DEAR ABBY: I have been happily married for more than 40 years. Since he retired a couple of years ago, it has come to my attention that he has been getting mail at a separate private mailbox. I don't see a good reason for this, and it is weighing on me heavily.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but I'm concerned. He sees all our bills and evidently pays other ones I'm not aware of. Because of this, I feel like a second-class citizen who is too stupid to know all the ins and outs of our finances.

Because I don't see anything he buys or pays for, I remain in the dark. Conversely, he sees where every penny I spend goes. It's not that he isn't generous; I lack for nothing. It's that he is secretive. (I don't think he is into porn or something else nefarious.)

At this stage in my marriage, have you any advice for me? If I confront him, I'm not confident he would give me all the information. Am I being too demanding? Should I let sleeping dogs lie? -- IN THE DARK IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR IN THE DARK: Unless you want to become like so many unfortunate women whose husbands keep the details of their finances from "the little woman," you will tell your husband you want to know how much money you both have, how it is invested and where it goes. If he is resistant, explain that women usually outlive their husbands, and you do not want to be caught flat-footed in addition to grieving in the event of his demise. If your marriage is as strong as you describe, he should recognize the wisdom in it. Right now the mailbox is the least of your worries. Save that conversation for another time.

DEAR ABBY: I recently got engaged, and my wedding is a year and a half away. My best friend, "Crystal," is going to be my maid of honor.

I know everyone has different insecurities, so I'm letting my bridesmaids choose their own dresses as long as they are the right color. However, I'm worried about Crystal and her dress. She's larger than the other girls. I know she will want to lose weight for the wedding. She has been saying she wants to lose weight for some time. Unfortunately, she isn't committed, and she stress eats.

I was thinking about having her come with me and buying a dress for her. While I'm trying to keep the dresses cheap, I know they can be expensive. Should I order the size Crystal thinks she will get down to? Current size? Bigger? I know it's usually better to order up because it's easier to make dresses smaller than larger. I don't know what to do and don't want to insult her. -- BAFFLED BRIDE

DEAR BAFFLED BRIDE: The responsibility for choosing a dress that fits should be Crystal's, not yours. If you insert yourself into the process, and the dress is too small by the time the wedding rolls around, the blame may fall on you. If you suggest she buy something (in the right color) closer to the date of the wedding, the chances are better that it will fit.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Thea" has distanced herself from the family. I understand why she did. Our parents were mentally, physically and emotionally abusive while we were growing up, with one who instigated the issues and the other taking it out on us kids.

I feel stuck in the middle of chaos. My parents have started to work on their behaviors and make amends for past conduct. It comes a bit too late for apologies, even for me, but I decided to give them a second chance since they seem sincere. Thea told them she wants nothing to do with them.

Recently, she contacted me asking me to suggest that my parents help out a family member who was in dire straits. I told Thea I would suggest it, but I couldn't guarantee what their response would be. Their response was that if she wanted something from them, she needed to ask them herself and not through an intermediary.

I'm at a loss as to how to tell both sides that I'm tired of being the middleman, as this has become an emotional thing between all parties involved. I'm also not sure how to open the discussion for them to air their differences whether they reconcile or not. Help! -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Thea has cut herself off from your parents for good reason. You are no more "in the middle" than you want to be. Tell your sister that if a family member is in trouble, THAT person should approach your parents and ask for help, not do it through you or another intermediary.

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DEAR ABBY: I am going through a nasty divorce. My sons, ages 4, 11 and 12, live with my husband, 1,000 miles away. They will be with me for summer vacation. This will be the longest stay they will have with me, and I'm not going to lie -- I am excited and nervous at the same time.

My problem is, my children do not know I have been seeing someone, and we live together. How should I break this to them? They didn't get to meet him during the holidays when we were together. My new beau, "Sean," thought it would be a bad idea, and I took his advice.

I have asked Sean how he feels about this, and he said he loves me very much, but he is scared of my boys. I'm fearful of how my children will react once I introduce them. I am afraid they will want to go back to their father. My soon-to-be-ex-husband said he has told them I left them for a new beau, which is not true. How can I introduce them slowly, and what can I anticipate for a backlash with the children? -- TREADING LIGHTLY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TREADING: Because you and Sean are living together, it's a little late to introduce Sean "slowly." Consider calling your older boys and saying that you will want them to meet "someone special who has made Mom very happy" and you are excited that they will be with you.

Suggest to Sean that if he's not used to relating to kids, he should schedule an appointment with a psychologist who can offer him suggestions on what to do. He should also sign up for parenting classes if time permits.

Once your boys arrive, schedule plenty of one-on-one time with them. Because of what your almost-ex has told them, it's important they know they are most important to you, and you did NOT leave them for anyone.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 66-year-old married man with two grown kids. I taught high school for 30 years.

A couple of years ago, a young English teacher, "Marci," was teaching a class in my room, and we became friends. Since then, we have been going out on Fridays after school to have a few beers. We just enjoy each other's company, but my wife thinks it is weird.

We have been married for 34 years, and most of them have been happy. It doesn't make sense to me that she thinks I shouldn't be hanging out with my former co-worker. I have started not telling her Marci will be at the brewery, when in fact she will be. I am recently retired and don't have many friends other than the people I worked with all those years. Am I being weird or is my spouse? -- CONFUSED IN OHIO

DEAR CONFUSED: You are not being weird; you are being dishonest. Your wife isn't weird, either. She's feeling threatened because you are "hanging out" with a younger woman.

Stop lying and start being honest again. Explain it to your wife the way you did to me -- that you don't have many friends other than the people you worked with all those years, and you would like to maintain those relationships -- at least until you can find new friends. If you invited her to come along with you, it might allay her fears.