DEAR ABBY: I have recently been diagnosed with a chronic illness. I am only 40, and I always took for granted that I had plenty of life left to live. I'm happily married, but I worry because my husband, "Al," has become my caretaker. I feel terrible about it.

My condition is very limiting. I'm in pain all the time and may have to stop working completely. I have developed depression and often cry at home. I feel so guilty, as if I have ruined his life. Al swears he just wants to be with me no matter what we have to go through. I'm just not sure I can handle holding him back from the rest of his life as well. I love him so much. What should I do? -- CHANGED IN TEXAS

DEAR CHANGED: Please allow me to offer my sympathy for your diagnosis. Having a painful, life-limiting health condition at such a young age would depress anyone. Please stop adding to it by burdening yourself with guilt for needing your husband's help. He loves you, and has assured you he "just wants to be with you no matter what."

It's important that you discuss your depression and guilt with your doctor. You may need counseling, medication and perhaps a support group to help you with the life adjustments that may lie ahead. Please gather your resolve to fight these negative emotions and reach out for the help you need. It is there, and once you do, you will realize you have a whole team ready to help you through this.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a book club I started with friends 13 years ago. The 12 of us have grown close and value, appreciate and respect each other. I recently invited a childhood friend to join. She's an avid reader.

Abby, although she's a nice person, she simply does not fit in with the group. She talks too much, tends to brag a lot and makes insensitive comments. An example: Two of us are leaving on a cruise soon, and she shared how tacky and claustrophobic she thinks those trips are. The rest of the group were appalled, and I feel awful that I introduced her into my longtime book club.

On the other hand, I cannot fathom telling my childhood friend the group would prefer she not attend. I am sure it would be hurtful. A few of us are hoping you will have a solution. Please help. -- READING THE ROOM

DEAR READING: How about being completely honest? Tell your childhood friend that if she wants to remain a member of the book club, she will have to brag and talk less and refrain from making insensitive comments. If she asks what you mean by that, repeat the example you shared with me.

P.S. While I can understand why the two of you who are going on the cruise might have been shocked into silence, it would have been better if those two had spoken up and confronted your friend about why she would volunteer something so negative.

DEAR ABBY: I've been married to my husband for almost 43 years. We haven't had sex in more than 10 years. He is a nasty drunk, which has grown worse. He is emotionally abusive and calls me lazy and fat.

He hurt his right shoulder three years ago and refused to seek medical attention for it. Two years ago, he had all his teeth extracted. Since then, he has lost at least 50 pounds, which, unfortunately, I seem to have gained. He drinks until he's falling-down drunk at least twice a week, and he then becomes nasty with me and our daughter. What should I do? -- HOPELESS IN TEXAS

DEAR HOPELESS: The relationship you have with your husband isn't a healthy one. Start getting yourself in better physical shape. Once you begin to take care of yourself, the better you will feel physically and emotionally. Begin attending Al-Anon meetings. There are many in almost every community. You can find a location at al-anon.org/info. Al-Anon is an offshoot of AA, and was created to provide support for friends and families of alcoholics. (Your husband qualifies.) After that, start looking for a job so you can gain some independence and eventually leave him completely. The atmosphere you have described is toxic.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sister-in-law, "Greta," who is married to my husband's older brother. I have invited her and their family to our home countless times over the past 10 years, giving plenty of time to RSVP. Greta has done the same, and I show up with my "brings." I then help to clean up and am pleasant.

Greta never attends our parties, gatherings, etc. She always responds with, "We have other plans," or, "We are just going to stay home." It hurts. Should I keep inviting them? Other family members are annoyed by her excuses. She has never liked me, but she's married to my husband's brother, and they have two children I would like to see. Should I stop? -- COURTEOUS IN COLORADO

DEAR COURTEOUS: If you want to see your nieces and nephews, why not invite them out to do something with you? That way, you can interact with them without having to spend time with someone you know doesn't particularly like you. Greta might also be grateful to have some time to herself. Frankly, it's surprising that Greta is the one refusing those invitations for her entire family, which makes me wonder how close your husband and his brother are.

DEAR ABBY: Where is the line, and how can I find it, between not judging someone and holding them accountable for their behavior? I know every situation is different, but is there some general guidance you can offer? -- WONDERING IN OREGON

DEAR WONDERING: When you judge another person, it implies that you hold yourself above them. By judging someone, you are not necessarily holding that person accountable. Holding someone accountable doesn't necessarily mean you're judging the person, but rather establishing a boundary you feel shouldn't be crossed.

DEAR ABBY: I've been with my husband, "Harry," for 10 years, married for four, and already I'd like a divorce. We have two small children. I'm a stay-at-home mom while he works and pays the bills.

The problem is, he feels that because he works, he doesn't have to do anything else. He doesn't help around the house, help with the kids, spend time with us, nothing! I only ask that he do these things on his days off, but his days off are reserved strictly for himself.

Some days I could use a hand with our children. While I'm doing absolutely everything, he just sits acting like he doesn't hear or see what's going on in front of him. Even after seeing me becoming overwhelmed and frustrated, he won't help me.

I've had a thousand conversations with him about stepping up more when he's home, but it goes in one ear and out the other. I'd rather be single than have him just sit around when he's home because "he pays for everything." Am I wrong to feel this way? I need help. -- OUT OF BALANCE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR OUT OF BALANCE: Offer your husband a choice. Either the two of you talk with a marriage and family therapist to help rid him of his selective deafness, or you hire someone to help with the heavier chores he's unwilling to do. If he balks, remind him that you know he's tired of your nagging and it would be cheaper than a divorce.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my wife for 23 years, married 19 of them. We have two grown children, ages 22 and 20. I recently realized she's still in love with the guy she dated just before me. How did I find out? Well, one day my wife and I were watching a TV show together, and out of nowhere, she asked me my opinion on open marriages.

I gave her a vague answer and started investigating why she asked me that question. That's when I discovered text messages, phone calls and her diary for the last nine months. As far as I can tell, they haven't had sex yet, but she wants to. I did not confront her about it. I felt bad for invading her privacy, but then again, she was being sneaky. I need to know if I should stay or go. -- UNCOVERED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR UNCOVERED: Copy those texts and her diary. Then have a talk with your wife and ask her why she asked about your feelings on open marriage, because it was out of character. After she answers, say you have been thinking about her question and strongly feel your marriage should be monogamous. THEN tell her you have seen the calls, texts and diary, and if she wants to have sex with her old boyfriend, you will file for divorce.

DEAR READERS: Time flies! Daylight saving time ends at 2 a.m. Sunday. Don't forget to turn your clocks back one hour at bedtime tonight. While you're at it, be sure to put fresh batteries in your carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. -- LOVE, ABBY