DEAR ABBY: I have some bad memories connected with my mother, who was physically abusive. It wasn't consistent, but sometimes she would lose it, and I was beaten quite badly a few times. It weighs on my mind intermittently, and I want to have a conversation with her about it. Then I remind myself that it occurred more than 40 years ago.

I'm 48 now, and she's 74, and it would probably make her extremely upset. Because I'm an adult, shouldn't I be able to process this on my own? I'm inclined to let it go, but it still pops up in my thoughts. Any advice? -- FLASHBACKS IN THE EAST

DEAR FLASHBACKS: You are a survivor of sometimes serious physical abuse. There are no "shoulds" when survivorship is involved. If you feel the need to talk this through with your mother, then do exactly that because you are entitled. She may not want to hear what you have to say, but unless she's on her deathbed, she should be strong enough to withstand a frank conversation. However, before you approach her, I suggest you first talk with a therapist who is licensed and experienced in counseling victims of abuse.

DEAR ABBY: I own a hair salon and love my job. I make a determined effort not to bring my problems to work, to be positive and not gossip. Unfortunately, my clients don't always return the favor.

I understand people need a sounding board, but it's exhausting to hear about every ache, pain and bruise as well as other negative tidbits. How do I tactfully let these people know my shoulders are only so broad, and their complaints are wearing me down? -- PULLING MY HAIR OUT IN IDAHO

DEAR PULLING YOUR HAIR OUT: I urge you to resist the temptation. "Hairdresser as Confidant and Confessor" has been in existence since the cosmetology profession started. If your clients need to get something off their shoulders (besides their tresses), give them the gift of a willing ear. This is so important that in some communities hairdressers are being taught the signs of domestic abuse and where to refer the victims.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a teenager who has lived in Boston and a few other places. Now I live in Utah. My two Boston friends were just out here visiting, but they are gone now. I have "friends" here, but they bully me. They make fun of me and call me dumb, or say that I never seem to do the right thing. I have pulled back from them, and I now realize I really have no friends. What do I do? Help! -- BULLIED IN UTAH

DEAR BULLIED: Friends don't treat friends the way those individuals treated you, so be glad they are out of your life. Making friends requires putting yourself out there. Consider participating in sports or extracurricular activities, if they are offered at school or in your community. If there are youth clubs, see if any of them interest you. If your family has joined a church, inquire about youth activities you can join. If you do, I predict that in a very short time, you'll be friendless no more.

DEAR ABBY: I am engaged to the love of my life ("Tom"), and I dread making the guest list for our wedding. I don't want any of my cousins there. The young ones are rude and obnoxious, and the one who's an adult I no longer talk to. I asked my mom what to do. She said if we invite any kids, then we must invite all of them.

We would like my fiance's young nieces and nephews to be in the wedding party. Tom said he isn't inviting anyone he doesn't want there. A few family members invited me to their weddings because my parents were invited, but I don't feel I know them well enough to invite them to mine, although one couple was kind enough to get us an engagement present. I want to be nice, but I don't want any nonsense. Please help. -- TORN IN THE EAST

DEAR TORN: Your mother has the right idea. Listen to her. Weddings can bring families together, but they can also do the opposite. The relatives you are thinking of excluding are the children of your parents' siblings. If you don't know them well, be gracious. Should you snub them while including your fiance's nieces and nephews, word will get back to them -- trust me on that -- and the negative repercussions could last for many years and affect not just you but also your parents.

DEAR ABBY: I work for a large company that handles calls from all around the U.S. It amazes me how many people call and don't realize we can't hear them when their TV is blaring, their kids are screaming or their dogs are barking.

My plea to callers: Please choose a quiet, uninterrupted time so we can help you. Also, we are able to hear you when you are using the bathroom during your call, and that includes every little sound you are making. It's not pleasant, thank you very much!

And when we ask you for your mailing address, try to remember that we are not around the block from you. Give us your entire address, including the ZIP code, because lots of states have towns with the same names. And oh, by the way, when you're eating that snack, the crunching and bag crumpling are like explosions in our ears.

Please help us to help you when you call, and be courteous. We are regular people just like you. -- HERE TO HELP YOU

DEAR HERE TO HELP: I hear you loud and clear, and so do my readers. I'm printing your letter because sometimes "regular people" just need to be reminded.

DEAR ABBY: I have a preteen daughter, and for the last couple of years we have read Hanukkah books and lit the menorah, always saying the prayers. We are not Jewish, but I want her to be tolerant of all religions and cultures. Is this disrespectful to the Jewish community? -- LOVE TO ALL IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR LOVE: I don't think so. As long as you're celebrating, because Hanukkah lasts eight days, give your daughter a little gift each night so she can enjoy all the benefits of the holiday while she's at it.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law is contemplating a move to the small Southern town my husband and I have called home for more than 10 years. She's a vibrant, well-to-do Southern lady with many friends and family in the big city where she has lived her entire life. The problem is, I really don't want her to live near us. We have five children whom she constantly tries to tell me how to raise, and I'm not sure she even likes the children.

I don't know why she wants to make this drastic move because she ridiculed us when we relocated. For that matter, she ridicules us about everything we do. (We are relatively normal, boring people.) My husband has stayed quiet about the situation.

How can I tell her we would prefer she stay in the big city without hurting her feelings? We visit her often, and she visits us. This arrangement has worked for many years. -- LOVING OUR QUIET WAY OF LIFE

DEAR LOVING: What exactly do you mean when you say your husband has stayed quiet about this whole situation? Do you know what is driving your mother-in-law's decision to move closer? Could she be concerned about her age and her health, and feel insecure being so far from "family"?

If it's not a health problem, then you and your husband are going to have to speak up. Your mother-in-law should be told that the two of you do not agree with her parenting advice, that you feel she has ridiculed you and your husband for years, and you would prefer that she remain where she is. And if she makes the move anyway -- which she may -- keep your distance.

DEAR ABBY: My twin sister and I are roommates. Although we usually get along well, she does one thing in particular that bothers me. When she goes out on a date (or home) with a guy she doesn't want me to know about, she lies. She'll tell me she's at a happy hour, a friend's house or still at work. I realize she doesn't have to tell me where she is 24/7, but I hate being lied to.

It scares and upsets me when midnight rolls around on a weeknight, she still hasn't returned from her "happy hour," and won't answer my texts or calls. I have told her numerous times that for safety reasons I wish she'd be honest and let me know where she's going and whom she's with. She accuses me of trying to pry into her personal life. How can I get her to see my side? -- TWO SIDES IN VIRGINIA

DEAR TWO SIDES: People who keep secrets often have something to hide. If your sister were proud of what she's doing (and the men she is with), she wouldn't be so secretive. As well-intentioned as you are, you can't force her to level with you. And because of that, it might lower the stress in your life if the two of you make other living arrangements.