life

Man Disabled as a Teen Is Haunted by Parents' Inaction

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 16th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When I was a junior in high school, I sustained a neck injury (at school) that damaged my spinal cord. I recovered mostly from that, but I have residual weakness in my right side and severe neck pain. I was able to work until, at 57, I had to go on disability. Because of that, my financial situation is difficult, increasingly so now that my wife will be retiring.

At the time of my injury, my parents didn't sue the school, although clearly the school was responsible. I was too young and certainly in no shape to address the situation.

A lawyer approached my parents at the time, and my physician stated my injuries would limit my long-term work abilities and drastically affect my life. My parents were aware that I would have limited work years, thus affecting my financial situation. I feel anger toward them because of their inaction regarding my injury and not suing the school.

I see them once or twice a week, and I'm wondering if I should bring this up to them now. They're in their mid-80s but are quite lively and take care of themselves. It consumes my thoughts each time I visit them, but I've said nothing. Do you think I should bring this up to them? -- INJURED IN TENNESSEE

DEAR INJURED: Yes, I do. You deserve to know why they were so apathetic in taking care of your welfare -- and they should be made aware of the impact it has had on your life. It may be too late to sue the school for what happened to you, but at least you will have some answers.

Work & SchoolFamily & ParentingMoneyHealth & Safety
life

Husband's Mother Targets Daughter-in-Law With Vitriol

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 16th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am suffering from postpartum depression while trying to reconcile with my husband, "Derek." He had several emotional affairs during my recent pregnancy, as well as after I gave birth.

His parents attacked me about the postpartum. I was hospitalized for a week because of it, but they said it was an act. Recently, his mom texted him saying he should use my mental illness as grounds to divorce me. I texted her, asking her to stop attacking me that way. She responded, calling me a devil, saying she's always hated me. Now she's turning his entire family against me, spreading vicious lies. She even accused me of trying to sleep with my father-in-law, which Derek knows is ridiculous.

I have asked Derek to address the situation, but what else can I do? I'm no longer comfortable around his parents or sending my children to be around them. I don't want Derek to be in an awkward position, but it's not fair for me to be attacked with malicious lies because of her jealousy -- especially 12 years in. Please help. -- DISRESPECTED IN ILLINOIS

DEAR DISRESPECTED: You may be suffering from postpartum, but your mother-in-law appears to have more problems than you do. I don't envy you for being her target, or your husband for having to buffer you.

It might be helpful if the two of you consult a licensed mental health provider to figure out how to deal with her, if that's possible. And Derek should waste no time letting the rest of the family know that none of what his mother is saying is true.

Family & ParentingMental HealthMarriage & Divorce
life

Man's Explosive Anger Causes Concern for Easygoing Fiancee

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 15th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a wonderful guy. He is very sweet, and I'm beyond thankful for him. I wouldn't trade him for the world. But he has a character flaw that's hard to ignore. When he gets frustrated, he screams out loud and takes a while to get himself together.

When he lost his phone on a plane and was angry for hours, he pouted and scowled like the world had just ended. I have a very easygoing personality, and I don't understand this type of behavior. (He contacted his phone provider, and a new phone was delivered to him within 24 hours.)

When I talked to him about his anger, he said sometimes people get frustrated and show emotions. He added that he has noticed this issue, and it's something he's been working on for years. What should I do or say the next time we encounter a mishap and he becomes angry? -- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR WONDERING: Your fiance may be a perfectionist or even have a touch of OCD, which is why he is so hard on himself when he makes a mistake and becomes frustrated. For his own sake (and yours), he needs to find a better way of venting his emotions.

While anger is something everyone experiences at one time or another, most people start learning to control it during childhood. While pouting and scowling are acceptable, your fiance "screaming" over losing his cellphone seems over the top. Not only that, it is intimidating. My booklet "The Anger in All of Us and How To Deal With It" contains suggestions for managing and constructively channeling anger in various situations. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus a check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to Dear Abby Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Your fiance needs to learn to channel his emotions more constructively because if he doesn't, it may eventually drive others away. We live in increasingly stressful times. It takes self-control as well as maturity to react calmly instead of exploding. Being in touch with his emotions will not only help your fiance calm himself without losing it, it will also help him maintain the respect of others.

Love & Dating
life

Co-Worker Cringes at Woman's Hands-On Habits

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 15th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend and co-worker who likes to play with my hair, rub my back and put her hands on me in general. I am not a touchy-feely kind of person with anyone, and it makes me very uncomfortable when she does this. Is there a polite way of telling her to stop without making her feel uncomfortable or hurting her feelings? I'm not a "beat around the bush" kind of person, and I sometimes lack the tact of putting things nicely. -- NO TOUCHY-FEELY

DEAR NO TOUCHY-FEELY: To express your feelings would not be lacking in tact; it would be setting a boundary. Try this: "I like you very much, and I know the feelings are mutual, but I do not like to be touched, and I want you to stop doing it."

Work & SchoolFriends & Neighbors
life

Parents Oppose Relationship With Man of Different Culture

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 14th, 2020 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 25-year-old college student on the verge of graduation. Over the past three months, I have been dating a slightly younger man (he's 21). We get along well, and I thoroughly enjoy his company. He has never been anything but kind and supportive.

My parents have an issue with the match. My boyfriend is Latino, born and raised in a South American country. He speaks and understands English well, although speaking it does make him a little nervous. I speak Spanish fluently, so when we talk to each other, he speaks in Spanish and I speak in English, and we have no problem communicating.

My parents think that relationships (especially marriages) are already hard enough, and adding cultural differences to the equation is a dangerous gamble for my future happiness. They strongly oppose my continuing my relationship with him. Do you think their argument is valid?

I've looked up statistics that say marriages between a Latino man and white woman are the most likely to end in divorce (not that I'm thinking of marrying him any time soon, but one of my future goals is to be in a happy marriage, and I realize that you marry who you date). The idea of ending a relationship with someone I adore based on statistics is upsetting to me. I'd really appreciate your thoughts. -- GROWN-UP IN UTAH

DEAR GROWN-UP: You have been dating this man for only three months. By the age of 25, the decision about whom you decide to eventually marry should be yours, not your parents', regardless of how well-meaning they are. Do not let statistics rule your life because there are always exceptions. Let this play out, and you will have your answer.

Family & ParentingLove & Dating
life

Wife Feels Homebody Husband Is Holding Her Back

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 14th, 2020 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband finds fault and makes negative comments about almost everything. He rarely talks to me about anything. I am not happy with my life with him. I feel there is so much I want to do and explore. He is content to stay at home, watch TV and occasionally do little projects around the house. Then it is time for TV again.

We are both retired. My adult kids and my grandchildren are my whole life. We are all very close. My husband, on the other hand, rarely talks to or calls his kids, even though I encourage him to. One child no longer even speaks to him. Another one lives too far away to see him (a 10-hour drive), which is his reason for not visiting him.

With no friends and very little family contact, I feel I am all he has. I want to run away, but if I do, he'd be heartbroken. Sad to say, I wouldn't even miss him. What should I do? -- UNFULFILLED IN OHIO

DEAR UNFULFILLED: Has your husband always been this way? If the answer is no, he may be depressed, which is something that should be discussed with his doctor.

I don't think you should leave him -- immediately. If you want to travel and have the means to do so, travel with some friends. The only thing you should not do is permit yourself to become isolated because your husband is so closed off.

Family & ParentingMarriage & Divorce

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