life

Introvert Wants To Avoid Planned Outing With Group

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 8th, 2023 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am in a group of friends who are mainly from the same country. We bond pretty well and occasionally spend time together. We mostly communicate by text in a chat group. Once in a while I get messages from them -- mostly greetings or chats about general stuff, but nothing personal.

I'm an introvert, so I'm comfortable with the level of closeness we have right now. I don't crave deeper connections with them, and I'm happy with how things are. If I have the chance to get together, I do my best to see them for meals or other activities.

In a few weeks, there is a plan for us to do an outdoor activity that requires an overnight stay. I'm not excited about it. It makes me nervous to think about spending that much time with people who are not my family. I don't mind having lunch and chitchatting all afternoon, but being around them for more than 24 hours feels like too much to handle.

I tried hinting that I'm not interested by saying I don't have any equipment for the activity. Now there is pressure for me to go because they suggested I can use their equipment. I really don't know how to say I don't want to go without seeming like I'm antisocial. Please help! -- PEER-PRESSURED

DEAR PEER-PRESSURED: Everybody is different. Not everyone is an extrovert and able to handle the stimulation of being around other people for an extended period of time.

IF you were to accept the invitation, would there be a way you might manage some alone time so you could recharge your batteries? If you could, it might solve your problem. However, if the answer to that question is no, be honest. Tell your friends the truth, that this is one excursion you will have to pass on and why.

life

Daughter's Relationship Is Different Than Mom's Were

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 8th, 2023 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 12-year-old daughter has a girlfriend she's been "dating" for about eight months. They're not sexually active, and they only see each other socially a couple of weekend days every month, but they do FaceTime with each other every day. From what I can gather, they are also attached at the hip during school hours.

My concern is the length of this relationship. I remember when I was their age I had a crush on a different boy practically every week, and boyfriends didn't last long. Is it healthy for her to be in such a serious relationship? She's a very social person, has lots of friends and is active in sports. Part of me wishes they would break up so she can experience other relationships and not be tied down at such a young age. What do you think? -- TWEEN'S MOM IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR MOM: I think that because your friendships ended after only a short time when you were your daughter's age does not mean that hers will (or should). Best friendships can last for years and even decades. Let your daughter mature at her own pace, and resist the urge to interfere.

life

Teens Build Relationship Amid Multiple Challenges

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2023 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a relationship with someone younger. I'm 17, and he's 15. When I first met him, I was told he was a junior. We were close friends and have been through so much together, good and bad, and we've now been in a six-month relationship.

We don't have bad intentions because we are waiting for marriage before having sex. I have struggled with depression and anxiety, but he makes me happier than I have ever been. He's the man I have been asking God for. He treats me like a princess. I have no doubt in my mind that he could be The One.

The problem is, his parents don't like the age difference. My parents don't have a problem with it because their age gap is the same. They are also very strict, and they will agree only if his parents agree. His parents have a bigger age gap but still are iffy about us. What I don't understand is why I can't be happy with him without our parents thinking we're going to have sex without thinking about consequences.

When we are together, we forget about the age gap. How do I make our parents understand? Must we break up for the sake of our parents when I could fall into another depression? I don't want to go back to where I was. I can't lose him. Please help. -- HAPPY GIRL NOW

DEAR GIRL: You don't have to lose this boyfriend, but you may have to postpone him. In the meantime, it's important that you receive help for your depression and anxiety because it's unfair to your boyfriend to make your happiness his responsibility. Your happiness should not be dependent on another person.

If your parents are unaware of your mental health struggles, tell them so they can assist you in getting professional help if necessary. If they cannot do that, talk about it with a counselor at your school.

life

Dog Is Being Spoiled by Stubborn 'Grandpa'

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2023 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Eli," and I bought a beautiful white Labrador puppy, "Sasha," two years ago. I live with him and my future father-in-law, "Harry," at his father's house. Eli's father is basically a man-child. Harry feeds Sasha table scraps, and even though we have asked him to stop, he doesn't. He laughs and says the food won't hurt her. I think he is being very disrespectful.

The extra food is making Sasha gain weight. We are worried about her health, but Harry doesn't care. We don't have enough money to move out yet. Harry is home a lot during the day when my boyfriend and I are working. We pay all of Sasha's vet and food bills. I'm not sure what to do about this. I would appreciate any advice you can give me. -- PET PROJECT IN NEW YORK

DEAR PET PROJECT: If possible, start asking friends or relatives if they would be willing to have Sasha stay with them during the day while you and Eli are working. Obesity isn't healthy for canines or humans, and regardless of Harry's motivation, he should not be stuffing your puppy after you have asked him not to.

life

Event From Man's Past Troubles Current Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2023 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Two years before he met me, my husband of four years did something I feel was morally repugnant: He solicited a prostitute. When he committed this act, he was going through a dark period in his life. He was divorcing a woman who had cheated and left him for another man, raising his young son and dealing with immense feelings of insecurity.

He told me all of this while we were dating, and I thought I would eventually get over it. However, almost five years into our relationship, it still haunts me and makes me question his character. I hate that he was capable of doing something like this, regardless of what he was going through.

I have tried therapy, and we've tried couples therapy -- nothing has helped me to move on. He says this is not the type of person he is now, but I just can't seem to separate the man who did that awful thing and the man I fell in love with. Are some actions so awful that they stain a person for the rest of their lives? Are we doomed? -- WRESTLING WITH IT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WRESTLING: Your husband was honest with you from the beginning of your relationship and has been, I presume, a faithful partner. As you stated, he was under a lot of pressure when that happened. I can't name one person who hasn't made a mistake sometime in the past, including me. Use some common sense and quit judging your poor husband for his one "slip," or please free him to find a woman who will appreciate him for who he is.

life

Couple's Retirement Not Going According to Plan

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2023 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My spouse and I are retired. I thought we would spend our retirement doing things together, but all she wants to do is sleep. It is not unusual for her to stay in bed for two days straight, getting up only to use the bathroom and get a drink. She does not help with the housekeeping or other household chores.

I've asked her why she sleeps so much. She tells me she doesn't know why. I have gone with her to her doctors, and they have run tests. Physically there's nothing wrong to account for all her sleeping. This leads me to believe she's taking prescription medication to be able to sleep as long as she does. When I asked her if this was the case, she denied it.

My wife was sexually abused as a child and is currently being treated for depression. Her doctor and I have wanted her to see a psychiatrist, but she absolutely refuses. I've talked to her on several occasions and let her know I'm unhappy with how this is affecting our marriage. She seems not to care.

I'm thinking of getting a separation. Do you think this is advisable? Or do you have any other ideas? I love her dearly and being apart is not what I desire. She deserves all my efforts to help her before I just no longer care and give up. -- FRUSTRATED IN INDIANA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Losing interest in things someone used to enjoy and sleeping for "two days straight" are classic symptoms of severe, chronic depression. It may have been triggered by her retirement.

Your wife definitely should be talking to someone. If it's not a psychiatrist, then certainly a psychologist who works with a psychiatrist who will prescribe medications if they are needed. You and her doctor should insist upon it, because your wife appears to be very ill.

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