life

Parents Are Up in Arms Over Boy's Photos Posted Online

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 19th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a happy, adorable 18-month-old son. Understandably, he's the light of our lives.

Early in my pregnancy, I decided to not post a pregnancy announcement or pictures of him on social media. I felt my son should have the autonomy to build his own social media presence as he saw fit. During the past year, I have felt comfortable sharing about five pictures of him with my 40-plus close friends and family who follow that social media account.

My mother-in-law has been posting pictures of my son to her social media account for a while now. It bothered me, but I didn't voice any concerns because I didn't want to overreact. A few weeks ago, my husband texted her a picture of our son, himself and me. A few hours later, it ended up on her social media account with a filter altering the picture's original color!

My husband and I became extremely upset about it, and my husband agreed to tell her that she could no longer share pictures of our son on social media. Is this appropriate? I don't want to be one of those controlling, domineering parents, but I firmly believe that my mother-in-law should have asked permission prior to sharing any pictures of our son. Am I correct? -- NEW MOM IN NEW YORK

DEAR MOM: You and your husband should ask yourselves what has upset you more -- that his mother shared a family picture with her circle of friends (as you have with 40-plus of yours) or that she altered the color. If you prefer she post no more pictures, ask her to stop and explain why. If it's the fact that she took artistic license, I think you are overreacting and you should let it go.

Family & Parenting
life

Promising Relationship Ends When Woman's Ex Pays Surprise Visit

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 19th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old widower. For the past year I've been dating a woman, "Celeste," and our relationship was growing closer (we were intimate, and we seemed to be becoming a couple). Because she's a big fan of a particular performer who was going to be in our area, I bought tickets for us two months in advance. They were quite expensive. Celeste knew about it and was eager to go.

On the day of the performance, when I went to pick her up, she informed me that she wouldn't be able to go. A friend had just come into town (passing through on business) and surprised her with a visit. She apologized and promised she'd explain later that weekend.

Well, the man turns out to be a former beau she hadn't seen in about a year. Celeste seems to think I should be OK with her canceling our date, but I can't help but feel she was wrong to do it so she could spend the weekend with a former lover. (What am I? A consolation prize?) I ended the relationship over the brush-off she gave me, but she is trying to renew things. Was I wrong to take this as serious enough to end the relationship? -- PERPLEXED EX IN MISSOURI

DEAR EX: You were not wrong. Celeste stood you up, which was, to say the least, inconsiderate of your feelings. (Did she offer to reimburse you for those tickets? I'm betting she didn't.) She's trying to renew the romance with you (for now) because her former beau's visit ended. When he called, she should have told him she had a previous commitment and honored it. That she didn't shows she is self-centered and will continue to be if you allow it.

Eligible men your age are a hot commodity. It shouldn't be too hard to find someone who appreciates what you have to offer. Move on.

Love & Dating
life

Smoker's Wife Draws a Line in the Bedroom Until He Quits

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 18th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 27 years. We love each other and raised two beautiful children together.

When we started dating, we were both smokers. My wife quit 20 years ago, but I continued. Two years ago, my wife told me no more sex until I do. Abby, I smoke only about 15 cigarettes a day and never in the house or car. I know it's terrible for my health, and I need to quit, but I enjoy it.

So it has been two years since we have had any intimate contact. I barely can get a kiss out of her because she says she can't stand the smell. I'm only 50, and I enjoy having sex. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Is my wife right by putting her foot down like this? She has never been a big fan of sex, but she has always satisfied me. I think this is her way of avoiding sex.

I know she's doing it because she loves me, but I have a hard time accepting it. I have tried numerous times to quit and have used medication, hypnosis, gum, etc., to no avail. Please help. -- ALL SMOKE, NO SEX IN MICHIGAN

DEAR A.S.N.S.: Forgive me if I seem to lack empathy, but I don't think you are aware of how the odor of stale tobacco affects former smokers. It is gross. The smoke clings to the smoker's skin, hair and clothing, and it's the polar opposite of an aphrodisiac.

Because medication, hypnosis, gum, etc. have not helped you to kick the habit, what's left is the old-fashioned way: cold turkey. The American Cancer Society sponsors an event every year called The Great American Smokeout. This year it is on Thursday, Nov. 21.

The theory behind it is, if someone can refrain from smoking for one day, he or she can build upon that for two days, a week, a month, etc. Many former smokers have quit this way, and if sex is as important to you as you say, I urge you to try it. (If you tell your wife you accept her terms, your situation may improve dramatically.)

Marriage & DivorceHealth & Safety
life

Friend Claims Online Obsession Doesn't Count As an Affair

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 18th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have a disagreement with a friend about the difference between a conventional affair and an online affair. My friend insists the latter isn't an affair because it isn't physical. My opinion is, when you connect with someone online, you develop an emotional attachment to your online friend. This attachment is no different than having a physical affair. It can damage or destroy a marriage when you sneak around and lie to your mate. Do you agree? -- DEFINING IT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR DEFINING: I do agree. A relationship that involves sneaking around and lying to one's spouse is a betrayal, regardless of whether or not it's physical.

Marriage & DivorceFriends & Neighbors
life

Gift Cards Would Be Perfect This Christmas for Studio Apartment Dweller

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 18th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I live in a tiny studio apartment. All my stuff is in storage until I buy a home, which will be in about two years. Would it be wrong to ask my siblings to not give me any gifts for Christmas? A card would be a lot more suitable. -- SIBLING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SIBLING: If a card would be more suitable, as long as you explain your reason for deviating from tradition, I see no reason why you can't be frank with your siblings. Do it now, before they start their Christmas shopping.

Holidays & CelebrationsFriends & Neighbors
life

Off-Topic Discussions Cause Patient to Question Therapist

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 17th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been working through major anxiety issues with a therapist for the last few months. Sometimes he is very helpful; other times he goes off on tangents, talking about topics I don't feel the need to discuss (and things that don't necessarily pertain to me). I find it frustrating, and at times, it makes me angry (although I keep that to myself). How can I keep my therapist on track? Or, how can I break up with him without just ghosting him? -- WANTS TO MAKE REAL CHANGES

DEAR WANTS: As a patient, you are in a vulnerable position. Many times a patient will feel hesitant to tell a therapist that a line of conversation seems uncomfortable or irrelevant. However, because it is uncomfortable you should not let that stop you. Your therapist may explain to you why he is pursuing the issues. You can then accept or reject the explanation. If you continue to feel uncomfortable after that, you can "disengage" via a letter or a phone call. Ghosting is the coward's way out, and I don't recommend it.

Etiquette & EthicsMental Health
life

Words Can't Express Couple's Longtime Relationship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 17th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I don't know how to refer to the man I love. We are both older and have been living together for years. Introducing him as my "boyfriend" makes me feel like a kid in a short-term relationship. I can't use "husband" because we get our full benefits being single. (If we marry, we could lose half our income.)

I tried "partner," but people assumed I was speaking of a business partner or a same-sex partner. "Lover" comes across as an extramarital affair. There has to be another word for a couple who lives together for years, like in a marriage, but who cannot marry. -- UNCLASSIFIED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR UNCLASSIFIED: You might refer to the gentleman as your honey, your sweetheart, your loved one or spouse -- or simply by his name. Most of the people with whom you are speaking probably know you live together, and if they are new acquaintances, there is no requirement that you explain your marital or financial situation.

Love & DatingEtiquette & Ethics
life

Man Who Wants a Puppy Gets a No Vote From His Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | November 17th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband wants a puppy. He is almost 75 and plays golf four days a week. I'm 70 and work four days a week. I also do lots of volunteer work, which I enjoy.

I not only do not want the responsibility of a pet, but I also feel that a pet is a family member. It will need more attention than my husband has time to give, not to mention the time, effort and consistency needed to train a puppy. Our neighbor has a dog that my sweet hubby can play with every day if he wants to. Please help me. -- RETIRED PET LOVER IN LOUISIANA

DEAR PET LOVER: If your sweet hubby feels the need to pet and cuddle a puppy, tell him he can do so at the local shelter. Then suggest that if he wants to adopt a dog, it should be an older one from a shelter or rescue group. If he does, you stand a better chance of winding up with a pet that is already trained and housebroken, and the responsibility for educating it won't fall on your shoulders.

Marriage & Divorce

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