life

After Mediterranean Honeymoon, Man Refuses To Live With Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2020 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My heart is breaking for my friend who was married just a month and a half ago. She and her husband went on a two-week Mediterranean cruise for their honeymoon. They have not lived together since then. Her husband says he loves her, and I know she loves him, but he has no immediate plans to live with her! She's heartbroken and is planning an annulment. What advice do you have? -- THROWN IN MARYLAND

DEAR THROWN: I wish you had shared a few more details about their situation. I'm surprised your friend wasn't aware of her husband's feelings before she married him.

However, as sympathetic as you are about her situation, my advice is to be there for her to lean on but refrain from giving her advice. She's going to have to figure this out for herself. Some couples do better if they live separately. But if what her husband has in mind was a surprise and is unacceptable to her, she is doing the right thing.

Holidays & CelebrationsMarriage & DivorceFriends & Neighbors
life

Wife Can't Make Husband Keep His Hands to Himself

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2020 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure if anyone else has this problem. My husband is constantly grabbing me, either my breasts or my crotch. It's day and night. We have been married almost 40 years, and I am sick of it.

If I say something, he says, "Oh, I bet the guys you work with would love to be touching you!" Not once have my co-workers ever implied such a thing. I just don't understand! Any suggestions on how I can make him understand I hate this? -- GROPED OUT WEST

DEAR GROPED: Your husband may consider what he's doing as foreplay or regard you not as a person but his property. Touching someone in this manner without consent could be considered sexual abuse. His comment about your male co-workers may be a back-handed compliment, but why you are sick of hearing it is understandable.

If he doesn't understand after 40 years that you dislike what he's doing, it's because he doesn't want to, and your feelings are unimportant to him. A marriage counselor may be able to help you get through to him. If he won't go, go without him.

AbuseSex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Dentures Prevent Woman From Jumping Into the Dating Pool

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 2nd, 2020 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am 59 years old with a good job. I have a pleasant personality, and I have been told I am attractive. I would love to find someone who would be a very good friend or maybe even a love connection.

The problem is, I wear partials because some of my teeth are missing. I'm very attractive with them in, but I'm afraid if I tell a man I have them, he won't regard me as attractive anymore. Should I withhold that information until further down the line?

Please advise me because this is holding me back on trying to have a relationship. I don't want to remain lonely because of this. -- READY FOR SOMETHING IN D.C.

DEAR READY: You state that you have a good job. If all that's holding you back from finding a partner is embarrassment about your dentures, contact a dentist and ask if there are other options, such as implants, that might be a solution for you. If there are, it will give you the boost of confidence you are seeking. If not, keep in mind that if you are dating the right man in your age group or older, he shouldn't have as much a problem with your teeth as you fear.

Love & Dating
life

New Decade Brings Positive Resolutions for Happy Future

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | January 1st, 2020

DEAR READERS: Welcome to 2020! The New Year has arrived, and with it our chance for a new beginning.

Today we have an opportunity to discard destructive old habits for healthy new ones, and with that in mind, I will share Dear Abby's often-requested list of New Year's Resolutions, which were adapted by my late mother, Pauline Phillips, from the original credo of Al-Anon:

JUST FOR TODAY: I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once.

I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I will improve my appearance, speak softly and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I will refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. And I will get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY: I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.

And now, Dear Readers, I would like to share an item that was sent to me by L.J. Bhatia, a reader from New Delhi, India:

DEAR ABBY: This year, no resolutions, only some guidelines. The Holy Vedas say: "Man has subjected himself to thousands of self-inflicted bondages. Wisdom comes to a man who lives according to the true eternal laws of nature."

The prayer of St. Francis (of which there are several versions) contains a powerful message:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;

To be understood, as to understand;

To be loved, as to love;

For it is in giving that we receive,

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

And so, Dear Readers, may 2020 bring with it good health, peace and joy to all of you. -- LOVE, ABBY

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Bride-To-Be Attempts To Keep Costs and Hurt Feelings Down

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have an awkward wedding conundrum I hope you can help me with. I am getting married in April and want to invite two co-workers with whom I am very close. One of them is married; the other, "Sara," is in the process of divorcing her husband. Sara was unhappy for years with her almost ex-husband, and we witnessed the deterioration of their marriage over several years.

About a year ago, while still married, Sara began an affair. She's still "seeing" this man -- sneaking out, meeting him on his lunch break, going to motels -- while she goes through the divorce process. She considers them to have been a couple for the past year.

I'm keeping a very tight grip on my guest list to control the costs. I don't want to pass judgment on Sara, but I don't think her situation at present qualifies as a true, committed relationship, which is the parameter I set when deciding who gets to bring a plus-one. I also don't want my wedding to be the event where she "debuts" her new man.

I know she will feel slighted because in her mind he's her boyfriend, and they are a couple. I have met him only once, but because they have been so secretive, he's a complete stranger to me. Sara may resent that I invited our other co-worker's husband and not her "boyfriend." Is there a way I can handle this tactfully? -- BEWILDERED BRIDE

DEAR BEWILDERED: If you invite one close co-worker's significant other and exclude the other, there are guaranteed to be hurt feelings. If you explain that you don't feel she is in a committed relationship (after a year!), you will get yourself deeper into hot water because she will be insulted. Believe me, if you do what you are considering, it's going to cost you far more than the price of two dinners.

Etiquette & EthicsWork & SchoolFriends & NeighborsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Single Woman Is Looking for Love, but Not Sex

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 67-year-old woman. I've been single all my life but now wish I could find a companion to share my later years with. My problem is, I'm not interested in a sexual relationship. I have never been good at the physical part of intimacy. As a result, I've had limited experience and not much luck with men. When I was younger, I had a reasonably healthy sexual appetite, but couldn't seem to do "the act" right, although I enjoyed the prelude.

My idea of a relationship now would be with a kind, supportive man who likes to dance and enjoy life, but who's OK with no sex. Is this a reasonable expectation at my age, or should I just give it all up? I don't even know how I'd go about finding such a partner without fearing I'd have to prove myself and experience more loss.

Incidentally, I had counseling years ago about other issues, and the strong possibility arose about childhood sexual abuse, but it was vague and not resolved. -- WANTING THIS BUT NOT THAT

DEAR WANTING: I can't guarantee that you will find a partner, but there is a website for asexual people that offers a lot of information as well as a way to connect with the rest of the "ace" (short for "asexual") community. Its members call it AVEN, which stands for Asexual Visibility and Education Network. It can be found at asexuality.org. You and many others may find it helpful, and I wish you luck in your quest to find a loving relationship.

Sex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Happy New Year!

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | December 31st, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR READERS: Well, contentious 2019 is at an end! Please accept my heartfelt good wishes for a happy, healthy and successful 2020. And if you plan to be out partying tonight to ring in the New Year, please be sure you have appropriate transportation arrangements and be safe! -- LOVE, ABBY

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