DEAR ABBY: I am a lover of and rescuer of cats (and dogs). I rescued a beautiful and loving cat with horrible wounds on his neck. I got him neutered, his wounds cleaned and sewn up, and became attached to him. I had asked my elderly neighbor if she wanted him. She said she'd think about it. She visited him at my house as his wounds healed, and a few months later she took the cat.

When I visited her a few months after that, I saw she was feeding him so many treats that he was (I'm not exaggerating) morbidly obese. When I told her so, she got insulted. She didn't believe me so she took the cat for a checkup at the local veterinarian.

The vet told her the same thing in no uncertain terms, and to feed the cat no treats and a certain low-fat dry cat food. With my help she ordered the food and I measured it into bags to make it easier for her, as she gets a bit confused.

I weigh the cat every Monday and he has lost a bit of weight already. Slowly is the best way. But she's not pleasant to work with and is fighting me all the way. I'm a patient person and do my best, but sometimes it's hard not to lose my temper. Any suggestions? -- CARES ABOUT FUR BABIES

DEAR CARES: Unfortunately, we don't always get to know people until we see them in action, as you are now doing with this neighbor. For that cat's sake, hang onto your temper and continue to help her and her fur baby. If she's becoming increasingly confused, it is important that someone not only keep an eye on the feline in that household, but also her -- to ensure that she is able to take care of herself.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I divorced five years ago. We have four grown children. He wanted to sell the house, but I ended up buying him out because two of our kids were still living at home.

Fast-forward to now: We are expecting our third grandkid. Since the divorce, he doesn't want to co-parent with me. He keeps saying we are no longer a family. The holidays and main events are now celebrated separately. I am increasingly sad about this. He refuses to be civil with me. He's a racist, and I happen to have a boyfriend of a different race living with me now.

His attitude is affecting our children, especially the one still living with me. I want to be able to share the joy of our new grandkids and the successes of our children, and the dilemmas as well, but I can't. Should I confront him? Or should I just consider him "dead"? -- SOMEONE'S MISSING IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR SOMEONE'S MISSING: I seriously doubt that "confronting" your ex-husband will work out well. You are a loving, enthusiastic parent and you do not need your ex's negative attitude putting a damper on your happiness.

Continue hosting these celebratory events, and extend invites to your ex if you wish. However, because of his racism, do not expect him to show up. That's a good thing, all things considered. Continue to dwell on the positive, and you and your children will all be happier.

DEAR ABBY: Like many people in this country, my family has an aversion to throwing things out that might still be useful. Rather than load up the van and head to Goodwill, they give the stuff to me -- partially used bottles of shampoo, a half-used pack of wipes, hair conditioner that smells too awful for them to use but they're sure I'll like, unwanted change purses and jewelry I would never wear, even puzzles with missing or dog-chewed pieces. They have also tried to offload old sewing machines, DVDs they won't watch and craft supplies for projects I don't enjoy.

Once, a sister tried to give me an old toaster oven filled with burnt breadcrumbs. (I have celiac disease.) Another time, Dad gave me a gift certificate for an oil change my mother won in a raffle after telling me he and another sister won't go to that auto shop because they damaged my sister's engine and did a lousy job working on my parents' car!

It's not like I'm so poor I can't afford my own toaster oven or wipes, but if I turn down their unwanted items, as politely as I can, they become defensive with me. So I usually just say thanks and either toss the stuff in the trash or load it into my van and take it to Goodwill myself. But I'm tired of feeling like the family dump, and wish I could find a way to get it through their lovingly muddled heads that I'd rather not be "gifted" with their junk. Any thoughts? -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR T.B.N.T.: The next time your parents and siblings call to tell you they're coming over with more discards, tell them you know they mean well, but NO. And keep repeating it until they finally get through their lovingly muddled heads that you mean it.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing because I'm in a tough situation and not sure what to do. I was recently told by a family member that my 24-year-old son is gay. (He hasn't given me any indication that he is, other than not dating anyone for several years.) He had a bad experience with a girl in his teens and I assumed that was why he hasn't dated.

My question for you is, should I confront him about it or wait until he tells me? I have come to terms with the possibility and will stand by him no matter what. I am also concerned that his father (we are divorced) will disown him if he finds out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- MOM IN OHIO

DEAR MOM: It would be interesting to know why this relative thinks your son is gay. Did your son tell the relative? I don't think you should "confront" your son. In time his sexual orientation will become apparent whether he's gay, straight, bi, asexual, etc. It should be his choice to reveal it -- or not.

P.S. If he is gay, your ex-husband's inability to accept his son, regardless of his sexual orientation, may be the reason he hasn't spoken up.

DEAR ABBY: I have been blessed with a gorgeous 4-year-old daughter who is (even more importantly) smart, funny and kind, but I have an issue. Every time we go anywhere or meet someone new, the person feels the need to comment on her beauty. We receive comments like, "Just wait till she's older. Boys will be all over her!" This happens not only with older distant relatives and my in-laws, but also random people at the grocery store.

I understand they are trying to pay a compliment, but I find it disturbing that they are thinking about my little girl in this way. I'm tired of it, but I'm not sure of the appropriate response when people make those comments. -- PROTECTIVE MOMMA

DEAR PROTECTIVE: Talk privately with the relatives and tell them you don't want them filling her head with that nonsense before she's even in elementary school. Tell them you prefer she be praised instead for her brains, her manners and her niceness, which will reinforce the qualities you are trying to instill in your daughter. And when a stranger does it at the grocery store, immediately interject with examples of her more important internal qualities.

DEAR ABBY: I dated a guy who was in a nasty divorce and custody battle. He gained primary custody, but his ex wouldn't stop taking him to court. She was very unstable.

After four years of being patient, it became frustrating. One day I pointed out that the situation was taking up all his time and energy, and I wasn't getting the attention I needed. I sarcastically suggested maybe he should shift his full attention to the situation, and we should take a break.

He agreed (via text) that he had a lot going on, then immediately stopped communicating with me. I texted, called, sent cards and received no replies. It has been a year, and I feel like I can't move on without closure or at least a conversation. I have tried dating at the suggestion of friends, but it doesn't work because I still love him. What steps can I take to move on? -- FROZEN IN PLACE IN ALABAMA

DEAR FROZEN: Painful as it may be, accept it. Give yourself a specific period in which to mourn and tell yourself the man is dead. (The romance certainly is, and you have my sympathy for the loss.) Wear black, toss out any mementos, and get together with a few close friends for a memorial for what might have been. Then "bury" him with as many tears as necessary and look resolutely ahead. (I did this once many years ago, and it worked.)

DEAR ABBY: Every time we are in a restaurant, my cousin wants a bite of everything on everyone's plate. I don't know how to say no, but being a health care worker, I know it's not safe to do all that sharing. How can I say no? She's leaning over my plate with her mouth open! Thank you for any ideas. -- BEACH BABE IN FLORIDA

DEAR BABE: You have a right to refuse. But if you can't muster the word "no," place a forkful of whatever your cousin is ogling on your butter plate and hand it to her. That way her dirty fork won't contaminate your food, and you won't have to spoon-feed her.