life

Presence of New Girlfriend Causes Added Pain for Ex

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 30th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of two years, "Kevin," recently broke up with me. We've had problems in the past about me lying to him or withholding information. I didn't lie because I'm an awful person. I lied because he had high expectations of me, and I didn't want to be a disappointment. He is truly the first person I have loved unconditionally since the breakup with my child's father five years ago.

Kevin and I are still friends -- sometimes with benefits -- but he has moved on to another woman. I'm heartbroken, and it has taken a toll on me. When I visited him the other day, I realized that she has practically moved in! She has her toiletries over there just like I did at one point.

I really want my boyfriend back! Kevin and I had talked about a life together, buying a house, taking trips, even getting married, the whole nine yards. But I'm worried this new woman will get the life with the man I love that I had been longing for for so long. What advice, if any, can you offer me? -- LEFT BEHIND IN ALABAMA

DEAR LEFT BEHIND: I'm sorry to be the carrier of bad news, but it appears your ex-boyfriend is enjoying the benefits of being with two women, and you are getting your heart broken. It is time for you to move on because a new "chick" has all but moved into the nest you shared with Kevin.

One has to wonder if she is aware that he has a FWB in addition to her. (I am betting the answer is no.) And by the way, I have to wonder what kind of a man behaves the way you have described because he is not treating you or this new woman honestly.

In your next relationship, I hope you will realize that you are good enough just as you ARE, and there is no reason you must live up to anyone else's expectations. That was your mistake this time around.

Love & Dating
life

Boyfriend Plans Move To Be Near Aailing Mother

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 30th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of 10 years (we own a house together) has just announced he feels he should move closer to his ailing mother. She lives about 250 miles away, a four-hour drive. Is this a thing? Do people do this? He did not ask me to move with him.

We live less than a mile from my own elderly mother, and I do dote on her. He knows I wouldn't leave her. If he goes through with this, I'll be heartbroken.

We have no mortgage. I can afford to stay in our house and -- then what? Wait for him? Wait for his mother to die? I could visit him once in a while, but my job, my mom and our cats are here. There's also my yard work. Do you think this could be his oddball way of breaking things off? -- MISERABLE OVER THIS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISERABLE: This could be your boyfriend's attempt to end your relationship -- or not. He may not have invited you to move with him because he understands how many obligations you have between your mother, your job, your pets and the upkeep of your home.

It's time to ask him -- calmly -- how he views the implications of this move. Does he see it the same way you do? If his mom's health improves, it could be years before he returns, if ever. Because you have invested a decade of your life with him, you deserve some straight answers, and the best way to get them is to remain calm and be direct.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Man Smitten by Second Cousin Hides Relationship From Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 29th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Three months ago, my husband ran into a second cousin he hadn't seen in 40 years. They were close for a short time during high school and saw each other a couple times after that.

I was not aware until recently that he had looked her up on social media and has been communicating with her every day since then. I didn't think much of it when he did tell me -- until one night when he stayed on the computer with her until 3 a.m.

He has lied to me about the number of times he has been online with her and, if she calls or texts, he tells me it is someone else. She sent him pictures -- which I saw -- yet he denied receiving them. One time he forgot to sign off on a message he sent and, of course, I read it. To my shock, he was confiding a lot of things he has done while married to me that I was unaware of. It hurt me deeply, and I told him so.

Recently I was in the hospital. When I called him a couple of times at night, he claimed he didn't pick up because he was "tired." I found out later he was on the computer with her.

I have asked him more than once why this relationship is so private, and he says they are just friends. But when I asked to see some of the things he has written to her, he refused to show me. I said fine, then I will ask her. Well, he blew up!

When I told him it hurts me that he spends so much time with her in the evening, he didn't give an answer. Am I overreacting? If so, can you please tell me how to settle down and deal with what is happening? -- COUSIN TROUBLE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR COUSIN TROUBLE: You are not overreacting. It's time to do what you said you were going to do -- call the woman and ask her what has been going on. After she fills you in, ask yourself if you still want to be married to a man who has cheated on you emotionally and probably physically.

If you feel there is any hope of saving your marriage, offer your husband the option of seeing a marriage and family therapist together. However, knowing he has no compunction about lying to you or any respect for your feelings, you might prefer to simply consult a lawyer about what your next steps should be.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Teen Chafes Under Mother's Strict Expectations

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 29th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old woman. My parents are divorced. My father says I should be out having fun and I owe no explanations to anyone. My mother, on the other hand, is very strict. I respect her wishes and don't do what most people my age would do. I try to be very careful with what I say in any conversation with her, but it always ends up with her very angry toward me. I want to live my life or at least try to. What do I do? -- CLUELESS TEEN IN TEXAS

DEAR TEEN: An 18-year-old should be carefree and engaged in self-discovery. But people of every age are having to hunker down and curtail their social activities these days because their lives could depend on it. And as to owing no explanations to anyone, until you are self-supporting and on your own, you WILL have to be accountable.

Your mother may be feeling insecure because her daughter is now a young adult rather than her little girl who needs protecting. She may also be reacting to the "advice" your dad is doling out. You are going to have to figure out what triggers your mother's anger during those conversations and find a happy medium.

Marriage & DivorceTeens
life

Older, Wiser Woman Wants to Apologize for Past Sins

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Is it ever too late to apologize to an ex-boyfriend? I'm in my mid-40s now, and over the last three years, I have gone through a significant change. It has helped me to face myself, let go of useless hate and anger and forgive the people who hurt me. It has made me a much happier person.

One of the results of this change is realizing how much I dislike who I was when I was younger. I'm sure many people made mistakes in their early 20s and maybe blew it off, because I know I did. But now I can't. I'm ashamed of my previous behavior and have been thinking about reaching out to him to apologize for the horrible things I did while we were together.

My family says I shouldn't do it. They say I'm being ridiculous because "who cares about how an old partner treated you decades ago?" But I'm struggling with letting it go. I learned years ago to take responsibility for my mistakes, but it's something I didn't do in that relationship.

I'm currently in a solid and happy relationship, which is why I think my family may be so against this, and while I don't know my ex's relationship status, I have no ulterior motives for reaching out. The person I am today just wants very much to apologize for the person I used to be, but I don't want to cause any problems. What is your neutral advice? -- SORRY IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR SORRY IN THE SOUTHWEST: I don't think it is ever too late to say "I'm sorry," and I seriously doubt that an overdue apology for your past behavior would cause problems. Because you feel compelled to offer one, go ahead and do it. You may be pleasantly surprised to find that your former flame recovered from whatever you did and went on with his life as you have with yours. And if that's not the case, he may need to receive your apology as much as you need to give it.

Love & Dating
life

Visiting Family in Las Vegas May Tempt Compulsive Gamblers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | July 28th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My family and I moved to Las Vegas seven months ago, and we love it here. We are not heavy gamblers, but we occasionally like to hit a local casino (once, maybe twice, a month) and never spend more than $50. We consider it paying for entertainment rather than a chance at winning it big.

My parents are coming to visit soon and, unfortunately, they have had a history of compulsive gambling. They admit they have a problem and have been going to support groups off and on for the past year.

We have lots of off-strip fun planned, but I know they will want to visit a casino because, well, it's Vegas! Would I be enabling them if I went with them to a casino? Could this trigger more compulsive gambling when they return home? Are there any boundaries I should set? I don't want to see them spiral into their addiction again, but I also want us all to enjoy the "What happens in Vegas ..." vacation mentality during their visit. -- GAMBLING WITH THEIR ADDICTION

DEAR GAMBLING: The "what happens in Vegas (stays in Vegas)" mentality means that what happened in Vegas was not something to be proud of. It would absolutely challenge your parents' "sobriety" if you take them to a casino, and your fear that it could jump-start a relapse is well-founded. Keep them busy, but don't take them to places where they are tempted to gamble. If they decide to do it on their own, you won't have anything to feel guilty about.

AddictionFamily & Parenting

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