DEAR ABBY: My husband and I and our children moved across the country away from our families three years ago. My 9-year-old daughter is extremely close to my mom and sister. Mom wants to take a road trip and spend a week with us. We are all excited, since we haven't seen them in a year. However, she wants to bring along my grandma and my younger cousin, who is 12.

My grandma has partial custody of my cousin. The girl had a rough upbringing, and I don't want her to come. She throws terrible temper tantrums, demands to be the center of attention and, when it doesn't happen, starts acting up. If that doesn't work, she will try to kiss people or make "jokes" about sex. I don't trust her around my daughters.

Mom hates controversy and turns a blind eye to the behavior. How can I get across that we want Mom and Grandma to come but to leave my cousin at home? -- PROCEEDING WITH CAUTION

DEAR PROCEEDING: Say it in plain English as you have to me. You have a right to protect your daughters from what you perceive to be a bad influence.

You mentioned your grandmother shares custody of this girl. Perhaps Grandma can leave her with that person for a week. However, once you have drawn the line, be prepared for the possibility that your mother may cancel the trip.

DEAR ABBY: I am 53 and have been divorced for more than 10 years. While we were going through the divorce, my ex and I went to counseling. Unfortunately, it couldn't save our marriage. However, I learned a lot during those sessions about how to be a better partner because I recognized the mistakes I had made during my marriage.

I am currently dating a woman my age. When we disagree, I try my best to use what I learned. While I'm not perfect, I'm glad I have that foundation. The problem is, my girlfriend employs a lot of the bad behaviors from which I evolved. I see it clearly, but you can't teach someone during an argument. How do we get on the same page? We love each other, so it would be nice to fine-tune our adversity to make it healthy and productive. -- WANTING BETTER IN THE EAST

DEAR WANTING: Communication is all-important in relationships, as is the ability to fight fair when disagreements arise. Wait until your lady friend is calm, then suggest the two of you seek couples counseling together. It will not only help you to make your relationship "healthier and more productive," it will also help the two of you grow closer by addressing any differences that might prevent it from developing further.

DEAR ABBY: One of my friends is a drama queen. Whenever things don't go the way she wants, she freaks out and makes a big deal out of everything. It makes the times we spend together hard, because my other friends and I are scared we'll start another fight with her. What can I do to make her stop making a big deal out of everything? -- NO MORE DRAMA QUEEN

DEAR NO MORE: Your friend may be high strung, or she may simply create drama in order to get attention. Understand that you can't "make" her stop doing it, but if you and your friends ignore her antics, she may tone it down when she realizes they aren't bringing the reaction she's looking for. If that doesn't work, stop including her as often.

DEAR ABBY: After smoking marijuana for 20 years, I quit two days ago. My head is starting to clear now, and things are coming into focus. I missed so much, and I feel terrible about it.

How many times did I say no to my kids because I was lazy? How many times have I yelled at them for just asking a question? My 6-year-old would have this frightened look because he wanted something and I yelled because he interrupted me from doing nothing.

I was at my in-laws' on Father's Day and started yelling at my husband for getting mad at me because I told his father, "Heck, you're not my dad, so what do I care?" The neighbors heard me, I'm sure. My father-in-law didn't even come out of his bedroom, and I'm sure my husband won't forget it.

Although I'm not the nicest to him at times, he loves me. I can be downright disrespectful, and my kids see this. It's the reason I quit smoking. Almost daily, I hear my 13-year-old say, "Stop yelling, Mom," or, "Why are you yelling, Mom?" I have so many regrets.

Can I make up for them? What can I do so my kids will remember good times and not just me yelling? Not sure where or how to start erasing the bad. Any advice would be appreciated. -- SMOKE IS CLEARING

DEAR SMOKE: You have already taken the first step in making it up to your family by admitting your smoking was hurting them and quitting. The next step will be to apologize to each of your family members for your behavior and let them know you know it was wrong and hurtful and that it won't continue.

The last steps may be the most difficult. Resolve not to lapse back into the old patterns, do whatever is necessary to prevent it and join a support group if necessary. I wish you success in your sobriety.

DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law adopted their child at birth. It was something I assumed the baby would grow up knowing. Unfortunately, it has never been revealed to the child, and the "child" is now practically an adult. I know it isn't my place to say anything, but the truth hangs over me like a dark cloud, and I feel complicit in the lie.

My children, who are younger, don't know, and I worry that if they ever discover it, they will think my partner and I are liars and resent us for not being honest all these years.

This is a sensitive subject to broach to my brother and his wife. I have tried and been met with yelling and tears. Is there anything to be done at this point? -- GUILTY BY ASSOCIATION

DEAR GUILTY: Although I wholeheartedly agree that children who are adopted should be told at an early age, the decision to reveal or withhold that information resides with the parents, not you. At some point, their child may need accurate information for medical reasons.

How your children could think you and your partner are liars for not telling them something that's really none of their business mystifies me. There is nothing for you to do at this point, so please resist the urge to venture further into this minefield.

TO MY READERS: As the sun sets tonight, Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, begins. As we begin this time of solemn introspection, let me wish you all, "L'shana tova tikatevu" -- may you be inscribed in the Book of Life and have a good year. -- Love, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: My husband is currently at a job that, at first, he complained was a "drag." It later became a place he seemed to be OK working at.

A new male employee was hired -- a man who is on his second marriage -- and he became friendly with my husband. Over the last few months I have noticed my husband texting him quite often during his days off, including very late at night.

One day I confronted him after I checked his phone to see what they were texting and saw he had deleted some messages, even those he had shared with me as they were texting. He admitted that he had asked him about his first marriage and divorce since we were having some issues and said that's why he deleted the messages.

When my husband starts drinking at home, he starts texting him, occasionally throughout the night until he goes to bed (it could be until 5 a.m.). He deletes all those messages so I can't see them. What do you think is going on? Even on days he is off, he goes by his job to take care of something or help out. -- SUSPICIOUS IN TEXAS

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: What I think is going on is less important by far than what you think is going on. It appears your husband has found a kindred spirit in this new employee -- or something more. Dumping on his co-worker about problems in your marriage won't lead to satisfactory conclusions.

The two of you need to resolve your issues -- including the fact that you no longer trust him -- by talking them through with a licensed marriage and family counselor. Please don't wait until the situation deteriorates further to consult one.

DEAR ABBY: I was involved in a nearly fatal car accident some years ago. My problem is people are always telling me I should be over it by now, and there shouldn't be any more complaints or pain at this late date.

Well, that one day changed my life drastically. I'm still healing emotionally, not to mention there are lifelong injuries I will never be able to overcome. My back is in constant pain, and I can no longer lift anything. I also get daily horrific migraines. Because of that, I lost the best job I ever had, which has affected me more than anything.

People can be insensitive, patronizing and just plain rude if I mention any current issues regarding my condition. Most times I respond aggressively; at others, I try my best not to be offended by their lack of empathy. While I certainly don't want or need pity, the fact that my near-death experience is shrugged off as just an "incident" bothers me greatly. What more can I do? Or should I just stay silent and count my blessings? -- SURVIVOR IN MISSOURI

DEAR SURVIVOR: There is nothing more you can do, other than politely refuse if you are asked to do something that's now beyond your capacity. As you have discovered, responding aggressively is counterproductive.

Because these individuals have conveyed that they no longer want to hear about your accident, you may have to confide in a willing friend or a licensed therapist when you need to get things off your chest. The latter might be more satisfying than trying to talk to people who can no longer tolerate hearing about something they have no solution for.