DEAR ABBY: When I visit my three grandchildren on Fridays, my daughter-in-law never offers me any refreshment -- not even a glass of water or a cup of tea. She will eat in front of me and not offer me anything. I was taught that this is rude. Should I bring my own refreshment? (If I did, I would feel as though I would need to feed the whole family.)

I already travel quite far to get to her house -- 45 minutes each way -- and I bring snacks for the grandchildren. I visit them because it's easier for my daughter-in-law to have me over than to haul the 1-, 3- and 6-year-olds out to my house. I would love to be invited to stay for dinner, but it never happens ahead of time. If I come at 2 p.m., then around 5 p.m. I "may" be invited, but I feel it is out of obligation, so I don't stay. What should I do? -- TOO POLITE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TOO POLITE: You were raised in a home where you were taught good manners. Apparently, the woman your son married was not. No hostess with an ounce of class would eat in front of a guest without offering them anything. The haphazard way you are included at dinner makes me wonder if your daughter-in-law dislikes you and only tolerates your presence, because it certainly isn't calculated to make you feel welcome.

Talk this over with your son. If your visits are regarded as an imposition, perhaps you should take the grands for an outing rather than watch their mother eat.

DEAR ABBY: My son has a best friend, "Earl," he has hung out with since they were 14. Earl considers me his second mother because his real mother deserted him after he graduated from high school. He has never married or had kids. I'm 76, and Earl is 55. He does small jobs for me off and on, like changing the lightbulbs in my kitchen, fixing a light switch, replacing my windshield wipers, etc. He calls me off and on, and we email a lot. We both love movies and enjoy discussing them and the actors.

When he calls, I know I sometimes become long-winded. I'm sure Earl gets tired of me going on and on about my stuff. But instead of telling me he needs to go, he quietly hangs up on me. I think it's extremely rude. I wish he would just tell me he has to go -- I wouldn't be upset about that.

Earl never mentions it later, and we just go on as usual. I could tell him I'm never speaking to him again if he does it again, but I need him to help with those small tasks, so I don't want to make him mad. Must I remain silent about it? What should I do? -- LEFT HANGING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LEFT HANGING: Tell Earl that when he hangs up on you it is extremely hurtful. Explain that you know you are sometimes long-winded, and if he needs to end the conversation, there are kinder ways of doing it. Tell him that if he lets you know he needs to go, it will not hurt your feelings, and this is what you would prefer. Then cross your fingers that this "second son" gets the message.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for five years, with two children. I have been putting my hands on her in such a bad way that she's saying we are no longer a family and she wants a divorce. I need my wife and children back. It hurts me to stay away.

I'm currently going to church and Sunday school and Bible study. I have been praying many hours these past few weeks, and it is helping me. I will do anything and everything I can to get my family back because I don't want to lose them. What can I do to get them back? -- LEARNING A LESSON IN NEVADA

DEAR LEARNING: A good first step would be for you to gain some insight about what triggers you to act out violently. Was physical abuse an example that was set by your parents? Does it happen because you have a substance abuse problem? A course in anger management could help you break this destructive pattern. Search online for a program near you. After that, if your wife sees you are making a sincere effort, she may trust you enough to risk reuniting. A warning, however: Do not pressure her. This will have to be her decision.

DEAR ABBY: I'm friends with three people who got into a series of arguments. One of them no longer talks to the other two. I have remained friends with all three and I told them I want to remain neutral. I wasn't around when the arguments took place, and I don't want to be involved. One friend says that because I'm still friends with the other two, I'm taking their side and condoning how they treated her.

I didn't see the fights and I'm not condoning anyone's behavior. The one friend has now stopped being friends with me. I would like to be friends with everyone. Is this person right about me condoning the other two's actions by remaining silent and continuing my friendship with them? -- STAYING OUT OF IT IN MONTANA

DEAR STAYING OUT: No, they are not. What they are doing is trying to manipulate you. Repeat what you told them, and tell them that if they can't accept that you want to remain neutral, they will have lost another friend.

DEAR ABBY: I have a new job in a small office. I have never been comfortable meeting new people or learning a new job, so in order to appear friendly, I'd chime in to the office conversations. A couple of times, I have revealed too much of my life. Later, I found out the owner audio records the office. Everyone else knew it, but I was NEVER informed. Now I'm more embarrassed than ever, knowing that my information is now on record. I have since learned to self-censor. Abby, is it a common and legal practice for employers to bug offices? -- BIG MOUTH IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BIG MOUTH: This is a question you should ask an attorney who specializes in employment law. In several states, it is illegal for an employer to record conversations without first informing all the parties involved. You should have been informed at the time you were hired that this was company policy.

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-generation Mexican American who married into a Caucasian blended family. My husband, my stepdaughter, "Lisa," and her mother and stepfather make up a beautiful unit. I have no children. Although my family initially ruffled at my interracial marriage, they got with the program -- so much so that we invited Lisa to partake in a coming-of-age rite, the quinceanera. We were excited to update and modify it as much as possible so all sets of parents, grandparents and other family could be involved.

Suddenly, when Lisa was 14 -- a year before the quinceanera, when planning should be ramped up, not down -- my extended family went into radio silence. Despite our attempts to encourage, coach and generate excitement, we were led to believe Lisa had gotten cold feet and was reconsidering the event.

We honored her wishes and planned to find other ways to make her feel special. Two weeks before her 15th birthday, Lisa sent me an invitation for her quinceanera! Abby, words cannot express how heartbroken I feel. I was supposed to teach her about the cultural significance of what she was embarking on. I attended anyway, making sure to shower her with praise and put on a good face. However, in addition to being devastated, I was deeply offended. Of course, because no one bothered to check in, many features of the rite were handled improperly.

I've been holding my tongue for Lisa's sake since I'm afraid this could cause a rift with her mother. What I don't want is for Lisa to think my feelings have anything to do with something she may have done. For the sake of peace, is continued silence better? -- MADRE DE LA QUINCEANERA

DEAR MADRE: Your feelings of hurt and frustration are understandable. But Lisa chose to celebrate her birthday the way she and her mom wanted -- and that was her privilege. Rather than give the girl an authentic quinceanera and an understanding of the meaning of that milestone, it appears her mother and stepfather opted instead for "quinceanera-light." Do not pick a fight over this. Move on. But do continue to share with Lisa everything you have to offer -- your wisdom, your experience and your cultural heritage -- from now on.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a domestic partnership for more than 30 years. I have suggested couples counseling for the past 10 of them, but my partner has never followed through. I'm willing to give all my assets to her so I won't worry about her future financial needs, but I don't know how to leave her without getting into an ugly war, which will make me feel guilty. Please advise. -- WALKING ON EGGSHELLS

DEAR WALKING: Because this domestic partnership is no longer working, I do have a couple of suggestions. The first is to talk with a licensed mental health professional about the guilt you are feeling. Do this before you decide to "give away the store." My other suggestion is to consult an attorney about what kind of settlement would be fair to both of you before signing over any assets.