life

Both Fiancee and Ring Have Disappeared From Man's Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Five months ago, after eight years, my fiancee terminated our relationship. I still have very strong feelings for her, although she ghosted me and won't communicate with me.

We agreed from the outset that should the relationship end, the ring (or value thereof) would be returned to me. I have sent numerous emails and text messages and have received no response. Her explanation for her silence for 22 days -- just before she broke up with me over the phone -- was because I "gave her an ultimatum."

She had selected the ring and told me repeatedly how much she loved it. Do you think she's still "in love" with me and that's why she refuses to return the ring? -- DUMPED WITHOUT RING

DEAR DUMPED: No, I think she is still in love with the ring, which is why she refuses to return it. Because your former fiancee has chosen to keep it rather than abide by the rules of etiquette or your verbal agreement, it's time to consult a lawyer. If you want that ring back (or the value thereof), you may have to take her to court to get it. Be glad you are rid of her, even if it wasn't your idea.

MoneyLove & Dating
life

Friend Fears for Safety of Recently Married Woman

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have an extremely well-educated and intelligent friend whose emotions, ideas and opinions seem to have become subjugated to the control of her relatively new spouse. I should add that he has a bad temper, and I am afraid it could escalate.

What are my options for reporting or intervening in the situation? It's possible that she's willingly submitting, but it seems uncharacteristic. I have personal experience with this kind of situation in regard to family members, but I don't want to make a fuss if I'm wrong. -- CARING FRIEND IN KANSAS

DEAR FRIEND: Unless you have proof that your friend is being physically abused, the most helpful thing you can do is stay in close contact and make sure she knows you will always be there for her if she needs you, day or night. If she confides that her husband is emotionally abusive, support her by reminding her that, despite what her husband may have told her, she's intelligent and well-educated.

Talk to her about the situations you have encountered in your own family and mention the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org; 800-799-7233). If she contacts you because he has hurt her physically, get her to an emergency room right away. They know how to handle (and report) domestic abuse and are mandated to do so.

Health & SafetyFriends & Neighbors
life

Man's Complaints About Dirty Dishes Fall on Deaf Ears

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 9th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is it fair to other family members to leave dirty dishes in the sink until "later"? My wife and I have been married 15 years, but my wife still leaves dirty dishes in the sink all day, every day, "until I can get to them." To me, this is rude and inconsiderate. If I have time enough to use a dish or a glass, I have time to rinse it and put it in the dishwasher. Who is right here? -- RUDE IN TEXAS

DEAR RUDE: You are. Because you have asked your wife repeatedly not to do this, one would think she would accommodate you. It takes only a moment to put used dishes and utensils into a dishwasher rather than leave them stacked in the sink. Her disregard for your feelings is passive-aggressive. Consider asking her if she does it as a way to punish you for something she's not willing to discuss.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Upcoming Move Prompts Best Friend To Reveal True Feelings

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 8th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have been in love with my best friend for two years. We met at a summer camp where we were both working, and we hated each other in the beginning. During the process of working together, we somehow became best friends, and I fell desperately in love with him.

We talk on the phone for hours and text each other daily. He knows everything about me to the point that I swear he knows me better than I know myself. We hang out in groups mostly. We rarely spend time alone. When we are together, our chemistry is undeniable. We constantly laugh, touch, tease, etc. Everyone around us sees our connection, and they're confused when we say we're not dating.

I kind of expressed my feelings to him about a year ago, but he said he wasn't ready to date anyone. Since then, we have grown closer, and our relationship is more unclear. His actions lead me to believe that he feels the way I do and regards me as more than a friend, but he won't make a move or tell me his feelings.

The hard part about this is, I'm moving in five months. Our time together is coming to an end, but I haven't told him how I feel because I don't want his affection or our frequent communication to stop. Do I tell him my feelings again and risk being rejected? Or should I just tell him I am moving and see if he admits his true feelings for me? -- DEEP IN THE HEARTBREAK OF TEXAS

DEAR DEEP: Obviously, this person cares for you to some degree. Tell him how you feel face-to-face while you still can. That you care so much for him is a compliment. However, if he still doesn't feel as strongly for you as you hope, once you move, I hope you will regard it as an opportunity to meet new people and form new relationships until you find a special someone who reciprocates your feelings. Trust me, he IS out there.

Friends & NeighborsLove & Dating
life

Proud Mom Enjoys Close Relationships With Her Children

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 8th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have read so many letters in your column about families who have all sorts of problems with their children, husband or wife, in-laws, parents and other family members. They make me wonder how in the world I got so lucky.

My husband and I raised four children -- two girls, two boys -- and they could not be more of a blessing. We text each other every morning, and I text a daughter in Hawaii at night to let her know I'm OK. They call, they send cards, they send flowers. One son sent them to me for several years on his birthday, with a card saying, "Thank you for having me."

My heart aches for parents who don't have what I have. I can only hope they will find some peace later. And to my four children: Thank you for the happiness you have brought me over the years. -- GEORGIA MOM

DEAR GEORGIA MOM: Problems are the basis of my column. There are many functional, happy families, but few of them take the time to write and share that.

Clearly, you are a great parent, and for that you deserve congratulations. However, there is an element of luck in parenting, and I have heard from parents who devoted themselves to giving all they could to their children, and their children did not turn out to be as loving, generous and appreciative as yours. I agree that your family is fortunate to recognize their blessings, chief among them each other.

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Guilt Remains 40 Years After Job Reference Was Withheld

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: About 40 years ago, I did someone an injustice, and I have felt guilty ever since. I worked for a consulting firm in Washington, D.C., that fired an accounting clerk who was in my small office. I didn't know why she was fired, and I never heard a cross word exchanged between her and her supervisor. She seemed to be capable and friendly.

A prospective employer called me for a reference, and because my company told me that it did not respond to requests for references, I didn't give her one. Ever since, I have wished I had shared what I knew about her. If I was allowed a do-over, I would have told the employer about my positive experience with her and my belief that she was capable and friendly. Her being Black and not having my reference may have increased her difficulty in finding a job. I am sharing this with your readers so they may avoid making a similar mistake. -- GUILT-RIDDEN IN TEXAS

DEAR GUILT-RIDDEN: Some companies, on the advice of their legal counsel, strictly adhere to a policy of disclosing only dates of hire and discharge of employees. This has nothing to do with race or ethnicity. It was not a mistake to do as your employers instructed, and you should not feel guilty for having done so.

Etiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Daughter Is Dismayed by Dad's Lack of Concern

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My heart is heavy as I write this. Since the pandemic started, my father-in-law has called us every couple of weeks to ask if we are safe and OK. I have heard nothing from my own father.

I finally called him, mentioning that I thought he would call to check on us. His response was, "I'm the adult; you should be checking on me." (I have two grown children and two grandchildren, so I was taken aback by the thought that I was not an "adult.") I mentioned that because he is not in a nursing home, in jail or has to go to work, I figured he was much safer than my husband and me, who still must go out to work every day and be in contact with hundreds of people.

I feel like my father doesn't care about us like my father-in-law does. What do you think? -- DISAPPOINTED IN FLORIDA

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I agree that your father doesn't care about you the same way your father-in-law does. He appears to be so centered upon himself that there's little room to worry about his "children's" welfare.

What do I think? I think that if you love your father, you should give him an occasional call, but when you do, expect nothing in return. And you should thank your lucky stars you have a darling father-in-law who takes up the slack.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Introvert Is Drowned Out by Extrovert Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | August 7th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have two close, dear friends. They're my inner circle. Both are extroverts and quite talkative. I'm an introvert and quieter. My problem is, I can't get a word in edgewise when we're together. I'm not sure how to tactfully address this subject with them. Any ideas? -- INTROVERT IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR INTROVERT: Yes. Speak up and say exactly what you told me -- "Hey, folks, I can't get a word in edgewise!" If you say it with a smile, it shouldn't be regarded as insulting because it's the truth.

Friends & Neighbors

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