life

Stepmother-To-Be Is Happy Leaving Parenting to Parents

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a younger man with a 10-year-old son from his first marriage. My two daughters are grown.

My fiance and I have talked at length about my role in his son's life after we're married. The boy's mother will have him full-time; my fiance will continue to do his part as far as picking his son up from school, taking him to baseball practices and his baseball games, taking him to movies, etc.

I have been told he and his ex will continue to co-parent, and I will not have to be responsible in any way for this child. I have no problem with this. In my opinion, the boy's parents have the right to raise him as they please. Plus, as an older woman, I'm relieved I won't have to be responsible again for a child at my age. To me, this is a win-win, but my daughters think it is odd. Who is right? -- HANDS OFF IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR HANDS OFF: You are. That boy is lucky to have responsible parents who are able to cooperate with each other in raising him. Your daughters are entitled to their opinions, of course, but you are also entitled to yours. Ignore them.

Family & Parenting
life

Shopper Is Dismayed by Lack of Social Distancing

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I went to the grocery store today. I was wearing a mask and careful to keep my social distance. The store employees were also wearing masks and keeping their distance.

An older woman stood in front of the chicken for at least 10 minutes. When she finally moved aside, I went over to put some in my cart. She came back and gave me a lecture on which chicken was the best deal. I was horrified. I know she was trying to be friendly, but at this time of social distancing, the best way to be friendly is to give people their space in public!

This scenario seems to happen every time I go to the store. What's the best thing to say to these people? -- TRYING TO KEEP SAFE

DEAR TRYING: The woman may have forgotten for a moment what the new rules are. The best thing to say in that situation would be, "Thank you, but please, for your health and mine, step back and keep your distance."

Health & SafetyEtiquette & Ethics
life

Inspirational Words Are Valuable Reminders in Uncertain Times

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I read the "Definition of Maturity" in your column a while ago, and I would like to share a clipping I have been saving since the 1960s. It's from the Archdiocesan Council of Catholic Women Newsletter and titled, "A Short Course in Courtesy."

"The SIX most important words: 'I admit I made a mistake.' The FIVE most important words: 'You did a good job.' The FOUR most important words: 'What is your opinion?' The THREE most important words: 'If you please.' The TWO most important words: 'Thank you.' The ONE most important word: 'We.' The LEAST most important word: 'I.'"

The clipping is disintegrating on my fridge, but the saying has provided a life lesson I've lived by. In these times of uncertainty, it's a good reminder of how to treat others. -- N.Y. TRANSPLANT IN S.C.

DEAR N.Y. TRANSPLANT: I agree with the philosophy expressed in the item you shared. It is something to inspire us. Thank you for writing.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Parents Strive to Heal Their Youngest Son's Broken Heart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 23rd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My son, a high school senior, was in a relationship with a young woman who broke up with him and began dating his best friend. He was heartbroken. She played him into being friends and tells him he's her best friend, but her actions prove otherwise.

His father and I comforted him as best we could, but he still has feelings for her. It was a tough breakup for him, and he says he can't understand why he feels this way for her. We as parents are having a hard time keeping our opinions to ourselves. We are not happy with him still being around her and try to discourage it as much as possible.

We all attend the same church, from which I've offered to remove myself, but my son says no. We limit the time he gets to be around her, but she has begun flaunting other dates in front of him, which is making it hard for us to be cordial toward her.

How can I help my boy heal his heart and move on? He's my youngest, the last one ready to venture out to college, and I want him to have a fresh start for the new journey. -- HEAVY-HEARTED MOM

DEAR MOM: Some lessons in life people must learn for themselves, and this is one of them. As much as you wish to help your son heal his heart, he's going to have to arrive at the realization that there's more pain than pleasure associated with the girl who rejected him. That is when he will move on, not before.

College will provide him an opportunity to meet new people and cultivate new interests. Being in a new environment will also help. In the meantime, be patient, refrain from saying anything nasty (as tempting as it might be) about his former girlfriend and keep your son as busy as you can.

Love & DatingTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Man Laments Lonely Marriage Without Affection

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 23rd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to the same woman for 34 years. We have raised two great kids. The problem is, my wife does not show, respond to or initiate any affection or intimacy. I understand she has been through menopause, but is this the new normal? For me it is a lonely, cold existence. Most nights she won't even share the same bed with me. She also does not respond well to talking about things. Must I live the rest of my life this way? -- ROOMMATE IN VIRGINIA

DEAR ROOMMATE: Your problem is less about the lack of affection and intimacy in your marriage and far more about the lack of communication your wife allows you to have with her. If a problem can't be discussed, there is no way to arrive at a solution or a compromise.

If you haven't told her how lonely and isolated you feel, start there. What's happening is not fair to you. This is something that should be discussed with her doctor because there may be a medical solution if sex is painful for her.

However, if it is more complicated than that, recognize that you need more help than I can give you in a letter or a newspaper column, and ask your doctor or insurance company to refer you to a licensed marriage and family therapist for the answers you are seeking. If your wife refuses to go with you, go without her.

Health & SafetySex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Happy Eid al-Fitr

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 23rd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

TO MY MUSLIM READERS: It is time for the breaking of the Ramadan fast. Happy Eid al-Fitr, everyone. -- ABBY

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Man's Effort to Contact His Newfound Family Is Ignored

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 22nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I recently found out who my biological father is/was. Apparently, my mother and this man had an affair more than 50 years ago. There's only speculation as to why.

What bothers me is, I have always lived no more than 15 miles from this man and his family. I tried reaching out to the one half-sibling I am most knowledgeable about. They have made no attempt to contact me about this elephant in the room. I don't know if it's shame or embarrassment on their part.

I am a respectable man with a great family. Why someone would not want to reach out and at least get to know a brother they supposedly never knew existed is beyond me. We've wasted way too many years kept in the dark about this well-kept secret. My thought is that you can never have too big a family -- even if we are only half-siblings. Should I continue attempting to reach them, or just sweep all of this under the rug and pretend it never happened? -- EXPANDING THE FAMILY IN OHIO

DEAR EXPANDING: Not everyone is as open-hearted or inclusive as you. After half a century, your birth father's family may prefer not to open this chapter of their father's life, and they should not be forced to. Because you have already reached out to them without getting a response, I don't think you should push the issue. You wrote that you are a respectable man with a great family. Count your blessings, because not everyone is so fortunate.

Family & Parenting
life

Mom's Cellphone Robs Son of a Good Night's Sleep

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 22nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 42-year-old man who lives at home with my parents after getting out of an abusive relationship. A full night's sleep is important to me and waking up early from avoidable noises is upsetting because I am unable to go back to sleep. My mother's cellphone is what's waking me up.

I have asked her numerous times to turn off the ringer at night. She has no reason to be a go-to for emergencies, yet she acts as if she is. The last time I asked, she actually told me the phone calls she missed (because she forgot to turn her ringer back on) are more important than my sleep.

She says she's glad I'm back living at home because I am making life a little easier for them. They are getting old, and I have come to the conclusion I will be here taking care of my parents in the coming years.

I have told Mom numerous times to have her hearing checked, too, to no avail. I think that may be why her cellphone ringer blares so loudly. On numerous occasions I have been sitting upstairs and heard Dad ask her a question in the living room, and Mom, who is sitting right next to him, says, "What?" She's in denial about her hearing.

I would rather not move out, but I am about ready to do it for peace and quiet. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? -- INJURED EARS IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INJURED EARS: Yes, I do. Ask your mother to put her phone on vibrate at bedtime or use its do-not-disturb feature between certain hours. If she refuses, then purchasing a white noise machine might be a solution.

Suggest to your father that he inform their doctor about your mother's hearing problems. Perhaps if the doctor tells her it's time to have her hearing checked by an audiologist, she won't tune out the message.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting

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