DEAR ABBY: My adult daughter is single and lives alone. She lives five hours away but manages to visit every two months or so. The problem is, when she comes home, we hardly ever see her. She's mostly at her cousin's house. During her most recent visit, we saw her a total of one hour a day the five days she was here -- just enough time for her to come over, change clothes and leave again. She even sleeps there most nights.
I have asked her to spend more time with us, but we just end up arguing. She goes on vacation with them every year, but when I suggest we go on a family vacation, she always says, "I don't have money for that." I love her, but I'm beginning to feel used. Whenever she needs something, I'm the one she calls.
We have always butted heads, but my husband and I are getting older, and he has some health issues. I wish she would spend more time with him. I realize she wants to be with her friends when she's here, but no one travels to her place to see her. She does all the traveling to see them. I would have no problem with friends coming to see her here at the house. Am I being selfish? -- COMING IN SECOND
DEAR SECOND: You are not being selfish. You may, however, be unrealistic. You stated that you and your daughter have always "butted heads," and this is the result. I'm doubtful that you can get the message across to her without her becoming defensive. Your husband and daughter may be overdue for a meaningful conversation about his health and his desire to spend time with her while he can. As for her relationship with you, it seems she has made her feelings quite clear.