DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is an attention-seeker. She's very loud and talks in a baby voice so that everyone looks at her. She made my wedding shower and, years later, my baby shower all about her and the gifts she gave. Not only did it take the spotlight from my husband and me, but it made other family members' gifts or contributions seem inadequate. She always has to give the biggest and best (while letting everyone know) and distract from other people's special moments.

My daughter is being married in a year and a half. She has already told me she doesn't want Grandma "Dorothy" to come dress shopping because she doesn't want to be embarrassed, but she does want my mom and her fiance's mom and grandmother to be there. I have told her that she has to invite Grandma Dorothy.

I do love my mother-in-law, and I want her to come to all of the festivities. The problem is she gets irrationally mad if you ask her to modify her behavior in any way. My question is, how do I ask her to reel it in without offending her or making her mad? My husband's solution is to ignore his mother's behavior. -- CRINGING IN MISSOURI

DEAR CRINGING: It's time to step out of the way on this matter. You seem to have forgotten that this upcoming wedding is not your wedding, but your daughter's. Her wishes about who should attend what should prevail. If she understands the ramifications of excluding Grandma Dorothy and is willing to forgo the lavish gifts and contributions her grandmother bestows, then that should be her privilege. Further, the person who conveys that message should be your daughter, not you.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been separated for six months due to verbal abuse, physical abuse (both of us) and financial dishonesty and abuse (him). We have worked to better ourselves, and the separation has helped us realize that we do love each other and are committed to changing our ways.

I was preparing to move back home, and I informed him that I am going to go on a trip before a required medical procedure. I will be spending the summer recovering from this procedure, and I want to do something fun before I'm laid up for the next several months. I plan to go with my brother, his wife and another sister-in-law. My husband feels it is disrespectful for me to go on this trip. He said that if I go, I should expect divorce papers. Thoughts? -- BIG DECISION IN MONTANA

DEAR BIG DECISION: If your husband feels your going on the trip is disrespectful to him because he wasn't invited, go without him and make other arrangements for your recuperation. Someone who has worked successfully to better himself does not give ultimatums like the one he has given you. If you skip the trip, this is only the beginning of how he will threaten you in the future. Love him, if you will, but do not reunite with him.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years. I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to. Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day.

Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated. I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated. After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s. When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction. Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time. My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace. What do you think? -- THROWN IN KANSAS

DEAR THROWN: Please ignore your impulse to bolt. When you started your letter, you stated you had a good marriage to a man you respect and are attracted to -- with the bonus of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Your husband isn't having physical contact with anyone on the "hotline."

If your therapist hasn't told you, many thousands of individuals of both sexes consider porn to be erotica and helpful, and many couples use it to enhance their sex lives. Rather than sacrifice what has been a successful marriage, you and your husband would be better off scheduling some appointments with a marriage and family therapist, and possibly one who specializes in sex therapy to help you overcome your emotional issue on this highly personal subject.

DEAR ABBY: My former husband of 28 years cheated on me for the last 15 years of our marriage. For the last six years, I have been in a healthy and happy relationship. I went to counseling for five years and, per the counselor, I don't need to go anymore.

My 36-year-old daughter wants me to attend family gatherings with my ex and his wife (his third mistress). I have gone to two of them, but I really have no desire to do it any longer. My daughter is telling me I still have "issues that I need to heal" and has been lecturing me about this for years. Must I sacrifice my feelings for hers? -- CLEAN BREAK IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR CLEAN BREAK: No, you have suffered enough. I see no reason why you must continue to expose yourself to the company of two people you neither like nor respect. If your daughter cannot accept this, then perhaps she needs counseling to understand it.

DEAR ABBY: My adult daughter is single and lives alone. She lives five hours away but manages to visit every two months or so. The problem is, when she comes home, we hardly ever see her. She's mostly at her cousin's house. During her most recent visit, we saw her a total of one hour a day the five days she was here -- just enough time for her to come over, change clothes and leave again. She even sleeps there most nights.

I have asked her to spend more time with us, but we just end up arguing. She goes on vacation with them every year, but when I suggest we go on a family vacation, she always says, "I don't have money for that." I love her, but I'm beginning to feel used. Whenever she needs something, I'm the one she calls.

We have always butted heads, but my husband and I are getting older, and he has some health issues. I wish she would spend more time with him. I realize she wants to be with her friends when she's here, but no one travels to her place to see her. She does all the traveling to see them. I would have no problem with friends coming to see her here at the house. Am I being selfish? -- COMING IN SECOND

DEAR SECOND: You are not being selfish. You may, however, be unrealistic. You stated that you and your daughter have always "butted heads," and this is the result. I'm doubtful that you can get the message across to her without her becoming defensive. Your husband and daughter may be overdue for a meaningful conversation about his health and his desire to spend time with her while he can. As for her relationship with you, it seems she has made her feelings quite clear.

DEAR ABBY: Throughout the year, the department in which I work recognizes each employee's birthday with a cake -- except me. I have worked here for two years, and while my supervisor writes my birthday on a calendar that hangs in the front office, each year my birthday has come and gone without even a verbal acknowledgement. I watch as all the other employees in my department have their special day recognized with a cake brought in by the department supervisor.

I'm wondering why I was even asked when my birthday is and why it was written down if no mention is even made of it? My co-workers are all friendly with me, and I have never gotten the impression that I'm not liked, but I can't help but wonder if something I have done has caused this.

If this isn't something that is done for everyone, then it shouldn't be done at all. Am I just being immature because my feelings are hurt by this? Would you say anything in a situation like this? I would appreciate your feedback and advice. -- EXCLUDED IN ALABAMA

DEAR EXCLUDED: This is a question you should ask your supervisor because it likely was an oversight. Or, on your next birthday, bring a cupcake with a candle to the office and enjoy it with your lunch. ("Happy Birthday to ME!") Then highlight it on the calendar.