life

Long Lost Father Is Found, but Then Quickly Lost Again

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I grew up not knowing who my biological father was. When I met him for the first time, I was 18. When we met, I felt I had found a piece of who I was. I loved him immediately, as if I had known him my whole life.

We talked and hung out for the next four months until I moved in with him to escape an abusive relationship. I was pregnant at the time and spent half my pregnancy living with him, my stepmother, half-brother and stepbrother. I moved back in with my mom a few months later.

Since then, my father has cut me off. I have been trying so hard to get him to talk to me. He hasn't met my son yet, rarely responds to my texts and never answers my calls. I have invited him to every birthday party, sent him cards for every holiday, begged him to see me and my son. It's been four years now, and I'm heartbroken.

I miss him so much. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped out. My grandmother told me that because my older half-sister left with her kids without saying goodbye to him, it broke his heart, and he is afraid I will do the same. What should I do? -- MISSING MY DAD IN NEW YORK

DEAR MISSING: Not knowing your father, it's hard to guess his reason for distancing himself from you and his grandchild. It does appear that he is punishing you for something. Could he have been hurt or angry that you chose to live with your mother rather than stay with him and your stepmother?

Because it has been four years, you may have to accept that this estrangement will be permanent and find a way to cope with the loss. If you have a religious adviser, start there.

Family & Parenting
life

Roommates Clash Over Different Tastes in Entertainment

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 23rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My roommate loves watching documentaries about serial killers, psychopaths and other criminals. I don't like them. To me it feels like a glorification of a person who did evil.

On the flip side, I watch tons of spy movies, superhero movies and action films that depict violence. But the distinction lies in that what I watch is fiction. Usually the good guys win, and if they don't, it's temporary.

My roommate gets really mad when I watch or even talk about the movies I watch, but becomes really defensive when I compare them to what she watches. My roommate is very fragile emotionally and cries, withdraws and shuts down when I do this. The last time, she insinuated I was less of a person for liking these things. Ultimately, I felt sorry for bringing it up, and she still refuses to acknowledge that we are allowed to like different things without being bad people.

I need to know how to bring up that how she responds to the things I like hurts me, and communicate that I have nothing against what she watches, even if it's not my taste. How can I communicate my feelings without feeling like I'm being insensitive for asking her to stop berating me? -- JUST A MOVIE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR JUST A MOVIE: The most diplomatic solution would be for the two of you to agree that certain subjects of conversation should be avoided -- this being one of them. And if you can't agree to respect each other's viewing habits without being judgmental, you should find other roommates as soon as your lease is up.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Pregnant Bride-To-Be Imposes a Nonalcoholic Party Policy

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My friend "Nan" is planning her wedding and asked if I, along with our friends, would be bridesmaids. Fast-forward a few months: The bride-to-be is now pregnant. We're having our first get-together as a bridal party, and she wants us to serve only nonalcoholic "mocktails" for our girls' night in. I asked the maid of honor if we could have the option of alcohol, and she said no because that's what the bride wants.

Is it rude to drink in front of a pregnant bride? Obviously, I will honor Nan's wishes, but I'd like a second opinion. Should this no-alcohol policy be in effect for all pre-wedding events (shower, bachelorette party, etc.)? I feel we're all adults and should be able to make our own choices. It's not as if we're going to get wasted at these things. Your thoughts, please? -- PERPLEXED BRIDESMAID

DEAR BRIDESMAID: In most cases, it is not considered rude to consume alcohol in front of someone who is abstaining, although many people choose to refrain, too. In this case, the bride would not have specified that she wanted no alcohol served if she was comfortable with her bridal party drinking when she couldn't join in. Her wishes should take precedence.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Rich People Are Target of Husband's Increasing Anger

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband is disabled and hasn't worked in nearly 20 years. I have been the sole support of our family all this time.

My issue is, my husband seems to have serious problems with people he perceives as rich. The fact that some people have more money than we do rankles him no end. It has reached the point where the kids and I are really disturbed by his vitriol. In his eyes, no rich person can be a good person, and most of them don't deserve what they have. What can I do? -- WEARY OF LISTENING IN MAINE

DEAR WEARY: Your husband may be venting his frustration at his inability to work and provide for the family, and misdirecting his anger toward people he perceives as rich. Has he always been this way, or is this recent? If it's recent, his physician may want to see and evaluate him. If it's not, then it may be time to point out that money, while it can make the gears of life mesh more smoothly, is no guarantee of happiness, and nobody -- regardless of income -- has everything. Then tell him to stop.

Marriage & DivorceHealth & SafetyWork & SchoolMoney
life

Party Hosts Are Irritated by Wife's Habit of Showing Up Early

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 22nd, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife has a terrible habit of always being early -- whether it's for a party, football game, picnic, reunion, etc. It has reached a point where friends and family no longer tell her the correct time they want us to arrive because they don't want her there early. Her family started it, and friends are following suit. Now she's upset because when she arrives she isn't the first, but everybody else is happy because she's arriving when she is supposed to.

Abby, most hosts don't want guests showing up early because they're still preparing, and early arrivals get in the way. Please advise my wife to respect that! -- EARLY BIRD GETS THE SCORN

DEAR BIRD: If, having been given the wrong time to arrive by multiple hosts, it hasn't dawned on your wife that what she's doing hasn't been appreciated, she isn't going to heed anything that I could write. Polite people show up on time. If they arrive at the location early, they do what they need to do to "waste" time until the appointed hour. In her zeal to make an entrance, she is being rude and intrusive, and if she shows up early, the host should put her to work.

Etiquette & EthicsHolidays & Celebrations
life

Boy's Disrespect for Dad Is Hard for Girlfriend To Take

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 21st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am in a loving relationship with a kind and caring man, "Byron." He has a preteen son, "Eli," from a previous relationship. Eli stays with us several days a week, and I watch him while Byron goes to work. Byron and I would like to spend the rest of our lives together, but I'm uncertain if I can truly be a stepmother to his son.

Eli often yells at and hits his dad. He calls his dad stupid, among other things. He asks for expensive items during every visit, often refuses to bathe and won't eat anything other than fast food or pizza. If Byron has to say no to Eli because he doesn't have the money for something, Eli throws a temper tantrum worse than a 2-year-old.

I know the kid is capable of better behavior because he doesn't behave this way with his mother or grandmother. Byron doesn't discipline his son at all, which allows his rude and disrespectful behavior to continue. I worry about the boy's future. How will he hold a job if he acts this way toward a boss?

I like Eli very much. When he's in a good mood, he's the kindest child I can think of. But when his mood turns, it's like the dark side takes over. I love Byron. I would like to marry him. But I don't know if I can handle watching Eli be so disrespectful to his father. Sometimes it makes me feel like ending things. Please advise me on what to do. -- HESITANT "STEPMOM"

DEAR "STEPMOM": I hope you realize that Eli behaves the way he does because his father allows it. Byron may do this because he feels guilty about the divorce and is afraid his son will "hate" him if he asserts himself. Your gentleman friend really needs to take some parenting classes because his failure to act isn't good for Eli. Please suggest it.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting
life

Frequent Traveler Can't Tune Out Other People's Music and Videos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 21st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm surprised by how many people choose not to use headphones while talking on the phone, listening to music or watching videos in public places. Instead, they use the speaker option or their Bluetooth speakers for all to hear.

I travel frequently. It's bad enough to suffer through one side of the conversation, but hearing both is worse (and these folks talk at top volume and make no attempt to step out of earshot). Lately, I have also noticed people watching videos in restaurants.

At my apartment's pool, several neighbors do the same thing. Sometimes the music includes offensive language, which I find inappropriate at a family pool. I'm tempted to start competing with them with random videos and music, but I know that's wrong. Is there a reasonable way to handle these folks? -- BLASTED OUT IN ARIZONA

DEAR BLASTED: If you are in a restaurant, ask the manager to move you to a quieter table. If you are bothered at your apartment swimming pool, take your complaint to the manager of the complex so a sign can be posted asking tenants to keep the volume low on their devices or wear headphones. It's worth a try. Do not make the mistake of confronting them yourself.

P.S. Consider putting on headphones and listening to something of your choosing. It will drown out what you don't want to hear.

Etiquette & Ethics

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