life

Restricted Diet Makes Attending Dinner Parties Awkward

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 31st, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have multiple chronic health conditions. Because my symptoms are worsened by a lot of foods, I'm on a highly restricted diet. If I stay on it, I feel as well as possible. (I never feel entirely well.)

When I go to friends' homes for dinner or parties, would it be rude for me to bring along something for myself that I can eat that won't make me sick? I can have no grains, no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, the list goes on and on, but I could always bring extra food to share if you think that would be appropriate.

I have been eating before I go and then claiming not to be hungry, but I feel it would be rude to do this at dinner parties. What do you suggest I do? I prefer that my health not be a topic of conversation. -- CAN'T EAT JACK

DEAR CAN'T: Your health won't be a topic of conversation at these gatherings if you discuss this with your host(s) at the time you are invited to the party. Explain that you are on a severely restricted diet, picking at their food might be interpreted as rude and you don't wish to come across that way. Ask if you can bring your own food with you. I'm sure your hosts will understand and tell you to enjoy their hospitality (if not their food) because they welcome your company.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Navy Veteran Wants No Connection With Biological Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 31st, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My biological mother gave me up at birth. Her reason for doing it changes every time I ask. I joined the Navy right out of high school and left the service at 25. Less than a month later, she contacted me. It turns out that I have three half-siblings, but I have no desire to connect with them.

She waited 25 years to contact me, and I was the only one of my siblings she gave up. Does it make me a bad person that I have no emotional connection to my biological family? -- NO FEELINGS IN THE EAST

DEAR NO FEELINGS: No, it does not. Whatever her reason for surrendering you, you have built a good life. Please stop feeling guilty for moving forward and living it. Doing so does not make you a bad person, only a healthy one.

Family & Parenting
life

Hostility From Sister Slows Aunt's Efforts to Help Niece

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 30th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm unsure about how to proceed with my niece. She is struggling with child-rearing and debt.

Twenty-five years ago, when she was 16, my sister "Nan" and her husband threw her out on the street. I took her in for two years. Until she graduated from high school, she lived with me and my two daughters. She reconciled with my sister at the time of her graduation. After that I backed off, trying to let Nan perform her role as mom.

I have had a bumpy road with my sister since then, but until a year ago, we were doing OK. Now Nan has declared all-out war on me, and nothing I do or say seems to make any difference. I think her issues are political, but she refuses to discuss them, so I can't be sure.

I have backed off from mothering my niece for many years. But she clearly needs some family support and guidance, which I am able to offer so she can get back on her feet. She's a wonderful woman who is raising two lovely children, but a serious illness is preventing her from providing long-term security for herself or her kids.

I no longer feel obligated to stay at arm's length from her, but am I wrong? Nan will view any support for her daughter as interference in her family, and I don't want to cause problems with their relationship. I no longer care about my relationship with my sister, which seems irreparable, but I don't want to put my niece in an awkward position. She truly needs the help that I am prepared to give. Any advice on what I should do? -- LOVING AUNTIE

DEAR AUNTIE: Your niece is fortunate to have such a caring aunt. You saved her life. Offer the help she needs; it's the right thing to do. If she's afraid it will damage her relationship with her mother, she is free to refuse it.

As to your relationship with your possibly unstable sister, defend yourself as much as possible from her attacks, keep your distance and do not attempt to heal your fractured family because you cannot fix what's wrong with her.

MoneyTeensFamily & Parenting
life

Man Looks for Guidance as His Sexual Orientation Changes

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 30th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Please do not publish my name or city. I'm a senior male in a six-year, happy relationship with a wonderful, understanding lady. But after decades of exploration and study, I have come to accept that I am nonbinary and/or gender fluid. My sexual expression -- and orientation -- shifts back and forth over time. This is far more than simply wearing ladies' underwear or craving sex with men.

I live in an extremely conservative, mid-sized city, where there is practically no acceptance of gays or lesbians, and intersex people are unheard of. There are no knowledgeable doctors, counselors or support groups anywhere nearby. It would be so comforting to find someone like myself to share these feelings with. Is it even possible? -- UNCOMFORTABLY QUIET IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR QUIET: Have you searched online for the wealth of information on sexuality and gender identity? PFLAG, the excellent organization I have mentioned in my column before, has a chapter in your city, which has for many years provided support and information to LGBTQ individuals and their families. It will also guide you to other resources nearby. Please go to pflag.org and search on your geographical area. Trust me, if you do, you'll be glad you did.

Love & DatingSex & Gender
life

In His Fiancee's Eyes, Man's Secret Life Online Is Cheating

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: After a long relationship, "Eric" and I plan on getting married very soon. My problem is, Eric is secretive. He keeps his phone right next to him, and before he walks into the house, he sits in his car, clearing his history. I know he looks at porn, and I'm not happy about it, but it's the other things I'm angry and confused about.

He secretly has social media. I know he's been sending pictures of himself to women, and they send pictures to him. Isn't that cheating? I think secret phone and video calls to women is cheating. I saw an image of a woman's private parts on his phone, and he told me lies about it. When I have confronted him about chatting with the other women, he gets angry and withdraws. One woman even sent me their chat history, and he lied about that, too.

Abby, I love my man, but I feel he's cheating. I don't know what else to do as there's a wedding soon. -- DESPERATE FOR ANSWERS

DEAR DESPERATE: I have sad news for you. Eric isn't "your" man. From your description, you are sharing him with heaven only knows how many others. You already know he has a problem with the truth. When you tried to do something about it, he became emotionally abusive. This is what your future will be if you marry him.

I have only three words of advice for you, and I sincerely hope you will take them to heart: Cancel the wedding!

Love & Dating
life

Lack of Sympathy Reveals Friend's True Colors

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: How do you know if a friend is actually a "frenemy"? I think my friend "Gwen" may be one.

I successfully started a second career and was doing well, but Gwen had no interest in hearing about it. She also announced her engagement on my wedding day, which diverted attention away from me on my special day.

I went through a difficult time because several family members passed away, and Gwen was neither supportive nor particularly sympathetic. Her lack of response made things even harder for me. I no longer feel like I can share my successes about saving money or getting raises, because this "friend" would be threatened by it. I almost felt Gwen was happy when I was struggling, because it made her better than I was.

Is it OK to let people go? Is this a real friend? -- FRIEND OR FOE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR F. OR F.: Gwen appears to have neither good judgment nor empathy. If those are qualities you value in a friend, my advice is to look elsewhere. Friends celebrate their friends' successes and reach out to offer comfort when they suffer losses. It is not only OK to let people like Gwen drift away, but it is also healthy.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Teen Who Brings Friend Home at Noon Attracts Neighbor's Attention

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 29th, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My neighbor has a 17-year-old daughter. Fifteen weekdays a month she and a boy from school come home for 30 to 50 minutes during the noon hour. (Five days a month she comes home by herself.) Her mom and dad are both at work. Do you think her parents should know about the "nooners" at their house? -- NOSY NEIGHBOR IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR NEIGHBOR: Yes, I do think you should casually ask if they are aware of it. However, when you do, make sure not to sound accusatory or judgmental -- just "curious."

Sex & GenderTeensFriends & Neighbors

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