life

Teen in Quarantine Worries About Staying Close to Beau

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over five months. We have enjoyed spending time with each other, but we never have deep, meaningful conversations, and I feel that it's negatively impacting our relationship.

Because of the coronavirus quarantine, we can't see each other because we are still in our teens and don't live together. If we don't start having conversations that mean something to either of us over the phone, I'm afraid we'll break up before we are allowed to see each other again. Please give me some advice. -- STUCK IN QUARANTINE

DEAR STUCK: You may be worrying needlessly. Stop for a moment and ask yourself what kind of conversations you had with your boyfriend before the pandemic. How deep were they?

Express how you have been feeling lately, but, if you can, try to keep your conversations upbeat. Share stories and videos with him that make you laugh. If he wants to discuss his concerns, be prepared to listen, but don't push him in that direction. Space your calls so there will be something fresh to talk about. And always end your chats by telling how much you care about him, which will probably make him smile.

TeensLove & Dating
life

Relative Wants to Stay Close, but Not Too Close, to Abusive Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have several adult nieces and nephews whose dysfunctional upbringing makes them react in a very hostile and aggressive manner to anyone they perceive as disagreeing with them. They verbally abuse anyone they view as opposing them. They have so alienated their parent's new spouse that they are no longer welcome in that parent's home at any time, for any reason.

I would like to remain on semi-friendly terms with them, but I am unwilling to accept their verbal abuse. Is there any way this can be fixed? -- DISTANCING IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR DISTANCING: Unless your nieces and nephews are willing to accept that they have anger management issues that need addressing, this isn't a problem that anyone other than a licensed professional can fix. If one of them unleashes a tirade on you, calmly point out that you prefer not to be abused and end the conversation by absenting yourself. Do it once, and I guarantee the word will spread.

AbuseFamily & Parenting
life

Domineering Conversationalist Wears Out His Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 29th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wits' end. I love my husband, but when we have company, he dominates the conversation, usually repeating the same stories over and over. If friends and family tell him they've heard the story before, he just ignores the remark and continues.

He is retired, and I realize he doesn't socialize enough. His health has not been the best. By the end of the evening, I am worn out. What can I do? -- PAIN IN HOSTING

DEAR PAIN: That your husband is retired and isolated may contribute to his problem. As soon as it's feasible, encourage him to get out of the house and involve himself in some new activities where he can put his talents and experience to good use. However, if his repetitiveness is new behavior, this should be discussed with his doctor so he can be evaluated, because it could indicate the onset of a medical or neurological problem. 

Health & SafetyEtiquette & EthicsMarriage & Divorce
life

Wife Can't Shake Distrust of Husband Caught in a Lie

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 28th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are 58 and getting ready to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. We knew each other in college, but were just friends back then. After college, we married others and raised children. We stayed married to our spouses for close to 30 years.

We reconnected eight years ago, started an affair and divorced our partners. Neither of us is proud of this. My adult children have accepted my husband. His refused to accept me, and only one of them has a relationship with him.

He was out of town recently, and I caught him in a lie about having invited a female former colleague to lunch with him. I was shocked and hurt because this is how our relationship started. He has apologized, but I can't get over the fact he lied to me, and it has caused a rift between us. He has always been honest with me, so I wonder why he lied about this woman.

I know I'm in no position to judge others. I can't afford counseling, and we don't belong to a church for spiritual help. I suffer from depression and anxiety (I am under the care of a doctor and take medication) but cannot shake the sadness. How can I ever trust my husband again? -- HURTING HEART IN THE MOUNTAINS

DEAR HURTING HEART: In light of the way your affair with your husband began, he may have lied because he was afraid of upsetting you. A way to start this very necessary conversation would be to tell him how shaken you are that he wasn't truthful and try to get him to explain why he thought he had to lie. You should also ask if he thinks there is anything awry in your marriage.

If he tells you nothing is wrong and there is nothing he would change, believe him. However, if after that, you are still feeling insecure, ask the doctor who is treating your depression and anxiety to suggest some low-cost mental health/counseling services in your community.

Mental HealthFamily & ParentingMarriage & Divorce
life

Dogs Come Between Man and His Fiancee

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 28th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I need your advice about a problem I'm facing with a man I've been dating almost four years. When I met "Jeff," he had two older Yorkshire terriers. Both were very territorial and relieved themselves in the house. I told him I was concerned about moving in with him because of his out-of-control dogs, and he understood. They were older dogs, and I knew one day they would pass, so I waited patiently.

Then Jeff's neighbor passed away, leaving a dog. He adopted that dog, and it has become a bigger issue than the first two. The new dog is very aggressive. It tries to bite me and won't let me into certain rooms in the house! I expressed my concern to Jeff, but nothing has been done.

We are currently engaged but living separately. I told Jeff that we need to live together before getting married, so I gave him an ultimatum -- try to find a home for the new dog and I'll move in.

That was two years ago, and nothing has been done. At this point, I suspect that he adopted the third dog without me knowing in order to prevent me from moving in. I feel like he chose the new dog over me! What do I do? -- OVERLOOKED HUMAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR OVERLOOKED HUMAN: Listen to your intuition and accept that where you are concerned, Jeff has a commitment problem. If he wanted you to live with him, he would not have taken in an aggressive animal. Without saying it in words, he is sending you a strong message. From where I sit, you may have devoted enough time to a romance that's going nowhere. Give Jeff a choice: Kennel train the dog or the romance is over.

Love & Dating
life

Man's Serious Health Issues Dominate 40-Year Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 27th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I married my husband 40 years ago. A few years later, he was diagnosed with diabetes. He refused to take care of himself and ended up with double leg amputations 13 years ago. He had prosthetics but wouldn't use them. I stood by him and was his advocate, but he blamed me!

He has major health issues now, but I'm not too concerned. According to him, it's "none of my business." Family doesn't care because he doesn't care. My daughter blames me, but she doesn't bother to have much contact with her father.

I have had enough of trying to help a man who doesn't want help. This is a loveless marriage and has been for years. He's also addicted to computer porn. He stays at a computer for hours, even when people are around. He doesn't care who's around. He broke his computer recently, and I have refused to allow him on mine, so he is angry at me for that too.

For most of our marriage I have worked outside the home. I still do. I would rather be out of the house than here with a husband who doesn't care if I'm around or not. Please advise me what I can do. -- REACHED THE LIMIT

DEAR REACHED: What you can do depends upon what you WANT to do. There must be a reason why you have remained in this loveless marriage as long as you have.

Since you asked, I do have a word of advice. Help your husband to get another computer. If you do, it may lessen some of the hostility that is ruling your household. He will be occupied, and you can do whatever you need to do to keep yourself sane.

Health & SafetyMarriage & Divorce
life

Couple Says Thanks but No Thanks to Offer of Food

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 27th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are dealing with a terminal health condition, and many folks have offered to help, particularly in the area of providing meals, which we really appreciate. Recently, a family from our church brought us over a meal that included a nice entree, dessert, bread and breakfast pastries, all homemade. We enjoyed the entree, but quickly lost our appetites after opening the dessert to find a hair of unknown origin in it. We were, unfortunately, unable to enjoy the rest of the food because of this.

My dilemma is how to handle this with the family. I'm sure we will see them at church, and they have already reached out asking when they can bring us another meal. I don't want to embarrass anyone, but neither do I think I can consume another one from them.

For what it's worth, we have someone who comes in weekly who prepares meals for us (whom we pay). This has been a huge help because it alleviates the time and effort required to shop, cook and clean up for most of the work week because I work full time as well as care for my husband. How can I tactfully decline this family's kind offers without coming right out and saying why we don't want their food? -- GROSSED OUT IN THE WEST

DEAR GROSSED OUT: It should not embarrass those nice people if you thank them for offering to send you more food, and tell them you no longer need food because you have hired someone who comes in and cooks for you. It's short, sweet and it's the truth.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & NeighborsHealth & Safety

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