life

Readers Diagnose Mother's Loss of Interest in Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 18th, 2019

DEAR ABBY: "Jumbled in Ohio" (Aug. 10) indicated that her lack of interest in her husband started about a year after the birth of her second child. You recommended counseling, which is needed, but you should also have recommended she talk to a medical doctor, especially one who specializes in hormone imbalance. I've been there! Luckily, with the help of both doctors (counseling and medical), I was able to regain my interest in sex and once again enjoy my husband's attention.

Don't pass up on a good partner. The grass is not greener on the other side. My husband and I will celebrate our 50th anniversary in 2020. I thank God every day for the help I received. -- GRATEFUL IN THE SOUTH

DEAR GRATEFUL: Thank you for your comments, which were echoed by other readers who recommended "Jumbled" see her OB-GYN and look into whether the birth control pills could also be a factor for the change in her feelings. (Readers wondered if she had been on the pill, went off it to have her two children and then went back on it.) Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Jumbled" should see her gynecologist. Her hormones may be out of whack. It happened to me. My doctor gave me a low-dose testosterone prescription, which made all the difference in the world. -- YVONNE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: As someone who has been married almost 50 years, I can honestly say I have fallen in -- and out of -- love with my husband many times. Each individual is responsible for his/her own happiness. You can't rely on someone else to make you happy. Together we have faced many adversities. It hasn't always been easy, but the effort has been worth it. We have raised two wonderful daughters, both of whom have families and careers. -- PATRICIA IN INDIANA

DEAR ABBY: I liked that you highlighted the importance of considering the onset of "Jumbled's" feelings about her marriage -- the all-important "Why now?" question. Perhaps the young mother, with her 3- and 5-year-old children, is chronically fatigued or even depressed because of the incessant demands of caring for them. Even mild depression can skew one's outlook on everything, including one's marriage. -- DENISE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR ABBY: I was 25 with an 18-month-old son. My husband was also a good man, husband and father, but I felt I no longer loved him as I should. I told him I wanted a divorce, and he asked me to go to a marriage counselor with him. She directed me to a psychiatrist who in turn sent me to my medical doctor with a request to check my thyroid function. Diagnosis: overactive thyroid. Treatment: partial thyroidectomy. Result: an amazing change in my thinking/feelings and another 43 years of a very good, loving marriage. -- WISE IN WISCONSIN

Marriage & DivorceSex & GenderHealth & SafetyMental Health
life

Divorced Mother Gets Cold Shoulder at Family Events

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 67-year-old divorced mother of five and grandmother of eight. My marriage to the father of my first four children ended 30 years ago because he was physically and emotionally abusive. After the divorce, I managed to put myself through college, and I am now a retired teacher. I also remarried, which resulted in having one more child, a beautiful daughter who is now 27. My second husband is now deceased.

My first husband remarried soon after our divorce, and I always supported our grown children having a close relationship with him. What hurts me deeply, though, is that whenever there is a family event that includes all of us, my children from my first marriage act like my youngest daughter and I don't exist.

At the last family gathering, at my oldest daughter's home, I was treated like a stranger. I felt like crying as my older children sat, ate and talked with my ex-husband and his wife. Abby, I have always been there for my kids, through sickness and financial hardships. My ex has a great deal more money to spend on them than I do. I suspect this may be the reason they cater to him. How do I cope with my feelings of rejection and being snubbed by them? -- HURT MOM IN THE WEST

DEAR HURT MOM: You aren't going to change the "family" dynamic at this late stage. Rather than sit silently, struggling to hold back the tears as your older children slather their father with attention, consider socializing with them separately as often as possible.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & ParentingMoneyHolidays & Celebrations
life

Yoga Class Serenity Is Ruined by One Student's Dramatics

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been attending yoga class for several years and find it to be very beneficial mentally and physically. Recently, I started taking classes at a new studio with lovely teachers and -- mostly -- great students.

One individual, though, seems to think the class is his own social event. He over-chants "ohm" and moans loudly throughout the class. Would it be rude to say something to him, or should I just find another studio? It's gotten to the point where the entire purpose of relaxing and clearing my mind is impossible. -- MENTALLY DRAINED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR DRAINED: Do not address the over-chanter directly. Instead, discuss your concerns with the teacher because you may not be the only participant who finds the person's vocalizations to be a distraction. Or, consider attending another class that is held at a different hour if there is one.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety
life

Friend Invites Woman's Ex to Party Over Her Objection

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 17th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My best friend is having a party and has invited my ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me a few months ago and already has a new girlfriend. He totally broke my heart, and I have been a mess ever since. She thinks it was OK to invite him, and she knows he will most likely bring his new girlfriend to her house for the party. I told her I'm not going if he goes, and she's still inviting him! Should I stop being friends with her? How should I handle this? -- NOT OK IN THE NORTH

DEAR NOT OK: Because seeing your ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend would be too painful for you, handle it by not attending the party. As to whether you should stop being best friends with the hostess, it appears that she may have stopped being best friends with you.

Friends & NeighborsLove & DatingHolidays & Celebrations
life

Cross-Dressing Best Friend Wants to Go out as a Couple

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My best friend and I are both male and 25. We've been friends since third grade. We were apart for four years of college and two years after because we were employed in different states. He has now been transferred and lives and works a few miles from where I do. We see each other frequently and often double date.

He recently shared a secret after pledging me to secrecy. He's a cross-dresser. He says he's not gay, and I believe him. He has pictures he had taken professionally in which he is completely feminine and even beautiful. He says he has been dressing up since the age of 12.

Abby, he wants to go out in public with me as a couple. Even though he is small and would easily pass, I'm just not into it. And what explanation would I give to my girlfriend? He says if I won't, I'm not a true friend; I say he isn't. Is there any way to resolve this? -- TESTED IN TAMPA

DEAR TESTED: There is a way, provided your friend is open to it. How about you and he and your girlfriend going out together? Of course, your girlfriend would have to know the truth, and your friend would have to be OK with her knowing. This way if you were seen with "another woman," it wouldn't cause conflict with the woman you're dating. That said, you should not do anything you are uncomfortable with, so think carefully before deciding.

Friends & NeighborsSex & GenderLove & Dating
life

Couple's Love Isn't Enough to Overcome Dad's Disapproval

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | October 16th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am in a relationship with a woman 25 years my junior. We talked at length about some of the issues we might encounter before we embarked on a relationship. We love each other completely. Her father, however, strongly disapproves based solely on our age difference. He has stated that he had no issues with me personally.

She recently told me that she isn't happy and she wants us to spend some time apart. Neither of her two marriages worked out. She says I'm not the issue.

She wants to be with me, but her father would shun her -- and me -- if we were ever to be in the same room. He has actually said he'd walk out if I were present. She told me he was this way with her first marriage, which he did not approve of.

What do I do? I love her, but I can't get her to see how much I love and care for her and her two boys. How much space should I give her to figure herself out? -- TORN UP IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TORN UP: The woman you love may be twice divorced, but she isn't free. She is firmly under her father's thumb. The age difference is the least of your worries.

Regardless of your feelings for her, because she says she is no longer happy with you, it's time to make a U-turn. And when you do, suggest that if she wants to have a future with anyone, it will happen sooner if she starts talking with a licensed therapist about her relationship with dear old Dad. She will never have a life of her own while he's running it.

Love & DatingFamily & Parenting

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