DEAR ABBY: After several years of worsening arguments, I told my father I was tired of fighting with him, and we needed family counseling. He was deeply, explosively offended and not only refused to talk about counseling, but also ceased all contact with me.

He called my siblings and told them I was disowned and then changed his will. This was surely an overreaction, but it might be generational. When I said we needed to see a therapist, I think he heard me calling him (or us?) mentally ill, which he found unacceptable.

The relationship with my dad is probably not repairable, but he has told all of our extended family that I'm the one who cut off contact with him and that I started it. I guess that's sort of true because I said we needed to be in counseling before we visited each other again, but the way he tells the story made me look like a villain, and my aunts and cousins stopped inviting me to family events. No one will pick up the phone or answer emails.

I have a good job and live on my own, so it's not that I need their support, but I miss them and hate them thinking so poorly of me. Besides going to counseling myself, which I'm doing, what can I do? -- MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MISSING: There is little more you can do besides what you have already tried. You might send out one more mass email blast explaining in detail what happened with your father, tell them you love and miss them and that you are sorry that your suggestion that you and Dad have family counseling resulted in your being shunned (which is what is happening). Then get on with your life and gather a "chosen family" of friends who are supportive in good times and bad.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired nurse on a limited income. Shortly after retiring, I used a large part of my retirement money to pay off the house, put on a much-needed new roof and purchase a car and various household necessities so I could at least come close to living on my Social Security income.

For the last seven years, my daughter has lived with me along with her children, who have grown in number from one to three in that short time. She's unable to keep a job because she has a variety of mental and medical issues, so I have gladly helped with co-parenting the children.

I pay the bills, run errands and provide the transportation for our household while she does most of the food procurement. Some of the disputes we wind up having are about the food -- eating and wasting, etc. Because I have allowed her to live here and already pay almost all the bills, am I wrong for wanting a say in matters of menu and grocery lists? She gets very possessive about the shopping choices. -- FUSSING OVER FOOD IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FUSSING: You are a loving, caring and generous mother. I assume you are also paying for the food your daughter is buying. If that's the case, then your wishes should prevail when it comes to what's on the menu.

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years into our marriage, I'm struggling to honor my wife's desire for space and independence. I can be a hopeless romantic, and my attempts to communicate my desire for trustworthy and healthy boundaries have actually made it worse.

We had a romantic origin story in a foreign country, and we haven't had a vacation together with the kids in 10 years. She enjoys going on solo vacations so she can be "free" to have adventures where she can get attention from other men.

I trust her and love her deeply, but her returning to the exact location where we met romantically so she can be the object of other men's desire is hurtful. When I've communicated this, she says I'm being "needy." I disagree.

How can I let my wife be free and independent when the ways in which she does it are hurtful to me? When I express this openly and honestly, I'm made to feel as if it's a "me" problem to resolve for myself.

There are subtle and sometimes overt comments that make me feel like our connection is slipping away, and I refuse to let that happen. We are in counseling, but she's against it. What do you do when your desire for a deeper connection with your wife is rebuffed? -- LOSING IT IN NEW YORK

DEAR LOSING IT: I am so glad you and your wife are in counseling, because you both need it. Since your wife is doing this against her will, I urge you to continue alone if necessary.

Please understand that you cannot save a marriage all by yourself. There has to be a mutual willingness, and it often involves compromise. Ten years since a family vacation is a very long time. For her to take solo vacations so she can appear to be single (if that's her reason) is hardly working on your marriage, and you have not been "needy" by pointing out that fact.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a twice widowed lady. I'm also a snowbird. There is a gentleman, also a snowbird, who comes south and stays with the family across the street from me. He's very nice, and we have gone to dinner a few times, but I have no desire to have more than a casual relationship. I drink good wine; he's a beer drinker.

Last week, he came to visit and brought a large bottle of very inexpensive (and awful) wine. I graciously had a small glass, but it wasn't to my liking. He has mentioned that he has bought yet another bottle of this wine for us to share.

How do I tell him I only want to be friends and that my taste in wine is more refined than his without coming across as a snob? I don't want to hurt his feelings, but I just can't drink another glass of it. -- CABERNET QUEEN IN FLORIDA

DEAR QUEEN: Before you see this nice man again, ask him to return the wine he purchased "for you to share" and tell him it's your turn to bring the wine. People have different tastes, and it isn't "snobbish" to make your preference known. As to the issue of just wanting to be friends, once he sees the price of the wine you prefer, he may be only too glad to go back to his beer.

DEAR ABBY: After many years of trying to keep our family together, divorce is our final option. My husband has had two affairs that I know of during our 30-year marriage. They hurt me deeply. We've had lots of counseling, but we can't get past the damage and breakdown in communication.

Should I tell our university-age children about the affairs? I kept them secret for years because he was a good father, and I didn't want to ruin my kids' relationship with their dad. But now that we are breaking up, I'm afraid I may be blamed when our situation is entirely his fault.

I did everything I could to save our marriage, including forgiving the first affair, which happened before our kids were born, and raising what I thought were happy and successful children with him. Now he has blown this up again, and I'm angry he gets to continue having a good relationship with our children.

At the same time, I have a good relationship with my elderly father, although I suspect he may have cheated on my mother. After all these years, I don't know for sure and I'm grateful I don't. What do you think? Should my children know the real reason why we split? -- RESENTFUL IN CANADA

DEAR RESENTFUL: If your husband is true to form, your children will probably figure out for themselves that their dad has a character flaw. You stated that you are grateful you don't know the intimate details about your father. That's why I'm recommending you take a page out of your own book and refrain from the temptation to sling mud at your almost-ex.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I both have children in their mid-20s. I don't understand why she coddles her son to the point that he is just now learning to do laundry, clean his own bathroom, pay bills, grocery shop or even attend doctor's appointments on his own. She always has some excuse as to why he wasn't taught life skills when he was younger.

When it came time for her son to move out, she bought herself a new home instead. She stated it would be easier for him and that he shouldn't have to pay the price of a house with interest rates where they are. She then spent an insane amount on a home and moved, buying new furniture for herself and leaving her old stuff for him.

How can she not see she's doing more harm than good when it comes to teaching him independence? Both parents do this to him. My daughter, age 18, has been doing these things since she was 12, and that includes cooking, yard work, laundry and housework besides just vacuuming. Doesn't my friend realize it's harmful to not have her son do things on his own? Am I wrong for thinking this way? -- GOOD PARENT IN MICHIGAN

DEAR PARENT: You are not wrong. By not teaching her son survival skills he will need on his own (if he ever gets there), she has slowed his ability to fend for himself. This may have been an attempt to make his life easier. It could also have been an attempt to keep her beloved son dependent upon her as long as possible. Be thankful the young man is getting the lessons he is being taught, even if they are a little late.