DEAR ABBY: I've been married for 34 years. During most of them, I was unfaithful. I never felt like I was truly married because my husband never gave me the time of day, but I liked my marital status because, I guess, we were companions. As soon as my kids married and the nest was empty, I left. I didn't feel I needed to stay and be unhappy, so I moved out. Why I didn't divorce him during those eight years is beyond me.

We are now back together, and I don't know why. We're not physically attracted to each other, and he is manipulative, selfish and sarcastic. Why, Abby, am I afraid to move on from this? I hate it when we're alone at home. I'd rather spend the day with my grandchildren. I didn't miss him at all when I was away, but he called me often and I felt obligated and guilty. What should I do? -- SEARCHING FOR HAPPY IN ARIZONA

DEAR SEARCHING: If you really want to find "happy," the place to start would be in the office of a licensed psychotherapist. Once you figure out why you were willing to settle for marriage to a manipulative, selfish, sarcastic man to whom you are not attracted, you will figure out what your next move should be. From where I sit, it should be in the direction of the office of a lawyer who can help you untangle yourself from your unhealthy marriage once and for all.

DEAR ABBY: I work for a department within law enforcement that has been on a hiring spree for the past few months due to retirements. One of our new hires is an obnoxious know-it-all. When we are talking policy, she constantly corrects us, usually incorrectly. When we try to explain to her about her being wrong, she twists whatever we're talking about to make her sound right, or says we're being rude.

It's not just policy stuff. Everyday conversation can be frustrating. I made a comment about a geographical location, and she proceeded to argue about it. She then Googled it and realized I was, in fact, correct. I don't want to argue with someone daily who thinks she's always right. I've tried to let it go or say, "Yes, OK, you're right," but it is hard sometimes. My boss is no help. He doesn't deal with her daily, so he doesn't see it and says we all "just need to get along." How do I professionally approach this situation? -- OVER HER IN OREGON

DEAR OVER HER: If this new hire's personality problem continues, it could poison the entire department. Ask your co-workers if they have experienced what you have with the woman and, if they have, how they feel about it. If they agree that her need to be right even when she's wrong presents a problem, approach your boss as a group to discuss it. That way, it will be chalked up as a personnel problem rather than a personal one.

TO THOSE WHO CELEBRATE ROSH HASHANA: At sundown tonight, the Jewish New Year begins. During this time of solemn introspection, I wish my Jewish readers, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: I'm a recovering alcoholic who has been sober for more than 12 years. My road to sobriety has been long and dark, but I am proud of turning my life around and staying sober. My problem is how my mother treats me about it. She keeps reminding me of all the mistakes I made and the people I hurt when I was still drinking.

I also struggle with manic depression and have a hard enough time forgiving myself for my past actions, let alone having someone continually bring up every single one. I try every day to be a better person, and I'm an open book when it comes to my life and flaws.

My mother constantly accuses me of falling into my old habits and says I'm lying about it, even though she's been given truth and proof that I'm not. My long-term boyfriend and other family members can vouch for me. It's to the point where she's so in my head and cruel with the things she says that I'm spiraling back into depression, which is taking a toll on my confidence and mental health.

I have tried cutting her out of my life, but I live with a family member she's close to, so she shows up at our house and continues her belittling. I'm starting to lose patience and also my sanity. What do you do? Please help! -- STILL STAYING SOBER

DEAR SOBER: Understand that your toxic mother may have some kind of fixation on torturing you. When she shows up, absent yourself immediately. From your experience, you know she's the kind of person who drives others to drink, so involve yourself with her as little as humanly possible. Your sobriety and sanity depend on it.

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are going back and forth about setting a date for our wedding. We have begun arguing lately about normal relationship issues. He calls them fights, when all I'm trying to do is express my feelings so we get on the same page. Then, instead of talking, he shuts down and clams up. It makes me crazy.

Now he's saying he won't set a date until our relationship is "healthy." He says we fight too much; I think it's a lack of communication. Now I say nothing because I'm afraid he won't want to set a date at all. I don't know what to do. Setting a date is important to me, but I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth it. Please help. -- DESTINATION UNKNOWN IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR D.U.: Tell your fiance you think he was absolutely right when he told you he didn't want to set a wedding date until your relationship is "healthy." (I agree, by the way.) Tell him you love him and how important you feel communication is in any relationship. Then suggest the two of you seek premarital counseling.

Premarital counseling allows couples to preempt issues that could cause problems in a marriage, from child rearing to money to sex. If your fiance's method of handling disagreements is to shut down, there may be a way to correct it during some of those sessions.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 26 and not currently in a relationship. I don't have many friends. I'd like to have more, and I try. I wasn't popular in middle and high school, either. I have been in and out of college, so I haven't been able to make friends there. I have worked at my job for three years and it's the same story.

People say I'm "sweet, nice and cheerful," but those traits aren't helping me. I know you've written about this problem before. Can you give me some tips for being someone who others want to be around? -- EAGER IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR EAGER: The keys to being well-liked by both men and women are these: Be kind. Be honest. Be tactful. Don't be afraid of giving someone a compliment if it is deserved.

You do not have to be beautiful (or handsome) to put your best foot forward. Be well-groomed, tastefully dressed and conscious of your posture. (People who stand tall project self-confidence.) Stay informed about current events, but refrain from forcing your opinions on others. Ask them what they think and encourage them to share their opinions.

If you're smarter than most, resist the temptation to be a know-it-all. Good conversationalists are interested in what others have to say rather than filling the air with the sound of their own voices. Cultivate your own interests so you will have things to talk about with others.

My booklet, "How To Be Popular" contains many other tips on how to approach others, and what to say and not to say when trying to make conversation. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds), to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

Above all, remember that social adeptness isn't something that comes naturally to everyone. It is a skill that needs to be practiced until it becomes second nature. When you receive your booklet, don't read it just once. Keep it on hand for reference because it contains many helpful suggestions about how to be the kind of individual others find interesting and attractive.

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who has been married to my husband for two years. My problem is his brother. He tries to sabotage our marriage every chance he gets -- from making rude comments to propositioning me and sending me nude pics of himself. The other problem is, my husband always takes his brother's side. He knows his brother is dysfunctional but insists I should keep giving him another chance even though, when I have, it never turns out well. What should I do? -- BUGGED IN ARIZONA

DEAR BUGGED: So your brother-in-law has the hots for you, and your husband is in denial. It may take couples counseling to help him see the light. In the meantime, spend as little time around the brother as possible and, when you are forced to be in his company, do not be alone in a room with him.