life

Nightly Dinner With Sister Is Too Much Togetherness

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and live with my parents. My 28-year-old sister lives in a condo about 10 minutes away. She just graduated from school and moved back here, which means she doesn't have many friends in the city.

For the last five months, she has been coming over for dinner like clockwork every day and every weekend. I'm still finding ways to be social during quarantine, but my sister doesn't seem able to find other means to meet people. Seeing this much of her is, well, too much.

She demands attention, practically forces us to entertain her and gets upset when the dinner my parents are cooking doesn't meet her specifications. At her age, spending this much time with your parents seems, quite frankly, unhealthy. I'm scared to bring it up because she's hypersensitive. How do I avoid another several months of lockdown with a person who doesn't even live with me? -- OVERWHELMED IN OREGON

DEAR OVERWHELMED: This isn't a subject you should address with your sister, but is something to discuss privately with your parents. Whether to draw the line and encourage your sister to become less dependent is something they might want to consider.

When her company becomes more than you can handle, excuse yourself, go to your room and avail yourself of your other ways to be social by firing up your computer and visiting with friends. It would also be a kindness for you to suggest ways she, too, can network with people in her field or who have some common interests.

Friends & NeighborsCOVID-19Family & Parenting
life

Stinky Feet Keep Couple in Separate Rooms

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Every day when my husband comes home, he takes off his shoes to relax. He works hard outdoors more than 10 hours daily. His feet smell horrible -- unbearable to be around. We have tried insoles, baking soda, foot sprays and even health checks, which helped but didn't get rid of the problem.

He gets offended when I ask him to change his socks and wash his feet. To him I'm out of line to continually point it out. But I can't even sit in the same room with him. Help! -- STINKING TIRED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR STINKING TIRED: There is a name for your husband's very common medical condition: It's bromodosis, and it is fixable. It's the result of sweat and the growth of bacteria and possibly fungus.

Your husband should discuss this again with his doctor. Directions for treating his condition are also available online, but they are longer than my column can accommodate. Doing a search on healthline.com would be a good place to start. He should also carry an extra pair of shoes and socks and change them in the course of the workday. Let's hope that from now on your husband will put his best foot forward.

Health & SafetyWork & SchoolMarriage & Divorce
life

Where To Find Guidance in Choosing a Charity

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 12th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I want to donate to organizations that do good work. My question is, where can I find out which charities put all of the donations toward their cause rather than to staff and fundraising? I read years ago that a well-known charity paid an exorbitant salary to the person in charge, who was already wealthy. -- GIVING IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GIVING: Go online and search Charity Navigator. It's the largest evaluator of charities in the United States and provides reliable data on more than 1.8 million charities and nonprofits. Many people use it to gauge how their contributions will be spent before they donate, and sometimes that information is a real eye-opener.

Etiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Mother's Support Gave Gay Son Love to Last a Lifetime

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 11th, 2020

DEAR ABBY: I grew up in an extremely conservative, rural area of northeast Mississippi in the '60s. I came out as gay to my mom when I was 13 in 1970, and she said three things to me that set the course for a lifetime of love. As she hugged me, she said, "I will always love you, no matter what." Then, looking me straight in the eye, she thanked me for my honesty before again pulling me into her arms and whispering, "I've known since you were a small boy."

I was overwhelmed by her acceptance, not to mention her validating words, and we wept together. Our relationship became so much closer and stronger. I never missed calling her every day of her life. We shared our ups and downs, our dreams, failures and successes. Most of all, we laughed -- a lot.

We traveled together nationally and internationally. And when she became ill, I returned to the small town where I grew up and looked after her until her death at 87. We had a wonderful final six years together.

My mother was obviously before her time. I'm sure many coming-out stories don't end this well, especially in Mississippi during the '60s (or today, for that matter). But it does go to show how well it can be handled and the benefits of handling it properly. Just wanted to share, Abby. -- OUT AND PROUD IN LOUISIANA

DEAR OUT AND PROUD: Thank you for your heartwarming letter, which I am printing today, National Coming Out Day. It brought to mind a letter I published in 2007 from a woman who, to her regret, was very late to accept her gay son. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I raised two sons and two daughters. One son and both daughters married well. Our other son, "Neil," is gay. He and his partner, "Ron," have been together 15 years, but Neil's father and I never wanted to know Ron because we disapproved of their lifestyle.

I was 74 when my husband died, leaving me in ill health and nearly penniless. No longer able to live alone, I asked my married son and two daughters if I could "visit" each of them for four months a year. (I didn't want to burden any one family and thought living out of a suitcase would be best for everyone.) All three of them turned me down! Feeling unwanted, I wanted to die.

When Neil and Ron heard what had happened, they invited me to move across the country and live with them. They welcomed me into their home and even removed a wall between two rooms so I'd have a bedroom with a private bath and sitting room -- although we spend most of our time together.

They also include me in many of their plans. Since I moved in with them, I have traveled more than I have my whole life and seen places I only read about in books. They never mention the fact that they are supporting me, or that I ignored them in the past.

When old friends ask how it feels living with my gay son, I tell them I hope they're lucky enough to have one who will take them in one day. Please continue urging your readers to accept their children as they are. My only regret is that I wasted 15 years. -- GRATEFUL MOM

DEAR GRATEFUL MOM: You are indeed fortunate to have such a loving, generous and forgiving son. Thank you for pointing out how important it is that people respect one another for who they are, not for what we would like them to be. Sexual orientation is not a measure of anyone's humanity or worth.

You could have learned that lesson long ago had you and your husband contacted PFLAG when you first learned that Neil was gay. Among other things, the organization offers support groups and education for parents who need to learn more about LGBTQ issues. It can be contacted by going to pflag.org.

Holidays & CelebrationsLGBTQFamily & Parenting
life

Too Much Togetherness Tries Hen-Pecked Man's Patience

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 10th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Since the coronavirus lockdown began, my wife and I have been cooped up together all day, every day. Though we have lived together for 35 years, she's now discovering that I "don't cook vegetables correctly." (It goes without saying that I'm no longer allowed to prepare the entrees.)

I don't sort the trash the way she thinks it should be, so I can't take out the garbage without her first inspecting it. Not only do I not wash the dishes properly, I don't even wash my face right. Thus far the only thing I seem to be able to do is go to the restroom without her supervision, but I lock the door now just in case she decides to kibitz.

I realize that during this tense time, people feel a loss of control over their own lives and try to compensate however they can. I'm able to hang on to my patience almost all the time, but occasionally I want to either scream at her or look for an apartment of my own. Do you have any advice for either or both of us? -- KEEPING CALM IN THE WEST

DEAR KEEPING CALM: You are far from the only spouse who is experiencing this. Your comment about your wife's hypervigilance and fault-finding being her way of coping with her anxieties is perceptive. If you haven't talked with her (calmly) about how her behavior is affecting you, please do it before you explode.

Being cooped up together all day, every day, isn't healthy for either of you. You both should be getting out separately for at least 30 minutes of walking (60 could be even better) and sunlight every day. The exercise and change of scenery would not only be healthy, but may lower both of your stress levels. However, if that isn't sufficient, the two of you should discuss what's going on with her physician.

COVID-19Marriage & Divorce
life

Man Draws a Line at Spending Money on Expensive Food

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 10th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am instinctively tight-fisted with money. It's also necessary because my brother and I have been in business for ourselves for only a few years, and we are just now starting to turn a decent profit. My girlfriend earns a good living as a nurse. She is pretty thrifty, but not when it comes to food.

My question is, how much of the bill should I be expected to foot for an expensive dinner I didn't want to go out to, or an overpriced breakfast burrito from some snobby food truck? If I don't look enthusiastic about the prospect of going to one of these places, she says not to worry because she'll pay for it, which makes me feel insecure. Any tips on how to handle this? -- PROUD GUY IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PROUD GUY: Yes. You appear to be an old-fashioned guy who is dating a contemporary woman. Accept her generosity and quit tying your masculinity to how she chooses to spend her own hard-earned money. That said, if you are thinking of marrying her, it would be in both your interests to have premarital counseling to ensure that disagreements about money don't cause serious problems in your marriage.

Love & Dating

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