DEAR ABBY: I have a gay friend I'll call "Allen." We have been close friends for 13 years. Allen has visited me often with his friends from England, and two years ago, when I could finally afford to visit him, he invited me to stay in the home he shares with his boyfriend, "Rupert." Rupert took an instant dislike to me. He treated me rudely and mocked my American accent the entire time I was there. I let it be and concentrated on the beautiful scenery, the beautiful people I met and my longtime friend.

On my last day there, Rupert offered to take me around London, which surprised me. But I was happy to get into the city, so I agreed. It was extremely unpleasant. He berated me loudly in public, called me old and ugly and yelled at me at top of his lungs in a gift shop.

I texted Allen later that day asking if I could stay the last night at a hotel instead of their guest room. He replied by telling me all the stuff Rupert had texted to him that day about how I had been treating him badly. I was shocked. I hadn't mentioned anything about Rupert, but simply asked if he would be able to drive me to a hotel near the airport for my last night in England. I have since tried to reach out to Allen to explain my side of the story, but he continues to ignore me. Any advice on how to move forward would be helpful. -- SAD TRAVELER IN NEVADA

DEAR SAD TRAVELER: For whatever reason, Rupert regarded your long friendship with Allen as a threat, so he used the afternoon in London to cut you off at the knees. As long as Allen continues to ignore your efforts to mitigate the damage, consider him unreachable. With the passage of time, he may eventually realize how devious Rupert is, but this is a conclusion he must arrive at without your help. Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your friendship, which I am sure was important to you.

DEAR ABBY: Everywhere, it seems, there are books and guides for caring for aging parents. But what about aging siblings? The age difference is smaller, so it can end up with the elderly caring for the elderly -- especially if there isn't a next generation of family members on whom to rely.

As we baby boomers hit our 70s, we can find ourselves caring for siblings in their early 80s, and they're even less likely to listen to us than our parents were. Frankly, some of us are already worn out from caring for elderly parents. We're at the point of concern about our own health and that of our spouses. When you've got a 73-year-old trying to take care of an 80-year-old who is childless and lives 700 miles away, and who says only, "I'll let you know when I need you," it's frightening. Any guidance? -- DAUNTING IN THE SOUTH

DEAR DAUNTING: Yes, I think you should follow the directive of your 80-year-old sibling and wait to be asked for help instead of "hovering." Familiarize yourself with what senior services are available in their community and cross your fingers they will not be needed. In addition, take whatever relevant guidance you can from the books on caring for parents, because in many ways, there may be great similarities.

DEAR ABBY: One of my siblings was abused as a child. In turn, he abused me when he was a pre-teen and into his teens. It stopped when he got a girlfriend at the age of 14. This was news to my parents.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I have tried to explain to my mom that I don't like being around him. She has heard me, but she pretends like it didn't happen and still tries to get everyone together for holidays, etc. The idea of seeing him makes me sick, and I'm terrified for his children.

I went to therapy as a young adult to work out my issues with him and what happened. The abuse has affected my ability to hold onto relationships, and I fight depression often, which I am good at hiding. She keeps saying, "but you were so close as kids." I don't think she understands what "grooming" is. Can you please explain it in a manner that doesn't make me feel like it was all my fault? -- GETTING BEYOND IT

DEAR GETTING: Your fault? None of what happened was your fault! Predators groom victims by first establishing a close relationship with them, telling them they are "special," that their bond is special, that the usual rules of behavior do not apply to them, bestowing time, attention and gifts, and pledging them to secrecy. Please show this to your mother. I hope it will help her understand that getting the family together is not in the cards now or ever.

I am concerned by your statement that the abuse has caused you to be depressed, which you are "good at hiding," and which prevents you from forming relationships. Those issues might be resolved if, as an adult, you consult another licensed psychotherapist. While it may not be something you wish to revisit, I hope you will consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is engaged to a wonderful woman who has a busy life. We met online 18 months ago and felt an instant connection. She has two grown children, a 16-year-old son, two grandchildren and one on the way. We live five hours apart and see each other every three weeks.

My concern is that we talk only once or twice during the week and maybe text once a day. It is not enough for me. I have expressed how I feel, but I think she's just too busy. She plans on moving in with me once we are married. I recently purchased a brand-new home. Because she is so involved in her family's lives, I can't see her leaving them to live with me. What should I do? -- NERVOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NERVOUS: You and your fiancee need to have a serious, in-depth conversation about how this will work. It is important you two clarify how she plans to divide her time between you and her family because, right now, you are getting the short end of the stick. Will the 16-year-old live with you? Because you aren't getting what you need from this relationship despite the fact that you have explained what your needs are, it may be time to rethink this romance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm about to get married to a wonderful woman. We have been together for 16 years and have two precious kids. Recently, we were treated to bachelor and bachelorette parties, a week apart. Although we all know that what goes on during them isn't real, it's over once you walk out the door.

Well, my fiancee has pictures and videos of her celebration. I knew what "could" have happened, but only in my imagination. Seeing these images, I now find myself constantly comparing myself to the performers. Even though I had told her that the fantasy shouldn't come home in any way, she says there's nothing to hide, which is why she had the pictures and videos done. Am I overreacting? The wedding is still going to happen, by the way. -- FANTASY VS. REALITY

DEAR F.V.R.: While the fact that your fiancee brought home "souvenirs" is regrettable, you are going to have to let go of your anxiety. Regardless of what went on at her bachelorette party, and I know some of them can become pretty wild, you must remember that the men the bride and her attendants interacted with were HIRED for the occasion. (Just like the performers at yours were.) If this has truly affected your self-esteem, you may have to add one more item to the cost of your nuptials -- some sessions with a therapist to help you straighten out your thinking.

P.S. I sincerely hope your precious children never get their hands on that video.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister and her husband, "Tom," recently moved to the same town we live in. I adore her, and she has become a close friend. We weren't able to get to know each other during the beginning of my marriage because we lived so far apart.

Since they moved here, she and Tom fight constantly. Every time they do, Tom wants her to come stay with us. I don't mind an occasional overnight stay, but he wants her to move in with us! The problem is she has no income of her own and no car, or even a driver's license. She's totally dependent on him.

I don't feel comfortable getting in the middle of their business. We can't afford to take her in and take care of her, but she has nowhere else to go. What should I do? We can't put her out on the street. -- WITS' END IN THE EAST

DEAR WITS' END: Your sister-in-law and brother-in-law have not been fighting only since they moved to your community. It appears they have had severe marital problems that weren't dealt with well before they arrived. It's time for your husband to become more involved and talk with both of them.

If there are other relatives in the area, perhaps she could stay temporarily with them. Of course, if Tom has a job, he will have to contribute financially until she becomes independent. In the meantime, encourage her toward self-sufficiency by helping her familiarize herself with public transportation, which she can use to seek employment.