life

Memories of the Good Times Haunt Woman After Divorce

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 28th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was married to my husband for 29 years. We were separated off and on more than 10 of those years. We were both in other relationships but would reconnect for months and sometimes years. Then, because our lifestyles are so different, we would split up again.

I divorced him two years ago, but we see each other off and on as friends. I haven't been in a relationship since our divorce because I still love him. He couldn't stop the street life, and I got tired of living on the edge with him.

He's now in church, off drugs. He has gained back some weight and looks like the man I first fell in love with. I tell him every time I see him that I still love him, but he doesn't believe me and acts like he hates me. We have a 27-year-old daughter he loves and sees.

I think of the good times we had together day and night. I can't sleep sometimes and feel so unhappy without him. Abby, what can I do to move on? -- LONELY AND LOST IN MARYLAND

DEAR LONELY AND LOST: You may love the person your ex-husband was in the beginning, but you divorced him for good reasons. Chief among them, he became someone else because of his addiction and his choices. He may blame you for divorcing him, but if you hadn't done it, he probably would not have straightened out. Sometimes love is not enough, particularly when it's a one-way street.

It is time to quit looking backward and concentrate on your future. See your ex as little as possible, and allow yourself to grieve the lost relationship for a specific period of time. When that time period is over, concentrate on meeting new people and cultivating new interests. If necessary, talking with a therapist may be helpful, and I hope you will consider it. There is life after this, but only if you will allow it.

AddictionMarriage & Divorce
life

Friend With Early Dementia Avoids Helping Around the House

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 28th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My best friend of 50 years was recently diagnosed with early stages of Alzheimer's. Because her memory was beginning to slip, my husband and I moved her in with us. She pays us rent and contributes to meals.

The problem is, she has told friends that because she pays rent she shouldn't have to help around the house. My husband and I both work. It would be nice if she would cook us dinner occasionally or do the dishes. I have asked, but she always has an excuse. I don't know how to tell her we are not a bed and breakfast. She has the ability to help. Advice? -- HELPER NEEDS HELP, TOO

DEAR HELPER: I hope you realize that as your friend's dementia progresses she will no longer be able to help around the house, and it could actually be dangerous for her to cook. It would be better for all concerned if her family would start looking at dementia care facilities for her, the earlier the better so she will have time to adjust. Some of them offer graduated levels of care to meet the patient's increasing needs. Please consider it.

Friends & NeighborsHealth & Safety
life

Transportation Is Not the Only Issue After Driving Is Restricted

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 27th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship for 10 years. We live together as husband and wife, but for personal reasons, we decided marriage is not for us. I have been married and divorced twice and have three children. One is 17, and the older two are grown. None of them have cars. We live in a rural area without public transportation.

I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and given a six-month driving restriction. Before my diagnosis, my boyfriend signed up to do a sport over the summer that takes him away four Sundays, our only day together. He does a different sport that takes him away for Labor Day. It upsets me that knowing I cannot get around and feel "trapped," he hasn't altered his plans in any way. He says I'm not as "trapped" as I feel, and I should use expensive ride-sharing services or rely solely on friends, which I feel is an imposition. I don't have many friends, especially ones who live close.

Because he isn't willing to modify his plans, I feel like I'm taking a back seat to his hobbies. Is this fair? What advice can you provide so I don't feel as angry and resentful as I currently do? I still have five months to go on this restriction, and that is only if I am seizure-free. -- STUCK IN ILLINOIS

DEAR STUCK: Is it out of the question that you could accompany him to one or more of these Sunday games?

It appears your guy is centered solely on himself. Couples are supposed to have each other's backs. Although you never stood at an altar and pledged "in sickness and in health," after 10 years together, one would think the promise is implied. Consider this a wake-up call. It indicates that should you have more serious health problems down the line, this is what you can expect from him in the future.

That said, your present condition should improve by the end of the summer. Focusing on that fact may lessen your resentment right now. But don't beat yourself up for having the feelings you do; right now, they are warranted.

If your children have driver's licenses, perhaps they could drive you around so you're not so isolated.

Marriage & DivorceHealth & Safety
life

Food Bandit Overreaches During Lunch

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 27th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- ABBY

Work & School
life

Memorial Day Inspires Nation's Thanks

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 27th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR READERS: Along with the millions of Americans who are observing this Memorial Day, I add my prayer of thanks for those courageous men and women who sacrificed their lives in service to our country. May they rest in peace. -- ABBY

Holidays & Celebrations
life

Woman in Love Longs to Hear Three Little Words From Beau

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a little more than two years. We are both divorced and have children. Mine are 20 and 15; his are 12 and 10. We are very close, all of our kids get along, all the exes get along, etc.

I love him. Despite thinking I'd never feel this way again, it has happened. He treats me SO well -- he is absolutely amazing to me. We go places, do things -- dinners, family events, etc. I have never felt so loved and valued.

My issue is, he has not said the words "I love you" yet. We have discussed it a few times, but he is terrified to say it because of his divorce. I don't want to pressure him, but how long should I wait for him to say it before moving on? As a side note, it took him forever to say it to his now ex-wife when they were dating. -- LOVING HIM

DEAR LOVING: Moving on? This man shows you by his actions the way he feels about you, and you admit that you have never felt so loved and valued. It takes no effort to say, "I love you." Many people have been known to say it without meaning it.

That said, after two years it would not be pushy to ask him what the future looks like from his perspective.

Love & DatingMarriage & Divorce
life

Ghosting by Longtime Friends Is a Mystery

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been "ghosted" on social media by two friends who were, at different times, also work partners. We formed close and supportive bonds over many years, and I considered each of them a friend I could trust.

Being ghosted without any explanation has been very painful. I made a few attempts with each of them to ask why and never received an answer. That, too, has been painful. I'm not a person who has had friendship ruptures in my life. I have always been one to work out differences and disagreements. So this has been surprising.

These were separate friendships; the ghostings happened at separate times. To my knowledge, they have no connection with one another. I can't think of anything I did to cause this. I understand the need to "edit" one's social media friends list from time to time, but ghosting a longtime friend and colleague with no explanation seems like rude, hurtful behavior that leaves no possible good resolution. What do you think? -- GHOSTED TWICE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR GHOSTED: Life isn't always a tidy affair. Sometimes, much as we would wish it, there are no answers. Rather than obsess about why these former work friends no longer communicate, it would be healthier for you to move on and not look back. You have asked them for answers. They weren't forthcoming. Now go!

Friends & NeighborsWork & School
life

Missing Birthday Check Gets Teens' Attention

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 26th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Here's a fun suggestion for grandmothers who are upset about teens not writing thank-you notes. If you want to hear from a teen, try this: Send a card and write inside, "Happy Birthday! Please buy something fun or something you need with the enclosed check. Love you, Grandma." Then forget to enclose the check. You will hear from that child, I promise. -- NEW ENGLAND NANA

DEAR NANA: You are a shrewd and witty lady. I'm sure my readers will love that suggestion. I know I did!

Family & ParentingHolidays & Celebrations

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