life

Daughter Doesn't Share Mom's Devotion to Family Heirlooms

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My mother, who is in her late 60s, is obsessed with family history and preserving attachments to relatives. In addition to being the family genealogist, she collects objects that belonged to relatives or people who "might" have been relatives, those who share our last name or lived in the same small town as our ancestors.

Her house is stuffed to the gills with furniture, books, legal documents, photos and the like. Each object has a story that goes with it. Every time I visit, she spends literally hours talking about the various histories of her things and tries to get me to recite what I was supposed to have learned during my previous visits.

The thing is, I really don't care about any of it. Some of the antiques are nice, and photos of my grandparents are fun to look at, but the rest of it, I have no interest in.

As she's getting older, my mother is becoming increasingly agitated about what will happen to her collection when she dies. For a while she was trying to give me some of the things. When she found out I gave away a vase she had given me, she just about flipped. Now she is trying to get me to agree to preserve her whole house the way it is and pass it down to my future children intact. Of course, I can't promise that.

Should I pretend to agree with her plan so her anxiety level goes down? This disagreement has now overshadowed our relationship. I've tried to get her to see someone about her collecting habit and her anxiety, but she flat-out refused. -- NOT INTERESTED IN UTAH

DEAR NOT INTERESTED: You say your mother is the family genealogist, which implies there are more family members than just you. Young people today are far less interested in family heirlooms than in previous generations, and it wouldn't be surprising if your future children are no different. Suggest to your mother that she discuss with other relatives the option of giving them her collection to share with their children. But do not make any promises that you do not intend to keep.

Family & ParentingMental Health
life

Dedicated Student Has Never Had a Boyfriend

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 7th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 22-year-old female college graduate who plans to further my education. I have never had a boyfriend or been kissed, although I've had casual crushes. I'm not interested in having a relationship in the near future, and I'm not certain I ever want to be in one. I have no idea how I would start one if I did.

Sometimes I wonder if I were more physically attractive if it would be easier. I feel lonely, but at the same time, I'm happy being alone. Sometimes I'm not even sure about my sexual orientation. Is it normal not to know what one wants at my age? -- DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT

DEAR DON'T KNOW: Many people older than you have trouble figuring out what they want. You appear to be what is called a late bloomer. Because you are not interested in having a relationship, you should concentrate on your education for now. After you are enrolled, pay a visit to the student health center and inquire about counseling services. If you do, it will not only provide you with some insight but also give you a chance to get to know yourself better.

Love & DatingSex & GenderWork & School
life

Husband Won't Defend Wife From Shunning by His Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old woman, married to the love of my life for seven years. Three years ago, my husband's cousin and her mother told him they didn't like me and didn't want me around. I only found out about it two years ago.

I feel humiliated, and it's uncomfortable for me to be around any of them now. I don't get invited most of the time, and that's OK with my husband! I want him to address and resolve it, but he hasn't and won't. In addition, we have had some major marital issues.

I want him to stand up for me, for us and for our marriage. I haven't done anything wrong, but I feel like I'm being punished because he won't take a stand. He and his family have swept the whole thing under the rug for so long that neither of us knows what to do next. Please kindly advise. -- CAST ASIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR CAST ASIDE: You say you and your husband have had major marital issues. Did the two of you receive counseling to resolve them, or were they, too, swept under the rug? I think some sessions with a licensed marriage and family counselor might be helpful.

I am not saying your husband should fight your battles for you, but ignoring this problem is not helping your marriage. He has to find the courage to tell these relatives that if they have a problem with you, they should address it with you. If he doesn't, you should approach them directly.

He should have told his aunt and his cousin the two of you are a team three years ago. If he doesn't have enough starch in his spine to do that, it will eventually destroy your marriage.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Man Is Hurt by Puppy's Rejection

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Marcus," and I recently adopted an adorable rescue puppy, "Daisy." She was supposed to be mostly my boyfriend's dog because I work a demanding full-time job, and I have a cat that lives with us. Marcus has always been a dog person, but I enjoy them, too.

The problem is, Daisy has taken a liking to me. When I'm home, she follows me everywhere. I suspect, due to her behavior, that she may have been mistreated by men previously, but nonetheless, Marcus is extremely hurt. He won't take her outside if I'm home, and he doesn't try to play with her or train her. Every time she rejects him in any way, he takes it personally.

We signed Daisy up for a puppy training class. He participated for about five minutes before giving up and handing me the leash during the first lesson. How do I get my boyfriend to stop taking our puppy's behavior so personally? I should note, we went through this when my cat didn't like him at first, but they are on good terms now. -- PET PROBLEM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR PROBLEM: It has been my experience that dogs respond more positively to the person who regularly feeds, exercises and plays with them and shows them affection, than to a partner who remains passive. The more Marcus withdraws from Daisy, the more pronounced her attachment to you will become. Urge him to discuss this with the dog trainer, so perhaps the situation can be put right.

Caveat: If this is the way your boyfriend reacts to perceived rejection, I'd think twice about starting a family with him if I were you.

Love & Dating
life

Dear Abby for September 06, 2019

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 6th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: "My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60 years old. She's 97 now, and we don't know where the hell she is." -- Ellen DeGeneres

life

New Job Triggers Memories of Violent Sexual Assault

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 5th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, I was working as a certified nursing assistant in a nursing home. One day, I decided to stay beyond my usual evening shift into the night shift, as I had a few times before. While working the night shift, I was violently sexually assaulted by a fellow CNA. The incident caused me to be so traumatized that I quit that job within the next few days.

Although I reported the co-worker to my boss, they did next to nothing about it. I also reported him to the police, but as far as I know, nothing has been done. I moved on to doing in-home care and then to an assisted living facility.

I have recently taken a higher-paying CNA position in another nursing home. This nursing home has so many similarities to the former one that I find myself having anxiety attacks, flashbacks and the feeling of constantly having to watch my back. I'm extremely uncomfortable here and constantly feel afraid to go to work. My husband has a hard time understanding the effects of such a traumatizing event, so I have a difficult time getting sympathy from him.

I really want to quit this job. I'm under so much mental and emotional stress that I feel like it's ruining me. At the same time, we need the money, and I wonder if I should just push through and stick with it. If I quit, I'm afraid my husband won't fully understand why I couldn't just stay at the job, and it may cause conflict as well as financial stress. Should I quit and find a place that's less of a trigger or stick it out? -- WORN DOWN IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WORN DOWN: You should have received counseling after your assault to help you get past these triggers, which even if you quit this job may continue to occur in other environments. Before making this decision, please consult a licensed therapist who specializes in treating patients who suffer from PTSD.

Although my impulse is to advise you to quit "stat," because of your husband's inability to understand what you have gone through, a mental health professional may be able to help him understand why you may need to work in in-home care or an assisted living facility rather than for this employer.

Work & SchoolHealth & SafetyMarriage & DivorceMental Health
life

Longtime Friend Is Ghosted Twice

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 5th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: After 47 years of friendship, my friend ghosted me. This had never happened before, so I was left feeling very confused and sad. A year later, I accidentally dialed her number, and she answered. We talked as if no time had passed.

She told me I had hurt her feelings. It wasn't intentional, and I apologized. Some time later, she told me she'd call me back, but she didn't. I clearly recall our last conversation, and I didn't say anything that would've hurt her.

It has been two years, and I haven't attempted to contact her since. Should I reach out to her again or consider this friendship over? -- HURTING, TOO, IN DALLAS

DEAR HURTING: This friendship has run its course, for whatever reason. However, abrupt changes in personality and behavior can be a symptom of serious illness in older people. In light of the fact that you have known this woman for nearly 50 years, and you still care about her, you might want to check with one of her relatives to be sure she's all right.

Friends & NeighborsHealth & Safety

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