life

Needy Woman Takes Advantage of Co-Worker's Kindness

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 18th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: There is a woman where I work who is emotionally needy. My work is autonomous, but we are in the same group, so I have to interact with her to some extent.

Early on, I made the mistake of offering her emotional support, thinking she was going through something temporary and her life would get better. This is not the case. Her life is an anxiety-ridden train wreck. She doesn't think she needs to see a therapist, which, I guess, makes sense since I have been performing that role.

Our conversations begin with her asking how I'm doing, then 30 seconds later turn into a monologue of whatever her current drama happens to be. I need things to be copacetic with this woman, and I have no idea how to pull away from these interactions that leave me overwhelmed and emotionally drained.

I'd like to tell her what the problem is. I have gently suggested how to look at herself in a situation or how she can do things differently. She's not inclined to hear anything she doesn't agree with. She only wants to complain and dump her emotional garbage on me.

She's now asking me if she has done something to upset me, as I have become increasingly distant since we began working from home. Should I tell her what my problem is or leave it until we go back to the office and refuse to interact with her unless it's work-related? -- REACHED THE LIMIT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REACHED: Tell your co-worker that as much as you like her, the reason you seem more distant is her personal problems have become more than you can handle hearing about. Explain further that you are not qualified to advise her, and even though she doesn't want to see a licensed mental health professional, you feel she would benefit from it. It's the truth, and the truth will set you free.

Mental HealthWork & School
life

Birthday Card Exchange Loses Its Luster

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 18th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A longtime friend and I have always exchanged birthday cards. For years, we would try to "one-up" each other with funny cards or sometimes sweet ones. I have always spent a lot of time in card stores choosing just the right one for her.

For the last four or five years, my friend has sent me the SAME card, one which obviously is taken from a box of cards. They are so old that the paper has yellowed and the message is generic and impersonal.

It's obvious that she does not care enough to give my birthday any thought and, frankly, it's tacky. It aggravates me so much that I'd rather not receive a card from her. I rarely see or talk to her anymore. Am I being petty to let this bother me as much as it does? -- PRETTY MAD IN KENTUCKY

DEAR PRETTY MAD: Before making more negative judgments about your old friend, make an effort to find out why her pattern of behavior changed so radically over the last four or five years. Is she having financial or health problems? That she remembers your birthday -- regardless of how humbly -- should count in her favor. The two of you are long overdue for an honest conversation to catch up with each other.

Holidays & CelebrationsFriends & Neighbors
life

Distance Tests Strength of Military Couple's Engagement

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 17th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I've been in a long-distance relationship for 2 1/2 years. We are now engaged, but haven't set a date for our wedding.

We are both in the military, and we have maintained this relationship well. But there was a time before we dated that I was dating someone else. I ended that relationship, but haven't healed from it because I see him at work often, and I still have feelings for him.

He lives in my neighborhood, and I enjoy talking to him. I like the attention he gives me, and I'm attracted to him. I blame the geographical distance from my fiance for this. I want someone close, and I would love for it to be the person I am engaged to, but although I try to abstain from this other person, I find myself drawn to him. -- CAUGHT BETWEEN TWO

DEAR CAUGHT: You say you have been together with your absent fiance for 2 1/2 years, but are still carrying on an emotional affair with the man you broke up with. When you say you are "trying to abstain" from this person, clearly you can't.

What is going on isn't fair to the man you are engaged to. If he knew, I'm sure he would agree. Do not chalk this up to "when I'm not with the man I love, I love the one I'm with." Be honest about what you really want, follow through, and you won't be writing me again years from now asking what to do.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Mutual Friend Is Entanglement Between Hairstylist and Problem Client

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 17th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a hairstylist with a client who was referred to me by a mutual friend, "Rita," from high school. Rita is also a client, and we go back 20-plus years. The client, who's close friends with Rita, is picky and a terrible tipper.

She box colors her hair at home, but comes to me for her haircuts. I offer her 10% off of her haircut for prebooking, so she gets a $35 service for $31.50. She usually tips me $3.50. She keeps asking me to sell her hair products at a wholesale cost, which I do for my family and for Rita, but no one else.

Cutting her hair is a chore, because she's never completely happy with the service and has asked to come back for free retouching. If she were anyone else, I'd part ways with her, but because of her close relationship with Rita, she sometimes comes to dinner with us on girls' nights and is involved in our group chats.

Is there a discreet way to end this business/client relationship without screwing up my friendship with my high school pal? I'm tired of dealing with her, but I don't know how to get out. -- CUTTING HER OUT

DEAR CUTTING: Handle this by telling Rita what you have written to me and explaining that the two of them may be friends, but you no longer want the woman as a client. Then sweetly tell the woman the next time she calls that your professional relationship doesn't seem to be a good fit because she has voiced dissatisfaction with your work. Then offer to refer her to someone else. Not every client is a good fit and vice versa. It's a fact of business life.

Work & SchoolMoneyFriends & Neighbors
life

Accusations Fly After Friend Develops COVID

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2021 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A friend of 35 years recently accused me of exposing her and her mother to COVID. She told me she thinks I did it on purpose because I thought so little of them. This is not true!

I had been home for eight days and saw her on a Friday. The following Wednesday I felt sick, so I got tested. When my test the next Monday came back positive, I told her immediately. Since then she has blocked me and won't talk to me to figure out what happened. I don't even know if they got sick.

We have been good friends and helped each other often. I have done a lot for her, but she still refuses to talk to me. What should I do? -- BLOCKED BY COVID IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BLOCKED: When people are frightened, they sometimes act emotionally instead of rationally. A problem with COVID is that people can be infected, without symptoms, and spread the virus without becoming sick (yet) themselves. This is why mask-wearing and social-distancing are so important. From your description, this may be what happened in your case.

Give your friend time to cool off and continue trying to reach out to her. Then hope that in light of your long friendship, she'll calm down and you can reconnect.

COVID-19Friends & Neighbors
life

Kids See Their Dad Through Rose-Colored Glasses

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2021 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I were together 17 years. He was a cheater, a liar, and any other way a horrible husband can be described. I divorced him six years ago.

My problem is a few of our kids think he's a wonderful guy. The older one (25) lived with him until a few months ago. I don't know how to make her understand how horrible he is. I think if she stepped back for a while, she would see it, but she (and several of his other kids) have been completely brainwashed.

She's very quick to ask a question, but when I respond in a way she feels is negative about her dad, she suddenly has to hang up or needs to go do something. I'm lost trying to make her see how their part of the family looks like a cult to everyone else in the family. -- KNOWS THE TRUTH IN OHIO

DEAR KNOWS: Trying to reason with your daughter is a waste of time. Trying to "deprogram" your children from the "cult" of loving their father isn't working, so quit trying. By persisting, you will only drive a wedge between you. As you stated, once they have stepped back, they may begin to see the light without help from you. Let it happen on its own.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

What To Do With Torn Paper Money

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2021 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've never seen you answer a question like mine. I have a $20 bill that was torn. At some point, the two halves became separated in my pocket, and I lost one of them. Is there any way I could get value for the half that I still have? -- POOR IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR POOR: I'm sorry, but the answer is probably no. If you had three-quarters of the bill, you could take it to a bank and exchange it for a whole bill. But because you have only half, you are out of luck. Sorry!

Money

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