life

Friend's New Wife Overshares About Couple's Married Life

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband's best friend remarried a couple of years ago, and the new wife, "Jane," is a handful. When we get together, she's as free-spirited and open as you can get, sexually. She hangs on her husband like a magnet, grabbing at him provocatively and letting everyone know anything and everything about her sexual attraction and their sex life.

At first it was funny, since they were newlyweds and all, but it isn't funny any longer. Frankly, it's nauseating. I would like to get together more often, minus the X-rated show. I'm concerned that if I say something (and everyone knows I don't usually bite my tongue), it will cause a major rift between all of us. I don't want to keep my husband from his best friend. Any advice? -- MATURE ONE IN INDIANA

DEAR MATURE ONE: When Jane's behavior presents itself, ask her to tone it down because it makes you uncomfortable. If that doesn't work, the only guaranteed way for Jane's antics to not bother you will be for you to encourage your husband to socialize separately with his best friend so you see Jane as little as possible.

Sex & GenderFriends & Neighbors
life

Gay Man Doubts Neighbor's Effort to Be Friendly

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a gay man. A few weeks ago, a neighbor I became close to confided to me that her husband is homophobic. When she said he wasn't comfortable around me, I agreed with her that it was best to give them both space and discontinue our friendship. Then her husband approached me and apologized. He told me he is not homophobic, and he wants to be friends, so I decided to forgive.

Lately, he has been trying to include me in his friend group within the neighborhood. I appreciate it, but part of me in all honesty is a bit afraid. Not knowing what he may have mentioned to his friends and how they may treat me has me worried. Should I try and be friends with them and try to repair the friendship? Or should I let it go? -- OUT AND PROUD IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OUT AND PROUD: I'd hate to see you isolate yourself. Integrating the neighborhood would be beneficial to all. Give it a try, gauge the way these individuals treat you and make your final decision then.

Sex & GenderFriends & Neighbors
life

Smell of Cat Urine Drives Co-Worker out of Shared Office

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 26th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work with a wonderful older woman. She is smart, funny, and comes to work with a positive attitude. Unfortunately, she smells of cat urine. It's really bad -- to the point I have moved out of our shared office, and there are plans to move her into her own office. However, that may be months off. She still has office mates, and she's in kind of a "hub."

She lives alone with two dogs and an unknown (to me) number of cats. Her children are grown but don't live nearby. How can I kindly address this with her? I don't want to hurt her feelings, but something has got to give. I have let management know, but they are reluctant to address this. -- NOSE KNOWS IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOSE: It is not your job to address this problem with your co-worker. It is management's responsibility. Because you have complained and nothing was done, it's time for the others who are affected by the odor to address management about it collectively.

Work & School
life

Transgender Woman Strives to Preserve Marriage to Wife

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 25th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a transgender female who is working on my marriage to my wife of 41 years. I started my transition in 2011.

We have had our ups and downs during the course of our marriage. We have two sons and eight beautiful grandchildren. All of them know about my transition to womanhood, and my family also knows. What I need now is some advice to help our marriage. We are strongly committed to working on it. -- REAL ME IN OHIO

DEAR REAL YOU: Many couples choose to stay together and keep their marriage intact when one partner transitions. You and your wife can find help -- and support -- at the nearest LGBT center that offers couples counseling. If there isn't one in your community, check the nearest large city to where you live.

You and your wife should also reach out to the Straight Spouse Network, which has been mentioned in my column before. This group was started in 1986 by Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., and its mission is to build bridges of understanding for couples of mixed sexual orientation or gender variance. The contact information is straightspouse.org.

Sex & GenderMarriage & Divorce
life

Nosy Co-Workers Press for Details About Estrangement

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 25th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have two adult children who are divorced and both live out of state. My son has no children, and my daughter has two who are now adults. I'm close to my son but have been estranged from my daughter and grandchildren for almost 20 years. (There is no possibility of a reconciliation.)

I have not explained the details about this situation to anyone. My close friends know I have no contact with them and, thankfully, to their credit, they haven't asked. My co-workers, however, want to know about my family. I have tried giving them generic information, such as "they live out of state," but a few keep asking for more details, such as when are they coming to visit, what do they do, etc. Some are being friendly, but a couple of them are busybodies. What can I say to deter them and their questions without being rude? -- COMPLICATED IN VIRGINIA

DEAR COMPLICATED: This situation is more common than many people realize, and the best way to stop nosy people from repeatedly asking questions would simply be to say, "We are estranged." Period. If someone is so insensitive as to question you about why, you are free to say you prefer not to discuss it -- now or ever.

Work & SchoolFriends & NeighborsFamily & Parenting
life

Married Man's Texts to Young Women Raise Questions

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 25th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: What would you say about a married man who cultivates online friendships with young women? He is in contact with one of them every hour, calling or texting. Mostly it is innocent, but there are very warm texts that include "kisses" icons ("just pictures, nothing more!").

He does not hide this from his wife. He tells her he is enjoying very much the communication with a young, beautiful woman. He says it is just a game for him, he has no feelings for them, he loves his wife and only her (and she feels it strongly). Do you think this kind of communication is acceptable? -- TRIVIAL FLIRT IN RUSSIA

DEAR TRIVIAL FLIRT: I don't think so. The husband may not be cheating on his wife in the classic sense, but calling and texting is not only disrespectful to the wife he says he loves, but also to the young women who may not understand that it's "just a game."

Marriage & Divorce
life

Sister Is Left Out of the Loop When Family Visits Her Town

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 24th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I live in Atlanta, and my family lives four hours south. My brother travels here often to visit his girlfriend and their son. I never know he's in town unless another family member mentions it or he posts a photo of himself at a local landmark.

My parents and brother came here to attend my nephew's school band concert. No one mentioned that they were coming or contacted me during their visit. I learned about it after speaking with my grandmother the following day. Since then, I have spoken to my parents once briefly, and they still haven't mentioned it. Apparently, judging from the group text I just received, my brother is back in town again today for another event.

I don't want to make this about me, but I feel left out. Do I have the right to have hurt feelings? -- FORGOTTEN SISTER IN GEORGIA

DEAR SISTER: You have the right to feel however you feel. But I have to wonder how close you and your brother really are, and whether you get along with the girlfriend. I suspect this may be why you are not included during these visits. Your parents may not have told you they were in town because they were asked not to or didn't want to hurt your feelings. I think it's time for a family discussion, don't you?

Family & Parenting
life

Surprise Proposal Fails to Spark Excitement

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 24th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've always been very independent and haven't had many serious relationships in my 34 years of life. For the last two years, I have been in a healthy relationship with a man who is kind, smart and makes me feel like I can be myself.

On our first anniversary, although we had never talked about marriage, he surprised me with a proposal. I didn't feel the excitement and joy that I had always pictured myself feeling when this moment finally happened to me. We haven't set a wedding date, nor am I thrilled about getting married.

I love this person and appreciate him, but I feel like I should be over-the-moon about spending forever with him. Do these blase feelings mean this isn't the right person for me, or that I'm simply not ready for the next step? -- BEWILDERED MOUNTAIN GIRL

DEAR GIRL: Real life isn't like it is portrayed in the movies and on television. There is no cookie-cutter reaction to receiving a proposal. Many women would be thrilled to receive a proposal of marriage from a man who is kind, smart and with whom they can be themselves. (I am not implying that this should be you.)

My recommendation is that you two have a long engagement as well as premarital counseling, so you can both determine what's important to you and if you are on the same page. Frankly, these discussions should have started well before a proposal.

Love & DatingMarriage & Divorce
life

New Haircut Gets Halfhearted Response From Husband

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 24th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for five years and together with my husband for 15. I love him, and I try to look attractive for him.

I recently got a shorter haircut that I thought looks nice. When my husband saw it, his reaction was, "It doesn't look bad," and, "If you like it, that's all that matters." I can't help but feel slighted and a little hurt. Am I being too sensitive? -- HURT IN WASHINGTON

DEAR HURT: Maybe. Your husband is entitled to his reaction, and he was honest with you. Would you have preferred that he lie? If you like the new hairstyle, keep it. If you are having second thoughts, remember it's not an arm or a leg; it's only hair, and it will grow.

Marriage & Divorce

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