DEAR ABBY: My son's former wife was difficult -- manipulative, spoiled and possessive. I tried to get along with her, but no matter what I did, she gave me no respect and turned my son against me. They have been divorced for six years. He began dating a few years ago, and each woman is a carbon copy of the ex-wife. He falls right back into the same pattern of ignoring me and letting his girlfriends "possess" him. I'm deeply hurt. I don't understand why he feels he has to choose between them and me. He is my son, and I shouldn't have to compete for his love.

I'm getting older now and have asked him for some help, but he refuses. I would just like a regular phone call and to see him. I am no longer invited to his house for holidays, nor does he randomly call just to talk. He has a new girlfriend, and it's back to the same old pattern. Please advise me. -- LOW PRIORITY IN OHIO

DEAR LOW PRIORITY: Please accept my sympathy. I know you are hurting. It seems your son is more attentive to you when he's between girlfriends but has tunnel vision when a new woman enters his life. For your sake, it's important you begin concentrating on building a reliable support system that is independent of him. To accomplish this, you must be willing to lend support to others, which will give you less time to be lonely. Volunteering may be the way to begin, whether for a charity, a political organization or your place of worship. There is so much need out there; you will feel better once you start filling it.

DEAR ABBY: After 37 years of marriage, all of a sudden, my husband has a problem with how I speak. He says it's my "tone." I can no longer discuss anything with him because it always ends up in an argument, not about the actual words I say, but how I say them. He can't seem to help himself. He constantly criticizes something about whatever I say. He has taken my voice away, and I feel invisible. He talks to me, but I'm supposed to only listen. If I ask a question or make a comment, he gets mad because I'm "interrupting him." I can no longer add to or participate in the conversation. After all these years, I can't communicate. It's like he hates the sound of my voice. Please tell me what to do. -- SILENCED IN TEXAS

DEAR SILENCED: As a matter of fact, I do have a suggestion (or two). The first is that BOTH you and your husband should have your hearing checked. You may be speaking more loudly than you used to, or your husband may have developed some kind of sensitivity to sounds in your vocal range. Second, if your hearing and his are within normal ranges, and everything checks out during your next physical exam, ask your doctor for a referral to a licensed marriage and family therapist. The behavior you are describing seems to be controlling and disrespectful, and a therapist may be able to guide you before you lose your mind.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I went to his co-worker "Tina's" house on a Friday night to socialize and play trivia games. We had been at her place before, for a Christmas party. Tina wore a short skirt, and when she sat down you could see all the way up to her black lace panties. During our "heads-up" game she sat right across from my fiance. While people were laughing and having fun drinking and playing games, all I could notice were her panties and Tina's loud laughs. She was drinking, and my fiance asked her, "Baby, are you feeling OK?" He said it loudly. Everyone heard it, and I felt myself getting really angry and red in the face. Why was he calling her Baby? We call each other that!

I don't want to return to Tina's house. My fiance says I overreacted. He doesn't tell me about his goings-on at work or about friend hangouts. We usually go out together alone. When I think back on that night, I still feel upset about it. Are my feelings valid? Do you think we need couples therapy before we get married? -- UNEASY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR UNEASY: Allow me to save you some money. Rather than tell your fiance you think you need couples counseling because his co-worker drinks too much, say instead you were not impressed by the performance Tina put on that evening, and you prefer the two of you skip game nights at her place and socialize with people with whom you have more in common.

DEAR ABBY: My mother is still married to the man who molested my siblings and me. How do I forgive her and move past it? We had a close mother-daughter relationship until two years ago, when I asked her why she was still married to the man her children told her repeatedly had molested them. She didn't answer. She chose him, walked out and we haven't spoken since. It's hard for me to deal with. I don't understand, and I don't know how to get past it. Not having your mother because she passes away is hard, but the feeling of not having her while she's alive is a whole different kind of pain. -- FULL OF PAIN IN TEXAS

DEAR FULL OF PAIN: In my opinion, not all sins are forgivable. Chief among them is turning a blind eye to children who are being sexually abused. Your mother made her choice years ago, and I can only imagine how hurtful it has been for you. An organization called R.A.I.N.N. (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) may be helpful because it can connect you with experienced therapists. (The website is rainn.org.)

The man to whom your mother has given her allegiance is a danger to the community. If he would abuse you and your siblings, he would have no compunction about doing it to other children given the opportunity. You (and your siblings) should notify the police about what happened to you because it could happen over and over again.

DEAR ABBY: Would it be wrong to reach out to my biological mother for financial help? I was adopted when I was just 2 months old. I was lucky to have wonderful parents, but they are in poor health, and it's affecting both of them physically. I'm going into debt helping them out financially. They are on a fixed income that barely covers their expenses. Would it be wrong of me to ask my birth mother for that help? We see each other occasionally. My birth mother sold her house and isn't hurting financially. I don't want to sound entitled. I just need some help, and I'm prepared for a no. -- ENTITLED TO ANYTHING?

DEAR ENTITLED: It isn't your birth mother's responsibility to support the couple who adopted you, particularly since the request for money would be ongoing. You stated that you see her only occasionally. (If you do what you are considering, you may be seeing her less often.) If your parents still have relatives, you might have some success if you approach them for the financial help you are seeking. If not, reach out to your local Area Agency on Aging for guidance.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dan," and I separated for four months. We have now reunited. However, his son "Ryan" told me he never wants to see me again. I wrote him a letter, expressed my remorse and invited him to visit, but have received no response. Ryan shuns me now. My husband is going to invite him to visit, but I don't know how I will deal with it. I do not want to be his hostess. What should I do? -- BACK TOGETHER IN WEST VIRGINIA

DEAR BACK: IF Dan invites Ryan to visit, and IF Ryan agrees, put on a smile and become the most gracious hostess since Perle Mesta. (If you don't know who she was, look her up.) Your husband may be able to mediate a resumption of harmonious family relations. If his son regarded your leaving as a personal rejection, Dan may be able to disabuse him of that idea and patch things up.

DEAR ABBY: I was recently discharged from the hospital. Family members have told my husband to call if there's anything they can do to help. That makes one more thing for my husband to do -- make a phone call. I'd like to suggest a better way to help. Family members, please call and tell my husband what specifically you would like to do to help. Some examples: Bring a meal. Do an errand. Sit with me while my husband goes out to do errands, etc. I think the best thing anyone can do is bring a meal. It's one less thing for the caretaker to have to do. The food doesn't have to be homemade; it can be bought. Patient and caregiver still have to eat. Thank you, Abby, for letting me make this point. -- HAPPY TO BE HOME

DEAR HAPPY: Your point is well taken. You are right. It never hurts to volunteer what you could do to help someone recovering from a medical procedure. Some suggestions: Do some marketing or laundry or pick up their child from school and take them to the park to burn off some energy.