DEAR ABBY: One of my siblings was abused as a child. In turn, he abused me when he was a pre-teen and into his teens. It stopped when he got a girlfriend at the age of 14. This was news to my parents.

Now that the cat is out of the bag, I have tried to explain to my mom that I don't like being around him. She has heard me, but she pretends like it didn't happen and still tries to get everyone together for holidays, etc. The idea of seeing him makes me sick, and I'm terrified for his children.

I went to therapy as a young adult to work out my issues with him and what happened. The abuse has affected my ability to hold onto relationships, and I fight depression often, which I am good at hiding. She keeps saying, "but you were so close as kids." I don't think she understands what "grooming" is. Can you please explain it in a manner that doesn't make me feel like it was all my fault? -- GETTING BEYOND IT

DEAR GETTING: Your fault? None of what happened was your fault! Predators groom victims by first establishing a close relationship with them, telling them they are "special," that their bond is special, that the usual rules of behavior do not apply to them, bestowing time, attention and gifts, and pledging them to secrecy. Please show this to your mother. I hope it will help her understand that getting the family together is not in the cards now or ever.

I am concerned by your statement that the abuse has caused you to be depressed, which you are "good at hiding," and which prevents you from forming relationships. Those issues might be resolved if, as an adult, you consult another licensed psychotherapist. While it may not be something you wish to revisit, I hope you will consider it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a woman who is engaged to a wonderful woman who has a busy life. We met online 18 months ago and felt an instant connection. She has two grown children, a 16-year-old son, two grandchildren and one on the way. We live five hours apart and see each other every three weeks.

My concern is that we talk only once or twice during the week and maybe text once a day. It is not enough for me. I have expressed how I feel, but I think she's just too busy. She plans on moving in with me once we are married. I recently purchased a brand-new home. Because she is so involved in her family's lives, I can't see her leaving them to live with me. What should I do? -- NERVOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR NERVOUS: You and your fiancee need to have a serious, in-depth conversation about how this will work. It is important you two clarify how she plans to divide her time between you and her family because, right now, you are getting the short end of the stick. Will the 16-year-old live with you? Because you aren't getting what you need from this relationship despite the fact that you have explained what your needs are, it may be time to rethink this romance.

DEAR ABBY: I'm about to get married to a wonderful woman. We have been together for 16 years and have two precious kids. Recently, we were treated to bachelor and bachelorette parties, a week apart. Although we all know that what goes on during them isn't real, it's over once you walk out the door.

Well, my fiancee has pictures and videos of her celebration. I knew what "could" have happened, but only in my imagination. Seeing these images, I now find myself constantly comparing myself to the performers. Even though I had told her that the fantasy shouldn't come home in any way, she says there's nothing to hide, which is why she had the pictures and videos done. Am I overreacting? The wedding is still going to happen, by the way. -- FANTASY VS. REALITY

DEAR F.V.R.: While the fact that your fiancee brought home "souvenirs" is regrettable, you are going to have to let go of your anxiety. Regardless of what went on at her bachelorette party, and I know some of them can become pretty wild, you must remember that the men the bride and her attendants interacted with were HIRED for the occasion. (Just like the performers at yours were.) If this has truly affected your self-esteem, you may have to add one more item to the cost of your nuptials -- some sessions with a therapist to help you straighten out your thinking.

P.S. I sincerely hope your precious children never get their hands on that video.

DEAR ABBY: My husband's sister and her husband, "Tom," recently moved to the same town we live in. I adore her, and she has become a close friend. We weren't able to get to know each other during the beginning of my marriage because we lived so far apart.

Since they moved here, she and Tom fight constantly. Every time they do, Tom wants her to come stay with us. I don't mind an occasional overnight stay, but he wants her to move in with us! The problem is she has no income of her own and no car, or even a driver's license. She's totally dependent on him.

I don't feel comfortable getting in the middle of their business. We can't afford to take her in and take care of her, but she has nowhere else to go. What should I do? We can't put her out on the street. -- WITS' END IN THE EAST

DEAR WITS' END: Your sister-in-law and brother-in-law have not been fighting only since they moved to your community. It appears they have had severe marital problems that weren't dealt with well before they arrived. It's time for your husband to become more involved and talk with both of them.

If there are other relatives in the area, perhaps she could stay temporarily with them. Of course, if Tom has a job, he will have to contribute financially until she becomes independent. In the meantime, encourage her toward self-sufficiency by helping her familiarize herself with public transportation, which she can use to seek employment.

DEAR ABBY: My husband of 20 years has had DUIs in the past. He has always been a binge drinker when socializing. He has been going out once a week after work for three hours, during which he drinks and then drives home. He tells me he has a couple beers, but his tab and his face tell a different story.

We have three teenagers who see his behavior, and it sets a bad example. My other worry is that he may take the kids somewhere after he gets home from his weekly outing. I have instructed them not to let Dad take them anywhere on Wednesdays (his regular bar day). I have also asked him not to drive them anywhere on Wednesdays. I make sure I work from home on that day, but all of this doesn't seem like enough, and I want him to stop.

I have thought about divorce for this and other reasons, but I worry his drinking would get worse. I've also considered doing an intervention with family. I'm at the end of my rope and ready to do something, but what is the next step? -- REACHED MY LIMIT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR REACHED: Step one should be to attend some Al-Anon meetings. This is an organization founded to help the friends and families of someone with an alcohol problem, which it appears your husband has. Those meetings will give you perspective. Your next step will be to figure out what divorce may mean for you and your children financially. Once you have that information, tell your husband -- while he is sober and you are calm -- that you have reached your limit and, unless he is willing to quit drinking, you are going to leave him. See how he reacts and, if nothing changes, follow through.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, my husband and I were going through a rough patch. Unfortunately, he shared all the details with his parents. We are still together going on 24 years. I was so upset when I found out he had told them our business because I loved them and knew it wouldn't be the same.

My father-in-law acts like he loves me, but my mother-in-law doesn't talk to me, and I haven't received a birthday card since. On Christmas we receive a check with only my husband's name on it. Only my daughter and my husband are acknowledged on their birthdays. I love my in-laws, and with my own parents gone, I miss just being loved. My husband thinks it's no big deal that they ignore my birthday. Is it really no big deal? -- DREADING MY BIRTHDAY NOW

DEAR DREADING: I disagree with your husband. That his parents continue to punish you because he tattled about your marital problems IS a big deal. And now the tattler should tell his folks it's time to bury the hatchet and welcome you back into the fold. If he's not man enough to do that, then some sessions for YOU with a licensed marriage counselor might help you to accept the status quo. You said you want to be loved, and by that I assume you mean unconditionally. In the case of your in-laws, that may not be possible, and you may need to learn to accept it.