life

Sister-in-Law Is Burdened by Knowledge of Man's Philandering

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 14th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband works out of town with his brother, who is married. While I'm not close to my sister-in-law, I like her just fine.

My problem is, my husband keeps sharing with me that his brother is unfaithful while he travels, and I have actually overheard him on a call with my husband trying to show my husband nude pictures of other women. I cannot express how much this boils my blood. It's not only from the perspective of someone who has been cheated on before (not by my husband), but also that his brother's bragging with photos shows he doesn't respect ANY marriage or relationship.

I feel stuck with deciding whether I should share this information with my sister-in-law, or if it would be overstepping some kind of boundary where it's not my business. Because I don't talk with her often, I'm afraid I would just cause drama where I shouldn't have put my nose. But I believe she's a good wife and mother, and I feel awful and burdened by the knowledge that her husband isn't faithful to her.

Should I keep this to myself and rely on "karma" to one day reveal his transgressions, or should I give her the information I have? (It involves no hard proof except my husband's word and what I overheard.) My husband thinks I should keep quiet and says he would be uncomfortable being put in a position to "out" his brother. -- TEMPTED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TEMPTED: Your brother-in-law is a conscienceless, immature braggart. "Karma" won't protect your sister-in-law from syphilis, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes and HIV, to name only a few of the STDs her husband has been exposing her to. Tell her it's important she schedule an appointment with her doctor to be tested for all of them. Isn't that what you would want if the situation were reversed?

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Dad Is Peeved by Daughter's One-Way Gift-Giving

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 14th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have two adult daughters. One of them is self-centered and refuses to give any gifts for my birthday or for Christmas, even though she very much likes receiving them.

If this is her position, then I suppose that's OK because I don't need much, and it's really the thought that counts. I enjoy giving gifts, but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

This is exacerbated by the fact that, in the past, I have bailed her out of some sticky situations. I know that's a different issue -- and I have set boundaries for that -- but this gift thing has frustrated me twice a year for the past 10 years, and it's time for a better plan. Help, please. -- GOOD DAD IN OREGON

DEAR DAD: If the situation was fine, you wouldn't have written to me about it. I believe in communication. Have a long-overdue talk with your daughter. Showing thoughtfulness isn't supposed to be a one-way street, which is what your daughter has made it. More important than a tangible item is the thought behind it. From where I sit, if she doesn't bother to call or text you on these special occasions, I think your generosity has been taken advantage of.

Family & ParentingHolidays & Celebrations
life

Long-Married Man Remains in the Closet

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 13th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been married more than 25 years and have kids. I'm also gay. I always have been, but when I was a teenager, it wasn't acceptable and I always believed I would just outgrow it, or learn to live with it. Then came the computer era and the internet -- things I never dreamed of while growing up. They changed my life, yet I'm still closeted.

I have had two gay relationships. Both lasted less than a year. I feel like my whole life has been a lie, and I pretty much screwed up my wife because of it. I did provide her with all the creature comforts financially, and gave her two beautiful kids.

I just don't know if it's worth coming out at this point in my life. I'm also reluctant because I don't have a guy in my life right now, although I am looking. It's just so difficult. I'm torn about how to live the remainder of my life. Please help. -- CLOSETED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CLOSETED: Because you are looking for a partner, it looks like you really don't plan on sticking around once you find one. Tell your wife the truth so she can decide how she would like to spend the rest of her life. She may need help from a licensed therapist to deal with the ramifications of your disclosure, so be prepared because it may be a shock when she learns the person she has spent the last quarter of a century with is not exactly who she thought he was .

Family & ParentingMarriage & DivorceLGBTQ
life

Woman Suffering From Depression Learns Biological Family Does Too

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 13th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was adopted and recently came across my biological family. It's huge. I suffer from severe depression and now know that most of my bio family does, too.

During the past year, my husband and I decided to tackle it head-on with medication, and there has been a noticeable change in me. My husband is very supportive, and we are close. Problem is, I want to meet my out-of-state bio brother alone. He's the only full sibling I have, and our connection is uncanny.

My husband is a hyper extrovert, and I don't want his charming antics to distract from this moment (although usually I love it). He, however, says he can't agree. He's afraid something with the new family will set off a depressive episode, and I'll be too far away for him to get to me. That's understandable. But what do I do? I still feel the same. Is he right or am I? -- CONNECTING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONNECTING: Not knowing how serious your depressive episodes have been, my instinctive reaction is to advise you to listen to your husband. Surely he wouldn't have to be with you every minute and could stay at a nearby hotel or motel while you are seeing your sibling.

That said, if there is any chance that an episode could result in you becoming self-destructive, it is important to discuss this visit with the therapist who prescribes your medications before making any plans to go. Do tell your husband that if he accompanies you, you would like him to tone down his need for attention so he won't distract from your experience or your brother's.

Mental HealthFamily & Parenting
life

Avid Cook Savors Joy on Guests' Faces

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 12th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have come to realize that the best thing a person can do for anyone is to cook something for them. I enjoy the expression on their faces when they take the first bite, and the positive compliments I receive.

I have a cookbook collection that, at present, numbers more than 3,200 items. I actually ran out of room for all of it in my home. Nevertheless, I would like to order your cookbooklets -- I guess you could say in order to "feed" my obsession. I'd love to know which of the recipes are among your favorites.-- COOKING IT UP IN VERMONT

DEAR COOKING: For years, I, too, obsessively collected cookbooks, so I relate to your addiction. Be careful what you wish for! (My late husband used to walk by the crowded shelves muttering that he couldn't understand why I didn't actually prepare the recipes, but it was the photographs that hooked me.) The recipes in my cookbooklet set of two are ones that I have used for entertaining. Among my favorites in "Favorite Recipes" are the Company Crab Dip, Lobster Bisque, Sweet Potato Casserole (Thanksgiving), Swedish Meatballs, Everybody's Favorite Meatloaf, Burgundy Lamb Shanks, Date Cake, Fruitcake (Yes, I know -- but THIS one IS good!), the Famous Pecan Pie (a blue ribbon winner) and the Chocolate Mousse. Among my favorites from "More Favorite Recipes" are the Little Mushroom "Pies," Hearty Bean Soup, Cathy Lee's Rice, Eggplant Mozzarella Casserole, Cornish Game Hens (stuffed with raisins, walnuts and apple), Chocolate Zucchini Cake (it's healthy!), Raw Apple Cake With Caramel Glaze, Heavenly Peanut Butter Pie and Regency Brownies. For anyone not experiencing sugar shock after reading this, my booklets can be ordered by sending name and address, plus check or money order for $16 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. After reviewing this list, my mouth is watering, my toes are curling and I'm realizing what a miracle it is that I'm not six ax handles across, but these are dishes I prepare for guests -- not my own daily consumption. Readers have written to tell me some of them have won prizes at county fairs in years past, so I'm sure you will enjoy them, too.

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Marriage to Alcoholic Turns Toxic

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 12th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been in an off-and-on marriage for eight years. My husband drinks every day. Once he's reached a certain alcohol level, he curses me and talks trash about my family. He is no longer affectionate with me. Our marriage is toxic. We are living like roommates instead of husband and wife. He won't go to AA and is very disrespectful, and I'm going to leave him. What do you think? -- CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE IN GEORGIA

DEAR CAN'T: I think your husband has shown you he isn't going to change for the better. After eight years of living with his drinking problem and verbal abuse, the time has come to consult a lawyer and set yourself free. If you're looking for validation from me, you have it.

AbuseAddictionMarriage & Divorce
life

Happy Eid al-Fitr

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 12th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: It is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. -- ABBY

 

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