DEAR ABBY: While researching my family, I discovered that my now-elderly mother was charged with the murder of a toddler 40 years ago, before I was born. She was never convicted and never mentioned it. However, after reading her testimony and things she's said after the incident, I have no doubt she is guilty.

This has me reeling because she has always been a great and loving mother. When she heard I was researching our family, she mentioned that I would find something unsavory and asked me to please not look into it because it's in the past and she didn't want it to tarnish my image of her. I don't know how to feel or what to do. -- SHOCKED IN THE WEST

DEAR SHOCKED: If your mother was charged with murder, either the charges were dropped or she was found innocent by a jury. You wrote that your mother was a great and loving mother. For that you should feel grateful because not all children are so fortunate as you were. I think it's time for you to take the opportunity to get her side of the story. Unless you have all the facts, the last thing you should do is judge her.

DEAR ABBY: My sweet, introverted son has just started high school. He's a shy person who has a hard time making friends, and the few friends he had in middle school aren't attending the same high school. He has confided that he is terrified that he will be bullied and won't know how to respond. He asked me if there was a phrase that repels bullies. I told him I don't know any and I would ask you. -- WORRIED MOM

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Like your son, many students transitioning to high school are afraid of the unknown. Why is he afraid of being bullied? Did it happen to him in middle school? If so, why? Many schools have antibullying policies in place, and students who are subjected to it should report it immediately.

While I know of no one-size-fits-all phrase that will repel a bully, I do think that enrolling your son in martial arts classes would give him a sense of confidence that he is lacking now. You should also encourage him to get involved with special interest groups at his new school, which might enable him to meet and interact with more kids and possibly make new friends.

DEAR ABBY: My husband insists that I go out in public without wearing any underwear. He thinks it's sexy. I am uncomfortable doing this because it makes me feel dirty and trashy. I also feel it is unsanitary. Your thoughts? -- NOT MY THING IN VIRGINIA

DEAR NOT: I'm glad you asked. Dirty and trashy are separate issues from unsanitary. You are a married adult woman, and wearing or not wearing anything under your dresses or skirts has no bearing on whether you are (or aren't) a "good" girl.

I imagine some couples go out for a special night on the town "commando" because it's exciting, their secret, and maybe can lead to romance later. Some people also feel more comfortable never wearing underwear. If you have questions about whether the practice is unhealthy, discuss it with your physician or gynecologist.

Bottom line, you should not do anything you're uncomfortable with.

DEAR ABBY: I need help moving past the end of a longtime friendship. I don't know what happened. My friend, my former college roommate, just drifted away.

After school we continued to be friends -- not besties, but we would meet for coffee or dinner a few times a year. Fast-forward 25 years. She called me the day she left her husband, 10 years ago, to tell me the news. I was her emotional lifeline for a few days, and it was intense. We continued to be in touch a few times a year.

Then, a few years ago, I sent a message suggesting we meet soon. She replied that she was busy but would get back to me about a date, but she never did. I waited six months and again suggested we meet. She replied that she had a conflict but would let me know a date that would work. She didn't do it. I didn't reach out again and haven't heard from her since. It has been three years, and I know through other sources she is doing well.

I'm having difficulty dealing with being dropped after a 30-year friendship. I can't think of anything I did to cause it, and I don't understand how a friendship like that can just be kaput. What do you think? -- DISAPPOINTED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I find it interesting that when this woman was in turmoil, she reached out to you. However, after her marriage and the emotional dust-up that surrounded it, I suspect she may have decided to close that chapter of her life.

You stated that the two of you didn't stay in contact other than "a few times a year." Think back. Did she contact you only when she needed emotional support? If that's the case, recognize the relationship for what it was. Now that she is doing well, she may be firmly focused on the present rather than the past, and frankly, although it may sting, I think you should do the same.

DEAR ABBY: I have a family friend who at one time I considered to be like a sister. The issue is, my family hosts her family every Thanksgiving. They are never invited. They just say they are coming over. They bring drinks, more for themselves than for us. Their kids run around, break things and behave disrespectfully, while the parents seem to regard the behavior as amusing. They also bring along Tupperware for leftovers but don't bother staying around to help clean up.

When my family told them we weren't cooking for Thanksgiving last year, her response was that they'd do something just for their immediate family. I was shocked, because my family has hosted them for more than 15 years. I have kept my distance since, but I'm still upset about it. How do I bring up the subject without anyone getting their feelings hurt? -- RETURNING THE FAVOR

DEAR RETURNING THE FAVOR: Why are you worried about bruising the feelings of these self-entitled people? They haven't shown they are concerned about your family's feelings. Be glad to be rid of them. If the subject comes up, tell her that your family has again made "other plans" for Thanksgiving -- just your immediate family.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 54 and afraid to tell my spouse I want a divorce even though I'm in an unhappy marriage. I told him years ago that I no longer loved him and didn't want to be married anymore. His reply, "I have enough love for both of us."

This year will be our 15th together. I am spouse No. 3. I think he thinks that if there isn't another person I'm in love with that we can continue like this. I feel it's just time for me, and I'm tired of always being somebody's something. I have thought of moving out, but money is an issue, and I have nowhere to go. I hate confrontations, and he is a good man, but I am truly beginning to hate him. Any advice? -- MISERABLE IN THE EAST

DEAR MISERABLE: Just a word of caution: The grass is not always greener on the other side of that fence. However, because you feel that remaining with your husband is intolerable, begin planning your exit. Line up a job and a place you can afford in which to live. Upgrade your marketable skills, if necessary.

Remember, your husband has been through this before, so he is a veteran at divorce. Before making any more announcements, discuss this with an attorney so you can protect yourself.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a total loss, heartbroken and need some advice. My husband and I are both over 60 and have been married for 20 years. He has this insane idea that I have a diary. Abby, I don't have a diary. I have never had one, and I don't plan on ever having one.

Short of taking a polygraph test, I can't convince him to believe me. He told me that unless I let him review my diary, he doesn't want to be with me anymore! He has completely stopped communicating with me. I hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. -- ALL CRIED OUT

DEAR ALL CRIED OUT: Your letter is a first. Is your husband losing it? Is he on medications that have altered his mental abilities? His fixation and insecurities are off the chart.

You do not have to tolerate his passive aggression. The first thing you need to do is talk with his doctor about what has been going on. Your husband may need a physical and psychological evaluation. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to get some feedback on my soon-to-be-empty nest. Our last dog is approaching 18 years old, and I would like to adopt another cat or dog. My husband wants to wait at least a year with no pets in the house before possibly considering getting another animal. I grew up with pets and can't imagine what it would be like without one. What to do? -- ANIMAL LOVER IN FLORIDA

DEAR LOVER: With an open mind, discuss this further with your husband. You need to understand his reasons for feeling the way he does about this. As you already know, a fur baby is a serious responsibility, and when the quarantine ends and things return to normal, he may want the two of you to travel. Because you have had your sweet dog for so many years, slow down. Both partners should be onboard with the timing for adding a pet to the household.