life

Son Won't Accept Mom's New Relationship With Old Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 17th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was married for more than 20 years and am recently divorced. I should have done it years ago, but my son, "Nicky," begged me not to. He's 22.

I am now dating a gentleman, "Clyde," and am very happy to be in this relationship. Clyde treats me like a queen. I have known him longer than I've known my ex-husband. He and his family (including his ex-wife) are close friends.

Before we started dating, Clyde called my ex, told him we were going to start seeing each other and that he wanted my ex to hear it from him, not through the rumor mill. My ex said he was fine with it and thanked him for letting him know.

We then informed Clyde's kids and my son. Everyone was fine with it except Nicky. He's upset that we started dating three months after my divorce. Mind you, my marriage to Nicky's father was over years ago. Clyde had nothing to do with it. Now my son has an "attitude" with Clyde. He hardly speaks to him and never spends time with us.

I have always been there for Nicky. His actions hurt. He can't seem to accept that I'm happy and that Clyde and I are more than friends now. Before we started dating, Nicky and Clyde had a good relationship. How do I get my son to come around? -- SECOND CHANCE IN MICHIGAN

DEAR SECOND CHANCE: Nicky may be hoping that you and his father might one day reconcile and regard Clyde as an interloper. Explain to him that the divorce may seem recent to him, but for you and his dad, it was the final step in disengaging from a marriage that had been over for years. Tell him you love him and are sorry he is upset, but it's no excuse for treating Clyde badly, and you expect him to treat Clyde with respect, if not affection. Then go on and enjoy your life because you deserve it.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Affairs Among Staff at Children's Schools Raises Questions

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 17th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My children attend a school where they are in three different buildings. One is in high school, one in middle school and the youngest is in elementary. Recently, the married elementary school principal had an affair with a married teacher's assistant. A few years before, the married middle school principal had an affair with a married teacher.

My concern is that the administration knows this but does nothing about it. I have addressed them with my concerns. I believe there was an abuse of power. If they are willing to sweep this under the rug, what else have they swept? Should I mind my own business or pursue the issue further? -- MOM ON PATROL IN NEW YORK

DEAR MOM: Because of the litigious environment we live in, many businesses and educational institutions have policies that discourage fraternization. What you consider an abuse of power may be a relationship between consenting adults. You say you have brought this to the attention of school administration. I think you have done enough. From now on, stay out of this unless you have absolute proof there is coercion involved.

Work & SchoolFamily & Parenting
life

Invitations to Marketing Parties Overwhelm Uninterested Friend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm in my mid-40s, and a LOT of my female friends are involved in multilevel marketing companies. Whether it be for eyelashes, supplements, jewelry, antiaging products, candles, leggings, etc., I receive nonstop "invitations" to buy their products.

I'm old enough to know from experience that most of the products are rubbish, and many times way overpriced. I'm simply not interested. How do I politely (yet firmly) decline the invitations that come my way without hurting their feelings? -- MULTILEVEL MARKETING HATER

DEAR MULTILEVEL MARKETING: It's time you recognize the difference between a friendship and a marketing ploy. If you are invited to something, feel free to ask whether there will be any selling and, if there will be, decline. To do so is not being rude or hurtful. Women who are really your friends will continue to be, and those who aren't will disappear.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & NeighborsMoney
life

Mom and Daughter Butt Heads Over Where Children Should Sleep

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mom and stepdad occasionally watch my children to help us out or to spend time with them. I just found out that Mom will not put my 8-month-old into a crib or Pack 'n Play to sleep. She puts her into bed along with my 4-year-old son. I have asked my mother repeatedly not to do that, not only for safety, but so everyone can sleep. She refuses. She says I should trust them, and they should be allowed to do whatever they want when the kids are with them. Please tell me what to do. -- FRUSTRATED DAUGHTER

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Why you should trust someone who deliberately ignores your wishes is beyond me. Let me tell you what not to do. Do not allow your children to stay with your mother under these circumstances. Sometimes Mama does not know best, and this is one of them. If you prefer your children not share the same bed, your wishes should be respected.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Battle Over Air Fresheners Clouds Couple's Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I live quite far from town and spend a lot of time in the car -- usually his. He bought some air fresheners for his car, which made me nauseated and gave me headaches. I asked him to please remove them, but he refused because he doesn't want to waste the $2.50. He said he likes the smell.

Abby, we have two other vehicles we can take. I felt it was such a small thing he could do to make me feel better. He doesn't agree. What is your opinion on the matter? -- STUNK UP IN FLORIDA

DEAR STUNK: You may be allergic to something in that air freshener, which is why you got the headache and became nauseated. Asking your boyfriend to remove it was a small thing -- not like asking him to remove a limb. If he were less self-centered and more considerate, he would have accommodated you.

In my opinion, you should take one of the other cars when you drive together.

Love & DatingMoneyHealth & Safety
life

Woman With New Boyfriend Keeps Neighbor Up at Night

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I live in a densely populated luxury high-rise apartment building in a busy downtown neighborhood that has a diverse mix of residents. I have lived here for four years and have never really had many issues, until recently.

My next-door neighbor works in the medical field that at times has very late or early hours associated with it. I also work in a field that has odd hours, so I am empathetic. My issue is, she has a new boyfriend she is intimate with anywhere between 2 and 4 a.m. I am a light sleeper and get awakened by their sessions together. I can hear her voice and at times, jostling of furniture.

I have thought about telling the building management, but it would be obvious that the complaint would have come from me, and I don't want that. I also don't want to cause embarrassment to either of us. How can I address this delicately, without causing embarrassment, or must I suck it up and suffer? -- SLEEPLESS IN CHICAGO

DEAR SLEEPLESS: Write your neighbor a sweet note explaining the problem and ask if there is anything she can do to muffle the sounds you are hearing. (It might be something as simple as moving her bed away from the wall or placing it against a different one.) However, if she's uncooperative, as a last resort, do discuss your problem with the building manager. I assure you, it won't be the first time he or she has heard something like this, or the last.

Sex & GenderFriends & Neighbors
life

Social Anxiety Makes Meeting Boyfriend's Parents Frightening

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I suffer from a moderate to severe case of social anxiety. I'm now in my first relationship with a partner who tends to move fast, and whose parents have recently been asking to meet me. This has caused tension in our relationship as well as in his relationship with his parents.

Because of some past experiences with previous partners, his parents have preconceived notions about me, which makes me feel all the more reluctant to meet them. I don't like feeling vulnerable, especially with people who don't know me. One counseling session with a boss, a professor, someone in authority, etc., and I'm on the verge of tears or already crying.

I know I'll have to meet his parents someday, but I don't know how to approach it. I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. Please help. -- SOCIALLY ANXIOUS

DEAR SOCIALLY ANXIOUS: I hope you are receiving professional help for your social anxiety. You should not approach meeting your partner's parents with a negative attitude. Smile, put your best foot forward and try to make a good impression.

Keep in mind that this is not a performance review, a professor you need to give you a good grade or anyone in authority. They are parents of a son whose past judgment about partners may have been less than stellar, and of course they have concerns.

It would be nice if they thought the moon rose and set on you, but if they don't, will it affect your relationship with your partner? If the answer is yes, then he may not be mature and independent enough to be having a romance with anyone. Hold a good thought and stop hiding out.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating

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