect for him because he lies to me, telling me he has confronted them, when I know for a fact he hasn't.

We separated over this issue, and he spent four years dragging his feet until I got sick of his stalling and began dating to get him to act. He wanted to reconcile, so I made the terms of getting back together clear: Confront his family about their toxic behavior, get therapy for his self-esteem issues and finish working on our house so we could sell it and move away from our neighbor, the heroin dealer who had been harassing us for years.

He finished the house, and after two years on and off the market, I ended up selling it. But the confrontation with his family never happened. I still catch them talking trash about us, and he has refused to go to therapy. I've been through therapy and anger management and have come a long way. But he's firmly entrenched in his dysfunction and doesn't see or care how it affects me.

I spent the first 10 years of our marriage being an unprioritized afterthought of a wife. I refuse to continue to be that person after everything we've been through. When is enough enough? -- AT A CROSSROADS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR CROSSROADS: Enough was enough when you finally realized your husband wasn't going to change and accepted that he will never be strong enough to draw the line with his abusive family. I'm surprised your marriage has lasted this long.

DEAR ABBY: How do you handle a friend who never stops talking? My longtime friend has always been a good storyteller, but as we become older, she hijacks every conversation when we get together. She's oblivious to verbal or body cues that the rest of us are done with the "conversation" she has chosen and would like to move on. If someone is able to get a word in edgewise, she immediately returns to the previous subject.

I come away from gatherings feeling angry and frustrated. Is there a way to address this without blowing up a lifelong relationship? -- MUZZLED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MUZZLED: I don't think there is. You stated that your longtime friend has always been a good storyteller. It is possible that, as you all are growing older, she has begun having cognitive problems. It may also be a reason why she's not picking up on social cues. Would her spouse (if she has one) or her children (if she has any) have noticed any changes? Start asking. And if the response you receive is that this is "just the way she is," for the sake of your sanity, see her less often.