life

Woman in Love Longs to Hear Three Little Words From Beau

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 26th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for a little more than two years. We are both divorced and have children. Mine are 20 and 15; his are 12 and 10. We are very close, all of our kids get along, all the exes get along, etc.

I love him. Despite thinking I'd never feel this way again, it has happened. He treats me SO well -- he is absolutely amazing to me. We go places, do things -- dinners, family events, etc. I have never felt so loved and valued.

My issue is, he has not said the words "I love you" yet. We have discussed it a few times, but he is terrified to say it because of his divorce. I don't want to pressure him, but how long should I wait for him to say it before moving on? As a side note, it took him forever to say it to his now ex-wife when they were dating. -- LOVING HIM

DEAR LOVING: Moving on? This man shows you by his actions the way he feels about you, and you admit that you have never felt so loved and valued. It takes no effort to say, "I love you." Many people have been known to say it without meaning it.

That said, after two years it would not be pushy to ask him what the future looks like from his perspective.

Marriage & DivorceLove & Dating
life

Ghosting by Longtime Friends Is a Mystery

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 26th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I've been "ghosted" on social media by two friends who were, at different times, also work partners. We formed close and supportive bonds over many years, and I considered each of them a friend I could trust.

Being ghosted without any explanation has been very painful. I made a few attempts with each of them to ask why and never received an answer. That, too, has been painful. I'm not a person who has had friendship ruptures in my life. I have always been one to work out differences and disagreements. So this has been surprising.

These were separate friendships; the ghostings happened at separate times. To my knowledge, they have no connection with one another. I can't think of anything I did to cause this. I understand the need to "edit" one's social media friends list from time to time, but ghosting a longtime friend and colleague with no explanation seems like rude, hurtful behavior that leaves no possible good resolution. What do you think? -- GHOSTED TWICE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR GHOSTED: Life isn't always a tidy affair. Sometimes, much as we would wish it, there are no answers. Rather than obsess about why these former work friends no longer communicate, it would be healthier for you to move on and not look back. You have asked them for answers. They weren't forthcoming. Now go!

Work & SchoolFriends & Neighbors
life

Missing Birthday Check Gets Teens' Attention

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 26th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Here's a fun suggestion for grandmothers who are upset about teens not writing thank-you notes. If you want to hear from a teen, try this: Send a card and write inside, "Happy Birthday! Please buy something fun or something you need with the enclosed check. Love you, Grandma." Then forget to enclose the check. You will hear from that child, I promise. -- NEW ENGLAND NANA

DEAR NANA: You are a shrewd and witty lady. I'm sure my readers will love that suggestion. I know I did!

Holidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Family Won't Stop Reminding Woman of Her Failed Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 25th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I married when I was in my early 20s and stayed married for four years. It has been five years since my divorce. We had no children, and I haven't had contact with my ex. The problem is, my family won't stop bringing him up. My sister is being married soon, so they constantly discuss my wedding.

I didn't live near my family before the divorce, so they don't know how bad my marriage really was. I didn't tell them because I don't think it's their business. They didn't like him, but they don't know all of my reasons for getting divorced. I have moved on with my life.

I recently moved back to be near my family, which I regret now because they can't let go of my past. I have changed a lot in the time that I lived away from them. I worked my way through college and dealt with a genetic, life-threatening health issue (hospital stays included), all without their support. Since then, I have focused on my career, my health, self-care and my happiness. I'm proud of myself and have made only positive changes since my divorce.

I have told my family I don't appreciate their constantly bringing up my failed marriage and my sister's wedding all the time, but they continue to do so. They say they don't understand why it bothers me. Am I overreacting? How do I establish boundaries with them about this? As of now, I'm spending less time with them in order to stay focused on my life goals. -- KEEPING THE PAST IN THE PAST

DEAR KEEPING: You shouldn't blame your relatives for something they don't know -- specifically, the fact that your marriage was much worse than they realize. This is wedding season, your sister's nuptials are fast approaching, and it's only natural that the subject of weddings -- present, future and past -- comes up. Remind them that your marriage is a sensitive subject. If they don't stop bringing it up after that, then continue to distance yourself.

Health & SafetyFamily & ParentingHolidays & CelebrationsMarriage & Divorce
life

History of Distrust Complicates Response to Sister's Illness

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 25th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: After many years of much silence, backstabbing and abuse from my sister, I got a text from her telling me she's starting chemo for a form of leukemia. This has been going on for more than four years, but she thought now I should be "in the loop."

I told her I will be praying for her. I had to hold back the emotional, "What can I do for you?" She lives about five hours away, but knowing my siblings, I know they'll be hanging around and judging me on what I do next. I told her I am in shock right now.

I have very mixed emotions about how to handle this news -- from trust issues to guilt to pain. We are both in our mid-60s. Any advice would be helpful. -- LOST SIS

DEAR LOST SIS: Start by doing what you said you would -- praying for her. A few days -- or weeks -- after her treatment has started, call to see how she is doing. If the call goes well, continue to check in on her. If she wants you to come, put aside your differences and pay her a visit. If the call doesn't go well, don't put yourself in that position again, and do not apologize or feel guilty for doing it. Forgive her and forgive yourself.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Church Music Director Hides Her Drinking Problem Well

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The music director at our church -- I'll call her Mildred -- is an alcoholic. I realized it after I offered my home to her when she said she needed to escape from her alcoholic partner. Mildred is a nighttime drinker and imbibes until probably 2 a.m. She says she can't get to sleep until the "middle of the night."

I was married to an alcoholic for many years, yet I had no idea Mildred had a problem until she lived with me for those few weeks. She left my home giving me the various reasons why I wasn't nice enough to her and has returned to her alcoholic partner.

Should I say anything to the administrator of the church? At this point, it's my word against Mildred's, and her problem will be discovered sooner or later. Your advice? -- GETTING INVOLVED IN THE EAST

DEAR GETTING INVOLVED: If Mildred's drinking negatively affects her work, tell the administrator. If not, keep the bad tidings to yourself. However, in the future, if appropriate, be ready to share with Mildred information about support resources available to her such as AA, SMART Recovery, LifeRing and Women For Sobriety.

Etiquette & EthicsAddiction
life

Refusal to Replace Missing Tooth Eats at Man's Partner

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My partner recently lost one of his lateral incisors. He got a prosthetic tooth to wear until he gets an implant, which looks fine if he wears it. The problem is, it isn't comfortable. He can't eat with it, and he often prefers to leave it out. He also does this at home.

We live in a major metropolitan city. Having missing teeth is just not acceptable. Aside from it being bad for his dental health, he looks like a jack-o'-lantern when he smiles, which is extremely unattractive. I feel it's socially and professionally detrimental. Every time I broach the subject of moving forward with the implant, he responds with fierce opposition, which inevitably ends in an argument. Any advice? -- THAT'S THE "TOOTH" IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR TOOTH: It would be helpful to understand why your partner fiercely opposes moving forward with the implant. Is he afraid it will be painful? Is the problem that he doesn't have the money? If it's the former, he should talk to his dentist so his fears can be allayed. If it's the latter, perhaps he can talk to the dentist about payment options, or you can help him pay for the implant.

Health & SafetyLove & Dating
life

'No' Is Husband's Go-To Answer

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | May 24th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: What does it mean when your husband answers everything with "no"? For example, if I ask, "Are you watching 'This Old House'?" he says, "No, I'm watching 'This Old House.'" If I ask, "Do you want to eat dinner at 6?" he replies, "No, how about we eat around 6?" It's driving me nuts, and he doesn't even realize he does it. This happens almost every time I ask a question. Do you have any insight into this phenomenon? -- TALKED OUT IN TEXAS

DEAR TALKED OUT: Your husband may be joking with you or not paying close attention when you ask him a question. I assume that you have told him how much this bothers you. (If you haven't, you should.) However, if it continues, stop asking and TELL him what time dinner will be ready, and reframe the way you ask your questions. (Instead of asking if he's watching "This Old House" say, "What are you watching, Honey?")

Marriage & Divorce

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