DEAR ABBY: I spent the past 11 years in an emotionally and physically abusive on-again, off-again relationship. I finally got out and am very proud of myself for doing it.

I am now deeply in love with an amazing new man. He is everything I prayed for -- the whole deal. There is only one problem: He's married.

I knew he was married, but, Abby, the marriage was phony. The girl used him to become a legal U.S. citizen. She's now back in her home country, apparently "married" and has a family with someone else, but my boyfriend is still married to her.

I don't know the whole legalities, but he still isn't filing for divorce, even though he's constantly telling me he will. I have been with him for almost three years now, and I'm tired of wasting my time. I have never been married, and he married this woman less than a year after meeting her.

He keeps telling me how "full of myself" I am, and/or that I have nothing to worry about. But I'm not getting any younger, and this man is truly my ideal man. I have tried giving him ultimatums, but we get into arguments that last for hours, and we end up in circles all over again. Help! -- ANXIOUS IN ARIZONA

DEAR ANXIOUS: If the life you want includes marriage and children, by now you should realize your "ideal man" is not prepared to give you what you need. He's using the "phony" marriage -- if it even exists -- to avoid making a commitment to you, and talking circles around you (filibustering!) so he can maintain the status quo. I'm pretty sure you already know what you have to do, as painful as it may be in the short term. Do it now so you won't be writing me in another three years with the same problem.

DEAR ABBY: I'm having a strong disagreement with my sister regarding responsibility for finding child care.

My wife and I have to go away for a couple of days, and we need someone to watch one of our children for a Friday and Saturday night. I'm taking my older daughter to a travel tournament, and my wife had a previously planned trip out of town that same weekend. I asked my sister to stay with our other daughter and our dogs in our home because I thought it would be nice for them to spend some time together. She vehemently rebuffed me because "it's the mother's responsibility to find someone."

I have never heard of such a thing. I felt like I was transported back to the 1950s. To me, family is family. Why would it matter if my family came and watched my child as opposed to my wife's family? We are not talking right now because of this issue. I think it was rude and just plain archaic. -- BACK IN TIME

DEAR BACK IN TIME: Family is indeed family. Could your sister have been offended that your wife didn't call and ask for that favor? Or does she dislike your wife for some reason? She was not obligated to agree to baby-sit your child, but for the reason you stated, it would have been nice and an opportunity to bond with the girl. From now on, leave your sister out of the baby-sitting equation, unless she volunteers.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, I got back in touch with a childhood friend who married at 17 and moved away. She has lots of family drama, much of it caused by her alcoholism (which she says is a result of PTSD).

Recently, she told me I have hurt her and I'm a terrible friend because since we've reconnected, I have never once asked her about her past and the ordeals she's been through. Abby, she talks about herself constantly. I never thought it was necessary to ask her about the past because she never shuts up about it. I have tried to be a good listener, but I don't think she has made the best life choices, and I don't want to confront her with my opinions on how she has messed up her life.

I don't question people about their past, truthfully. I feel if they want to discuss it, they'll bring it up themselves. Was I wrong for not asking her to dredge it up? Now she won't even talk to me. -- FRIENDLESS IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRIENDLESS: Be grateful the woman no longer speaks to you. You have done nothing wrong. The person you describe needs to feel wronged and be the focus of your conversations, which to me seems self-centered. Consider yourself fortunate that this troubled individual has moved on, and concentrate on relationships that are healthy -- and mutual.

DEAR ABBY: My family is very close, and we see each other often. Lately I have been avoiding most of our family gatherings because of my brother-in-law "Jared."

At the most recent family occasion, he was staring, winking and flashing peace signs at me. This is not friendly banter; it is very creepy. My sister isn't aware of it, and I'm sure she wouldn't approve.

I have been married four times, and I'm currently single. If his behavior continues, which I'm sure it will since I am a very desirable woman, I will have to skip family events entirely. Any thoughts? -- HARD TO RESIST OUT WEST

DEAR HARD TO RESIST: Your letter is unique. I rarely hear from people with as "healthy" an ego as yours. Because you feel your brother-in-law is out of line, try this: Tell him to cut it out the next time he does it because it is making you uncomfortable. And if that doesn't do the trick, tell his wife.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a male who recently started dating a great guy, "Jake." I deal with the public in my job every day, and I'm often asked things like, "Do you have a girlfriend?" and, "When will you find a wife?" Even my co-workers are inquiring when I'll find a "lucky girl." I'm happy in my relationship and would like to express that. Is there a tactful, succinct, non-awkward way to let people know I'm in a happy relationship with another male? -- IN A HAPPY PLACE IN GEORGIA

DEAR HAPPY: Absolutely! When asked if you have a girlfriend, say, "No, I have a boyfriend." And when your co-workers ask when you are going to find a wife or a "lucky girl," be upfront and tell them you are dating a great guy named Jake. That should answer the questions and put the subject to rest.

DEAR ABBY: My sister and I recently found out (through the internet) that my mother and stepfather have filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. A few months ago, Mom approached my sister (who's an attorney) asking about the effects of bankruptcy "for a friend."

My sister and I are now struggling with this information because my mom and stepdad promote a direct sales business where they advertise their multiple cars and lavish lifestyle as a result of the business profits. Should we let them know that we know about the bankruptcy and, if so, how should we handle this situation? Thanks for your advice. -- STRUGGLING SISTERS

DEAR STRUGGLING: You and your sister the attorney should go to your mother and stepdad and tell them the cat's out of the bag. They may need help extricating themselves from the company they have been promoting. Many people have been caught up in shady direct sales schemes and wound up with garages filled with product they couldn't sell. Whether your mother and stepdad are victims or perpetrators remains to be seen.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have a joint membership at our local gym. Today the gym owner asked him if I was his mother. It upset me to the point of tears. I don't look any older than he does. We are not the same race. He is fit; I'm not, but we are both in our early 30s.

Why do people ask rude questions when a simple check of paperwork would satisfy their curiosity? I feel I should say something to her like, "Mind your own business." How do I get over this because I still would like to attend her gym? -- WORKING OUT IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WORKING OUT: That gym owner ain't no rocket scientist. She could have lost TWO clients by asking that ill-advised question. Because you would like to continue patronizing the establishment, refrain from telling her to mind her own business.

P.S. It's possible that she was hitting on your fella, so ask him what he hoped to accomplish by repeating something so hurtful.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have lived in our home for 25 years, raised our children here and imagined living on this beautiful cul-de-sac forever. A woman who moved close by a few years ago has turned out to be the neighborhood gossip, spreading hateful rumors and expressing opinions that sadden us, based, we believe, on her own failed marriage and personal unhappiness.

It would be nice to dismiss her comments and believe that our friends will ignore her, but it's still hurtful and embarrassing. I have read that gossiping is related to low self-esteem and an effort to elevate oneself above others. What is your advice? -- KEEPING IT POSITIVE

DEAR KEEPING: My advice is to live your lives as you always have, and see your friends as you always have. By doing this, you will demonstrate that whatever the new neighborhood gossip is saying is fiction.