DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- ABBY
Transportation Is Not the Only Issue After Driving Is Restricted
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for 10 years. We live together as husband and wife, but for personal reasons, we decided marriage is not for us. I have been married and divorced twice and have three children. One is 17, and the older two are grown. None of them have cars. We live in a rural area without public transportation.
I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and given a six-month driving restriction. Before my diagnosis, my boyfriend signed up to do a sport over the summer that takes him away four Sundays, our only day together. He does a different sport that takes him away for Labor Day. It upsets me that knowing I cannot get around and feel "trapped," he hasn't altered his plans in any way. He says I'm not as "trapped" as I feel, and I should use expensive ride-sharing services or rely solely on friends, which I feel is an imposition. I don't have many friends, especially ones who live close.
Because he isn't willing to modify his plans, I feel like I'm taking a back seat to his hobbies. Is this fair? What advice can you provide so I don't feel as angry and resentful as I currently do? I still have five months to go on this restriction, and that is only if I am seizure-free. -- STUCK IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STUCK: Is it out of the question that you could accompany him to one or more of these Sunday games?
It appears your guy is centered solely on himself. Couples are supposed to have each other's backs. Although you never stood at an altar and pledged "in sickness and in health," after 10 years together, one would think the promise is implied. Consider this a wake-up call. It indicates that should you have more serious health problems down the line, this is what you can expect from him in the future.
That said, your present condition should improve by the end of the summer. Focusing on that fact may lessen your resentment right now. But don't beat yourself up for having the feelings you do; right now, they are warranted.
If your children have driver's licenses, perhaps they could drive you around so you're not so isolated.
DEAR ABBY: We have a large break room at work where we gather to have lunch. Usually there are six to eight nurses gathering at one time. Sometimes we bring lunch from home; other times we order out individually.
One co-worker constantly helps herself to others' food without it being offered. Example: If you order fries with your lunch, she will reach over and grab some off your plate without asking. It makes the rest of us uncomfortable. We feel it is rude and unsanitary. How do we politely ask her to stop doing this? -- HUNGRY NURSES
DEAR HUNGRY: Politely ask? Politely TELL the woman you don't want her removing food from your plates without permission. And if she does it again, use your fork to "discourage" her, and I'll bet it won't happen again.
Woman in Love Longs to Hear Three Little Words From Beau
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a little more than two years. We are both divorced and have children. Mine are 20 and 15; his are 12 and 10. We are very close, all of our kids get along, all the exes get along, etc.
I love him. Despite thinking I'd never feel this way again, it has happened. He treats me SO well -- he is absolutely amazing to me. We go places, do things -- dinners, family events, etc. I have never felt so loved and valued.
My issue is, he has not said the words "I love you" yet. We have discussed it a few times, but he is terrified to say it because of his divorce. I don't want to pressure him, but how long should I wait for him to say it before moving on? As a side note, it took him forever to say it to his now ex-wife when they were dating. -- LOVING HIM
DEAR LOVING: Moving on? This man shows you by his actions the way he feels about you, and you admit that you have never felt so loved and valued. It takes no effort to say, "I love you." Many people have been known to say it without meaning it.
That said, after two years it would not be pushy to ask him what the future looks like from his perspective.
DEAR ABBY: I've been "ghosted" on social media by two friends who were, at different times, also work partners. We formed close and supportive bonds over many years, and I considered each of them a friend I could trust.
Being ghosted without any explanation has been very painful. I made a few attempts with each of them to ask why and never received an answer. That, too, has been painful. I'm not a person who has had friendship ruptures in my life. I have always been one to work out differences and disagreements. So this has been surprising.
These were separate friendships; the ghostings happened at separate times. To my knowledge, they have no connection with one another. I can't think of anything I did to cause this. I understand the need to "edit" one's social media friends list from time to time, but ghosting a longtime friend and colleague with no explanation seems like rude, hurtful behavior that leaves no possible good resolution. What do you think? -- GHOSTED TWICE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR GHOSTED: Life isn't always a tidy affair. Sometimes, much as we would wish it, there are no answers. Rather than obsess about why these former work friends no longer communicate, it would be healthier for you to move on and not look back. You have asked them for answers. They weren't forthcoming. Now go!
DEAR ABBY: Here's a fun suggestion for grandmothers who are upset about teens not writing thank-you notes. If you want to hear from a teen, try this: Send a card and write inside, "Happy Birthday! Please buy something fun or something you need with the enclosed check. Love you, Grandma." Then forget to enclose the check. You will hear from that child, I promise. -- NEW ENGLAND NANA
DEAR NANA: You are a shrewd and witty lady. I'm sure my readers will love that suggestion. I know I did!
Family Won't Stop Reminding Woman of Her Failed Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I married when I was in my early 20s and stayed married for four years. It has been five years since my divorce. We had no children, and I haven't had contact with my ex. The problem is, my family won't stop bringing him up. My sister is being married soon, so they constantly discuss my wedding.
I didn't live near my family before the divorce, so they don't know how bad my marriage really was. I didn't tell them because I don't think it's their business. They didn't like him, but they don't know all of my reasons for getting divorced. I have moved on with my life.
I recently moved back to be near my family, which I regret now because they can't let go of my past. I have changed a lot in the time that I lived away from them. I worked my way through college and dealt with a genetic, life-threatening health issue (hospital stays included), all without their support. Since then, I have focused on my career, my health, self-care and my happiness. I'm proud of myself and have made only positive changes since my divorce.
I have told my family I don't appreciate their constantly bringing up my failed marriage and my sister's wedding all the time, but they continue to do so. They say they don't understand why it bothers me. Am I overreacting? How do I establish boundaries with them about this? As of now, I'm spending less time with them in order to stay focused on my life goals. -- KEEPING THE PAST IN THE PAST
DEAR KEEPING: You shouldn't blame your relatives for something they don't know -- specifically, the fact that your marriage was much worse than they realize. This is wedding season, your sister's nuptials are fast approaching, and it's only natural that the subject of weddings -- present, future and past -- comes up. Remind them that your marriage is a sensitive subject. If they don't stop bringing it up after that, then continue to distance yourself.
History of Distrust Complicates Response to Sister's Illness
DEAR ABBY: After many years of much silence, backstabbing and abuse from my sister, I got a text from her telling me she's starting chemo for a form of leukemia. This has been going on for more than four years, but she thought now I should be "in the loop."
I told her I will be praying for her. I had to hold back the emotional, "What can I do for you?" She lives about five hours away, but knowing my siblings, I know they'll be hanging around and judging me on what I do next. I told her I am in shock right now.
I have very mixed emotions about how to handle this news -- from trust issues to guilt to pain. We are both in our mid-60s. Any advice would be helpful. -- LOST SIS
DEAR LOST SIS: Start by doing what you said you would -- praying for her. A few days -- or weeks -- after her treatment has started, call to see how she is doing. If the call goes well, continue to check in on her. If she wants you to come, put aside your differences and pay her a visit. If the call doesn't go well, don't put yourself in that position again, and do not apologize or feel guilty for doing it. Forgive her and forgive yourself.
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