life

Couple's Interests Diverge Now That Son Has Grown

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm married to a great husband. We worked well together in our business. He's loyal, dependable, was a great stepfather when my son was young, etc.

When we were younger, we were always very busy working on the house, raising a family and starting a small business. My son is now grown and has moved away, the house needs little work, we no longer have the business and we both work part-time.

The problem is, we don't have the same interests. I do a lot alone or with friends, but many of them have moved or become very settled down. I rarely have anyone to do anything with unless it's something that interests my husband. It's hard to get him to do anything I want to do. He either complains or refuses.

Looking back, I think he was always like this, but we were too busy to notice. I feel very alone now. I feel like time is ticking by, and I'm wasting my life, my time, etc. Many days I think I should leave, but leaving would change our lifestyle dramatically. Sometimes I feel we only stay together for the lifestyle. I have tried to talk to him about this many times, but I get nowhere. Suggestions? -- TIME TICKS BY IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR TIME TICKS BY: You feel alone and adrift because you are. The glue that held your marriage together seems to have been your son, who is now grown and has moved away. It's time to ask yourself how important your "lifestyle" is.

It's possible that if you remain in this marriage, you can find what you are looking for by becoming more independent. Travel, join special interest clubs, cultivate new friends, take classes that interest you and live your life. You might also visit meetup.com to get involved in activities in your area with like-minded people.

There is no guarantee your husband will ever be the partner you fantasize he should be. Some sessions with a therapist might be useful to help you clarify your thinking, and that's what I'm suggesting.

Marriage & DivorceAging
life

Copycat Little Brother Causes No End of Irritation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old who wants to be an individual. My 10-year-old brother constantly copies me and mocks me, yet he gets upset whenever I point it out. The last straw was when I went through his YouTube and found almost all of the same music I like.

My parents always say I should be flattered, or he's just looking up to me. I am tired of it! He copies the things I say (and the way I say them), the music I like and my hobbies. It's very, very annoying, and I guarantee that is why he continues to do it.

I've tried telling him to stop, but somehow, in any conversation relating to that, I end up being the bad guy. Should I just throw away my entire collection of interests, enjoyments and hobbies? -- LOSING MY INDIVIDUALITY

DEAR LOSING: On the contrary. Accept that because you are older, you may always be the leader, and your younger brother will continue to follow you and mimic you. He may not do it to annoy you but because he lacks your imagination and interests of his own. Your mistake is letting what he does affect you. The sooner you overcome that impulse, the better off you will be. You may not be able to control your brother, but you can control the way you react to him, and that's a skill that will serve you well as you go through life.

TeensFamily & Parenting
life

Aunt's Memory Issues Put Her Family at a Crossroads

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 14th, 2020

DEAR ABBY: I'm part of a large, close-knit family. My mother and her sisters have condominiums in the same complex. One dear aunt is having a great deal of trouble with her memory and word retrieval. She recently stopped recognizing her daughter and no longer calls any of us by name.

The problem is, some of this aunt's children are in denial. They refuse to believe there's anything wrong with their mom and insist that she is showing signs of normal aging. They have stated this so strongly that the other siblings are afraid to raise the issue of an assessment for fear of angering them further. It is a very difficult family dynamic.

Normally, we wouldn't comment on or intervene in such a private matter. However, seeing my aunt deprived of a medical diagnosis and associated care that might alleviate her suffering, it is very hard to stay quiet. It may or may not be possible to reduce her symptoms, but it seems like it is elder abuse to rob her of the chance to try. Please advise. -- CONCERNED FOR AUNTIE

DEAR CONCERNED: Close family members are typically the first to notice memory issues or cognitive problems, but often they are hesitant to say something even when they know something is wrong. A recent Alzheimer's Association survey found that nearly 3 out of 4 Americans say talking to a close family member about memory loss, thinking problems or other signs of cognitive decline would be challenging.

Initiating these challenging conversations is important. Discussion can enable early diagnosis, which has important benefits, including better disease management, more time for critical care planning and providing diagnosed individuals a voice in their future care. It also provides an opportunity to address concerns before a crisis situation arises.

While our cognitive abilities decrease with age, your aunt's inability to recognize her own daughter is not a sign of normal aging. Helping relatives understand the seriousness of the situation as well as the important health benefits of receiving a proper diagnosis may convince them. If your aunt's children find it too difficult to have the conversation, another close relative, a friend perhaps, or her doctor can take the lead.

To encourage families to have these conversations, the Alzheimer's Association has partnered with the Ad Council in creating "Our Stories" (alz.org/ourstories). It features real stories of people who noticed changes in their loved ones and took the difficult step of having a conversation. It also offers customizable conversation starters, a list of early signs and symptoms of Alzheimer's, benefits of early diagnosis and a downloadable discussion help guide. In addition, the Alzheimer's Association's free 24/7 Helpline (800-272-3900) is available for families addressing these important conversations and other caregiving concerns.

Family & ParentingAging
life

Older Boyfriend Considers Meeting in Person Too Risky

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a dilemma. My 33-year-old boyfriend keeps badgering me to see each other. We live 15 miles apart.

I'm a 60-year-old man in pretty good health. Before this pandemic, I worked out every day at a gym, and I still do at home now. Every day he keeps asking me to either come visit or if he can come here. Because of this shelter-in-place advisory, I have been telling him I'm more at risk due to my age. He then tries to make me feel guilty by saying things like, "We are both fine; there's no need to worry," and, "OK. Fine! That's the last time I'm going to ask. See you next month ... maybe."

The thing is, he's a nurse in a hospital. I live with two roommates who are also in their 60s, and I don't want to compromise them or my living situation. Am I doing the right thing? What are the risks if I decide to go for a visit and be with him? -- UNEASY IN THE WEST

DEAR UNEASY: You are doing the intelligent thing. What your boyfriend is proposing is risky. Because you don't want to possibly risk exposing your roommates to COVID-19, you cannot travel back and forth.

In my opinion, your boyfriend has a moral and ethical responsibility not to put YOU at risk. Here in Los Angeles, some hospital employees who live in multigenerational households have arranged to live apart from their loved ones during this crisis to prevent possibly exposing their families to the virus -- an arrangement that in some cases lasts for months.

If your boyfriend was concerned about your welfare, he would not be trying to guilt or threaten you into seeing him. IF you agree to visit him and plan to continue, find an apartment in which you live alone and do not visit your roommates unless you have first been tested and quarantined.

Love & DatingCOVID-19Health & Safety
life

Disclosure of Childhood Abuse Leads to Family Estrangement

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 13th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My 50-year-old estranged daughter-in-law was abused by her brother growing up, and her father defends the abuser, which upsets her no end. I'm friendly with her father because he has been nice to me, and this revelation was news to me.

My daughter-in-law sent an email to me and others saying how hurt she is. I would like to respond, but since I'm friendly with her father, I'm not sure what to say. I want to tell her I am deeply sorry for her having been abused because it is extremely traumatic. Do you have any advice for me?

I love my son and his family, and I don't understand how things got this way between us. They no longer speak to me or let me (or my wife) have a relationship with my grandchildren, whom we love very much. -- HURT FATHER-IN-LAW IN TEXAS

DEAR HURT: It is not surprising that your son and daughter-in-law are now estranged from you and don't want you around their children. Things got this way because you placed as high a priority on your friendship with the father who defends her abuser as you did on your relationship with your daughter-in-law. While you understand that what happened to her was traumatic, you seem unable to grasp just how painful it has been for her. By siding with the wrong person because he was nice to you, you have intensified her trauma.

Family & ParentingAbuse

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