DEAR ABBY: I was happily married with three daughters until I found out I had fathered a son two years before I married my wife. The news was a shock to us all. That information was kept from me for 13 years, and my wife is having a hard time dealing with the situation. We were dating at the time it happened.

I have been trying to do the right thing and involve my son in my life. My wife was all for it, but every now and then something triggers her emotions and she goes off. She throws the word "divorce" at me when she's upset. I don't want to have to go through this every couple of months. I love my wife and my family dearly and want to reiterate this did not happen during our marriage. My son is 13, and this is not his fault. The mother said she didn't tell me at the time because she was afraid, since I was involved with someone else. Later on, when he started asking questions, she told him she had no idea how to get in touch with me.

No one knows what is going on right now except my wife. I haven't even told my daughters or the rest of my family (siblings, mother, etc.) yet. Any advice would be a blessing. We are a Christian family. -- COPING IN THE EAST

DEAR COPING: Instead of keeping this a deep, dark, shameful secret, you and your wife should now sit down with your family (parents, siblings, etc.) and tell them what you have learned. When you do, make clear that you intend to treat the boy as a full-fledged family member and expect them to follow suit. Your daughters should be told beforehand about the existence of their half-brother. Your wife should try to make every effort to welcome the boy into the fold during visitation. If she is having trouble handling her emotions, a licensed marriage and family therapist rather than a divorce lawyer may be able to help her.

DEAR ABBY: I have always been nice and respectful to my in�-laws. I see them on every holiday and birthday and in between, and buy them nice gifts. For some reason, they treat my husband's brother's family very differently than ours. They give them extravagant gifts that cost hundreds of dollars and hand them extra gift cards in front of us. They also treat our children and their cousins differently. As my children get older, I know they will notice.

My husband is very independent. He acts like it doesn't bother him, but I know in his heart it does. We both have respected professions, keep an immaculate home and try our best to be great parents and family members. How do I accept this inequity and not let it bother me? I know I can't change them. -- RANKED LOWER IN FLORIDA

DEAR RANKED LOWER: You and your husband are successful people. You do not have to accept the treatment your family has received from your in-laws. You are absolutely correct that your children will begin to notice the disparity in the way they are treated by their grandparents. Continue to be kind and respectful, but see them far less often, and never on occasions when gifts are exchanged.

DEAR ABBY: A new co-worker started a few weeks ago. (FYI, I'm a gay man.) We share similar interests and have a lot in common. As I am getting to know him, I have become increasingly attracted to him and his personality. My joking around with him is borderline flirtatious. He hasn't said anything about it or shown signs of being uncomfortable, and he jokes back.

Should I tell him how I feel, risking our professional relationship and things becoming awkward if he doesn't feel the same way? Or should I back off for a while? I don't know what to do. I honestly feel like we have a connection, but I have been out of the dating scene for a long while and therefore am ... -- CLUELESS IN MINNESOTA

DEAR CLUELESS: This person has been working with you for a very short time, which is why I'm urging you to put the brakes on. Let the relationship develop for a few months. Your co-worker may already be involved with someone or may not be gay. If he is spoken for, do not risk your job by making any moves. However, if he isn't, then it wouldn't be out of line to ask him to join you for coffee, lunch -- something innocuous -- as friends only, and then see where it leads. I view workplace romances as potentially dangerous, because if they don't work out, they can cause discomfort in the workplace. And some companies have rules against "fraternization."

DEAR ABBY: My significant other and I recently bought an old farmhouse. We have been together for five years and have a great relationship. He has his quirks, just as I have mine, but one in particular has surfaced since buying the house. He stomps going up and down the three flights of stairs. It's annoying and rude. If I head to bed early, it wakes me up. He claims he can't help it. What can I do? The steps are wood and have thin carpeting on them. Am I being a nagging partner? -- SICK OF STOMPING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR S.O.S.: You're not being a nagging partner. It appears you need thicker carpeting on the stairs. For the sake of your relationship, buy it SOON.

DEAR ABBY: The other day I had to leave my house in the morning because my son's school called. He wasn't feeling well and wanted to come home. I just threw on what I had worn the day before as I headed out the door. On the way out to my car, my neighbor yelled out, "Isn't that the same outfit you wore yesterday?" I didn't answer because I thought it was none of her business. Should I have explained the situation? -- IN A HURRY IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR IN A HURRY: You were not obligated to explain anything to your neighbor -- who may have just been trying to be friendly, or may be overly interested in your attire. Unless her intrusiveness escalates, let it go!

P.S.: I hope your son is OK.

DEAR ABBY: We have a small house, and family and friends are always welcome. We also have six cats, and their care and comfort are paramount. We keep our cats separated so they don't fight, so two cats occupy what used to be our guest room. We have explained this to overnight guests, several of whom are allergic to cats or don't like them, and they insist "everything will be fine." They then refuse to let the cats into the room during the day, while our distressed feline family members howl and claw the door.

There are simple things that must be done when living with cats, like making sure they don't run outside (they are all indoor cats), keeping toilet lids down and breakable things out of their reach. Our guests don't seem to care and they don't comply. Frankly, I wouldn't care if the cats took their jewelry, but I would care if one of them choked on it.

Why is this so hard to understand? Our cats need care and consideration; they are not disposable furry houseplants. To be fair, we visit with these petless folks, so we can't ask them not to stay with us. I've even tried putting Post-it notes around the house, reminding guests to keep doors and toilet lids closed, etc. They reacted like they thought I was rude! How do we handle this politely so there are no hurt feelings? -- NEW ENGLAND CAT LOVER

DEAR CAT LOVER: It's time to end the tradition of staying in each other's homes. There will be fewer hurt feelings all the way around -- your pets included -- if, when you visit these folks you stay someplace other than in their home and suggest to them that they do likewise. This doesn't mean you won't see and entertain them -- it only means they won't be subject to your house rules, which clearly are not acceptable to them.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been having the roughest year of our marriage, and we are divorcing. He has started a new relationship with a woman who is 14 years younger than he is, and he takes our 5-year-old to her house. I feel it is inappropriate because who knows if this relationship will last?

My husband and I are still living together. He's in the basement; I'm upstairs. I don't think it's wise for him to take our child on picnics and play dates at her house. I have tried to have a conversation about boundaries and doing what's best for our daughter, and I don't know what his next move will be. Living with the young lady? What should I do next? -- MOVING ON

DEAR MOVING ON: There is a commonsense rule that parents who are divorcing should not introduce a child to the new partner until it's clear the relationship will be long-lasting. At this point, you can't control to whom your husband introduces your little girl. This is a conversation you should be having with the attorney who is arranging your divorce. If something presents a danger to your child, the lawyer may be able to help you put a stop to it.