DEAR ABBY: I moved to a small rural town and haven't made many friends yet. I recently gave up on one friend because I can't accept his behavior toward his puppy. He has always been aggressive in disciplining the pup, but in my estimation, he crossed the line. When his pup tried to bolt out the door to greet me, he started beating it and yanked on its collar.

I told my friend this was unacceptable, and I walked home. He followed me and tried to convince me it was normal to smack a puppy, yell at it and yank on the collar to discipline it. I told him I wasn't interested in being friends unless he's willing to take the pup to obedience training. He said he doesn't need to because he's raised many dogs in the past.

Was I unreasonable to insist he take his pup to obedience class as a condition of our continued friendship? -- DOG WHISPERER IN OREGON

DEAR WHISPERER: If you prefer not to be around someone who abuses animals, that is your choice, and I commend you for it. There are better ways to teach puppies how to behave, and one of them is rewarding good behavior rather than instilling fear. However, to insist that this person take his dog to obedience classes (which might be more than he can afford) may have been presumptuous.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband for 19 years, and we have established a loving, stable relationship despite some very tumultuous times. I have always known he finds me attractive, and he compliments my appearance, but many times throughout our marriage, his demeanor toward me has changed if someone more attractive is around. (He repeatedly checks out women while we are on a date, or even pretends not to know me when they walk by.) He has never been unfaithful or anything like that.

He recently told me I'm "very attractive" but not beautiful, and that the women he has disrespected me over in the past were more attractive than I am. His comparisons of me vs. them are uncalled-for and embarrassing and have made me question my appearance. I'm not bothered if he finds people attractive, but to treat me poorly because of it and make distinctions between my looks and theirs makes me feel inadequate and judged.

Are my feelings normal? Isn't it understandable to feel put off, or am I nitpicking, immature and expecting too much? -- ATTRACTIVE, NOT BEAUTIFUL

DEAR ATTRACTIVE: Under the circumstances, your feelings are normal. That your husband would "pretend he doesn't know you" is beyond the pale. It's time to quit looking in the mirror and take a hard look at the person you married. From what you have written, your husband is juvenile, shallow, insensitive and not the sharpest tool in the drawer.

Your husband married you for who you are. What he has been doing is unkind and disrespectful. He shouldn't have to wear blinders, but he also should not be courting whiplash ogling women in your presence. Believe me when I say you have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to "Chuck" for 40 years. We've had a fairly decent life together, even though Chuck drank heavily for 35 of those years. Now, as we enter our twilight years, he has experienced various medical problems, which have prompted him to stop drinking altogether. Although this is a good thing, I still would like to have a drink once in a while.

When I imbibe (no more than two or three), Chuck becomes irritable and starts fights. There is no violence, but he snaps, swears and then gives me the silent treatment. Please advise me about how to handle this. I've been trying to "sneak" my drinks behind his back, but why should I?

By the way, I have contributed more than my fair share financially and have taken on all domestic responsibility in this relationship, pretty much since Day One. Am I stuck with Chuck? -- LIGHT DRINKER IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR LIGHT DRINKER: Have you not read anything the former surgeon general posted on the internet about alcohol consumption? More than one drink a day for women may increase the likelihood of cancer of the breast, esophagus, stomach, pancreas and colon. You may want to consider curtailing your alcohol intake.

The fact that seeing you imbibe has such a negative effect on your husband may be an indication that his own sobriety is shaky. If you really feel the need to have an alcoholic beverage (or two or three), consider doing it away from the house with women friends.

DEAR ABBY: My wife is a wonderful and loving person. She has only one fault, but it drives me crazy. Our house is well maintained, but she is a closet slob. Every closet, every cabinet, every drawer and every storage space is crammed with junk. Her walk-in closet is piled waist-high with stuff. You can't walk in there. You also can't open a single drawer in the house because of the stuff crammed inside.

These aren't precious belongings. It's simply junk that hasn't been used in 15 years. I can't tell you the number of times I have had to move boxes around to get to something I need or to fix something. I have tried talking to her about it, writing her a letter about my feelings and just getting mad. Nothing works.

My anger has built to the point where I cannot take it any longer. Every time I stumble across the mess, I get angry. It is no longer rational, and I am even losing sleep over it. My wife treasures her possessions more than she treasures me or our relationship. What can I do? -- BLOCKED IN MONTANA

DEAR BLOCKED: Because you're losing sleep over this and are ready to throw in the towel, address your concerns to your wife in those terms. Tell her that because you aren't communicating well on this subject, you want the two of you to consult a licensed marriage and family therapist.

People who have the tendency to hoard the way your wife does sometimes suffer from anxiety, depression or some other emotional problem. There is help for it, thank heavens. But you have to ask for it, and your wife has to be willing.

DEAR ABBY: I was married to a police officer for 20 years. It wasn't a warm marriage. We divorced 20 years ago. Our one child is in his late 30s. I always put my son first and loved him with all my heart.

During the last year of my marriage, my ex was poisoning my coffee. After drinking my one cup of afternoon coffee, my heart rate would go as high as 200 beats a minute until I passed out. When I woke up, the rate would be back to normal. I set up a camcorder and captured him putting something in the well of the coffee pot. At the time, we had half a million dollars in life insurance on me. This poisoning had been happening on and off for about a year until I finally figured it out.

I didn't confront my husband and moved out immediately. I told no one except my mother. I did not tell my son because I wanted to protect him from knowing something so horrible about his dad. My son has hated me ever since the divorce because I received half his dad's pension. I never disclosed the physical and mental abuse I endured.

My son speaks to me only once or twice a year, and when he does, he is very unkind. My heart is broken over this. I believe I should have told him about this a long time ago, but I'm afraid even with the proof of the recording, no one would have believed a police officer would do such a thing. I didn't want my son to have to live with the knowledge. That recording is in a safety deposit box at the bank. Should I destroy it? -- SURVIVED IN THE EAST

DEAR SURVIVED: No, you should not destroy the recording. Tell a trusted friend or your lawyer that you have a safe deposit box you want opened upon your death and what is in it. Then have that recording copied and the copy sent to your son. He deserves to know the whole story instead of only his father's side of it.

DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law and his wife are expecting their first child. My husband and I are happy for them. We recently shared that we are expecting our first child two months after them. They were surprised but seemed excited for us to be raising children of similar age.

Unfortunately, the next day, I suffered a miscarriage and was hospitalized the following week with complications. It has been two weeks, and neither my husband nor I have heard from them. We know they are aware of what happened. It surprises me they wouldn't check in or even send a text message. What should we make of their lack of contact? -- FUTURE MAMA IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FUTURE MAMA: What you should make of their lack of contact is that they may not know what to say to you. They could suffer from a form of survivor guilt because their pregnancy is progressing. Because they are extended family, the chances are great that you'll be seeing them again. Raising the subject then would be appropriate if you feel the need.