DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for three years. I have been dating a woman, "Stephanie," whom I love and believe can be my next wife. We talk about marriage and have been very good for each other.

We each are blessed with three grown children, and we love our families immensely. The difference is, Stephanie socializes only with her family and has few friends who aren't related to her. I, on the other hand, have a wealth of friends and like to do a lot with them -- dinner parties, sporting events, concerts, traveling, etc. My friends are great people, and she agrees with me on that, but when we make plans with them, she says she feels like an outsider and prefers to be with her family.

Currently, Stephanie sees her daughter at least three times a week and her oldest son twice a week. In addition, her ex-husband and his wife host family events almost every other weekend -- birthdays, holidays, game nights, etc., and she never wants to miss them. They are so close that there are no secrets and lots of "inside jokes." I feel very much like an outsider at times.

I love her family, and they have welcomed me with open arms, but I can't seem to get used to this much "togetherness." Once my kids were grown and out of the house, I wanted to enjoy my life while they pursued their own fun. I'm at the point that I'm tired of her family, especially since her ex always seems to be the organizer of these get-togethers.

I don't want to hurt her or her family's feelings, but I would prefer more private time traveling or visiting with my friends and family, and we are not finding a good balance. They all attend the same church every week and even sit together as if they were still one big, happy family, even though it has been 20 years since their divorce. She tells me that I am No. 1 in her life, but her actions say otherwise. What do I do? -- DIFFERENT IN MISSOURI

DEAR DIFFERENT: I suggest you stop listening to what Stephanie says and concentrate more on what you see she's doing, then act accordingly.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend who, every time I invite her and her husband over for dinner, always assumes their 20-year-old daughter can have a plate as well. They make her a plate before they serve themselves and take it to her.

I guess I don't mind, but I wish they would ask before assuming it's OK. Most of the time I make enough food so I have leftovers for my boyfriend to take for lunch the following day. Is she being rude? Or am I just being a not-so-nice friend? -- NO LEFTOVERS

DEAR NO LEFTOVERS: What your friend is doing is rude. But don't blame her for it. This is your fault for not speaking up when this first started happening and explaining that the leftovers are intended for your boyfriend's lunch the next day, which is why you would appreciate her not taking them. A way to avoid this in the future might be to plate the food yourself rather than let your guests do it, and immediately refrigerate whatever is left. Out of sight, out of reach!

DEAR ABBY: Is my daughter headed into an abusive, controlling relationship, or am I imagining the signs because of my own experience with domestic abuse for many years? She is 18 and, of course, parents are "idiots" who don't understand anything. The young man tries to control where she is, won't let her go anywhere without him, and suspiciously questions her if he thinks she spent too much of her own money.

To me, these are signs of the beginning of years of hell, but to her, they're cute because he "cares," or I don't understand him. Am I being unfair because of my own past? -- BEEN THERE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Unfair? NOT AT ALL! You have listed some of the classic signs of an abusive partner, and your daughter is headed for trouble. Please share this column with her because it's important she recognizes more of them:

1. PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

2. JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

3. CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

5. ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

7. MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

12. RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

13. SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

14. PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

Anyone at risk should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or thehotline.org.

DEAR ABBY: My husband wants me to stop speaking to our adult children. He says they have both offended him, and he wants an apology from them.

My daughter didn't help him when he was out of the home for a few months and had nowhere to go. At the time, she was living in her boyfriend's grandparents' home. She had asked them if it was OK, but they said no. My husband was hurt by this and wants her to apologize for "treating him this way." They no longer speak to each other and exchanged hurtful texts until my daughter blocked him.

My son, who just turned 18, is in college. He came home for a break and asked if he could stay with his girlfriend. I said yes. When my husband found out, he ordered our son to come home. My son pulled the "I'm 18; you can't tell me what to do." He then said our family crisis was causing his girlfriend to have anxiety and depression. This upset my husband because he felt he was being blamed for her issues and disrespected when my son refused to come home. My husband feels I should stop speaking to him, too, to support him.

I cannot bring myself to do this. My husband says our marriage is over if I can't support him. What would you do? -- IN A FAMILY MESS

DEAR "MESS": Your husband is a handful. With his authoritarian attitude, he cannot seem to stop himself from alienating family members. He is acting like a bullying child. Right now, he is two for two and counting.

I do not think you should stop talking to your daughter for things beyond her control or for telling the truth. If you have any power at all in your marital relationship, please insist that all of you get family counseling from a licensed professional. Your husband needs to learn to communicate more effectively with his son. If your husband refuses to participate, and he may, then you have some important decisions about your future that I cannot make for you.

DEAR ABBY: My younger sister died two years ago. She was only 43. She left behind her husband of 19 years, three children, my parents and myself (along with many other family members and friends).

Her choice was to be cremated. As a family, we discussed my brother-in-law's plans for the ashes. He discussed various options and we, of course, shared our desires and wishes. Her ashes remained in the cardboard box from the funeral home on a shelf in their living room until my brother-in-law moved into a new place a year later.

My mother finally confronted him. She said it was disrespectful not to have finalized a resting place for her daughter. She said she knew the ashes belong to him because he's the husband. His response was he was sorry she felt that way. Now we don't know what he's done with them. He became engaged 15 months after my sister's death and has been living with his fiancee.

This seems so wrong to me and so dismissive of my sister and my family. What can we do? We want a final resting place for her. We think his actions show he obviously doesn't care. -- DISILLUSIONED AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR D&H: That's not necessarily true. Your former brother-in-law may care so much about his late wife that he cannot let the ashes go. I hope you will maintain contact with him because it's a way to keep track of those ashes. As his wedding date grows near, he may soften his stance and allow them to be divided, perhaps with some prodding from his new wife, which may be the solution that's best for everyone concerned.