life

Wife Discovers Digital Trail Left by Man Having Affair

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 17th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband went to his 45th class reunion a state away and hooked up with a classmate. Over the next few months it went from talking and texting to her sending him nude pictures of herself.

I found her emails professing her love to him. When I asked him, he swore nothing happened between them during the two weeks he was there other than a lunch date. After further investigation, I have discovered they had more than 30 hours of phone conversations, exchanged 4,000-plus texts and who knows the number of emails. Not only that, he bought another phone so I could no longer see the interactions on our shared cell account.

He finally admitted they did have a sexual encounter. He has now agreed to end all contact with her and work on our marriage. He has apologized, but I'm struggling to believe him because every time I found damning evidence, he would make up another excuse or blame it all on her. However, he never told her to stop or blocked her.

Is it time to cut my losses, or should I wait to see if he does this again? Why do people think having affairs is a good thing? -- CONFUSED IN MONTANA

DEAR CONFUSED: People who think an affair is a good thing for a marriage are deluding themselves. An affair only adds to the problems the couple was trying to ignore.

It's time for you and your husband to make an appointment with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Marriages can survive infidelity, but it takes time, full disclosure and hard work to rebuild trust. It will happen more quickly with professional help. If it doesn't work, THEN may be the time to "cut your losses." Only you can decide whether your marriage has been irretrievably broken.

Marriage & Divorce
life

Co-Workers Rally Around One Cancer Patient More Than Another

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 17th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago. I had surgery and radiation treatment, and although my recovery was slow, I am doing well now.

About a year ago, a co-worker was diagnosed with breast cancer. Our other co-workers raised a large sum of money for her to be used at a spa. They have also offered her emotional support via phone calls, texts, visits and cards. While I don't begrudge her the gifts and support, I'm very hurt that all I received was a handful of cards, an occasional phone call or text and one visit from one person. Only one of my co-workers stuck by me through everything.

I see these people all the time, and I'm having a hard time with my hurt feelings. Any thoughts on how I can move on? As a sidebar, these people are always the first ones to ask me for help and support at work. -- HURT IN THE EAST

DEAR HURT: There is nothing to be gained by nursing this disappointment. You and this woman are different people and likely have different relationships with these co-workers. If you don't want to help the people you feel gave you short shrift by comparison, you are free not to. But if you intend to continue working at the place you now do, recognize that it is time to put this behind you and move forward.

Work & SchoolHealth & Safety
life

Girl With Asperger's Gets Little Attention From Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband is more interested in hanging out with his friends than caring about our 11-year-old daughter who has Asperger's syndrome. She's a great kid and smart, but she has challenges and needs help. It falls to me to do everything with and for her.

I need him to participate more where she's concerned, but he loses patience with her and with me. He resents having to pay for therapy and music lessons for her (she loves music), but he had no hesitation about buying himself an expensive sports car -- not for us but for him. He's actually going away for a weekend with his buddies!

I've thought about marriage counseling, but he isn't interested. I feel overwhelmed and very alone. Please help. -- LIKE A SINGLE MOM IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR LIKE A SINGLE MOM: I'll try. Forgive my sarcasm, but it appears you married a real "winner" -- selfish and lacking the compassion and maturity to deal with the challenges your family is facing. Because your husband is unwilling to go with you for marriage counseling, you would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist on your own. When you do, it may give you a broader perspective on what your options are.

Marriage & DivorceMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Elderly Mother's Angst Hinders Move to Another State

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my mother, then age 86, came to live with me. My life has changed substantially in the last two years, and I need to move to another state. My husband already lives there, and I want to be with him. My mother's anxieties and fears are what's holding me back.

I have told her she can live with us there, or at a brand-new assisted living facility that's about to open in the town. Alternatively, she could move back to our hometown where my retired sister lives and stay in an assisted living facility there. Her remaining in this city is not an option because I'm the only person she knows here, and it's eight hours from where I will be.

Conversations with her on this subject are difficult as she prefers to ignore them, choosing only to consider her own needs. Her overall health is manageable, and she's doing well cognitively. She has not been hospitalized in two years. What do I do? -- TAKING CARE IN FLORIDA

DEAR TAKING CARE: Continue moving forward with your plans to relocate to be with your husband. Tell your mother you are giving her the choice of whether to reside with you or near your sister, but make clear she must make up her mind because you need to know whether you will have to accommodate her in your new home. Give her a deadline to let you know her preference, but if she refuses, make sure she understands that by default she'll be living near your sister.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

After Paying for Prom, Girl Wants Date's Bow Tie as Memento

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I went to my senior prom. I paid for everything, from the tickets down to his pocket square. It has been two years since the prom and one year since we broke up.

While packing away my prom dress, I realized how great it would be to have the bow tie and pocket square for future wearers as well as for sentimental value. I realize he may have gotten rid of them by now, but would it be wrong to ask for them if he still has them? -- LOOKING BACK AND AHEAD

DEAR LOOKING: Wrong? No. Fruitless? Probably.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Politics Put a Sudden End to 20-Year-Old Friendship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: In the last presidential election, I had a friend who voted differently than I did. We didn't try to persuade each other to vote "our" way, but I did share on social media some opinions about people who had taken some controversial positions. She regarded these opinions as a personal attack and stepped out of my life without warning.

I have tried to re-engage with her several times -- texts, Facebook messages, phone calls. One message was met with hostility, and the others have gone unanswered. I have tried to apologize for hurting her feelings even though I didn't intend to and asked for forgiveness. I have offered to take her to lunch.

I hate the idea of walking away from a 20-year friendship (we are both in our mid-30s, so this is a friendship that has lasted more than half our lives) over something that seems so insignificant to me. Do I quit? Do I keep trying? -- MISSING MY FRIEND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISSING: What happened is unfortunate. Because not one of your overtures has been accepted, step back and stop trying for a while. After the next election, cooler heads may prevail, and she may be more receptive.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Secretary Carting Boxes Is Told to Get a Man to Help

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work as a secretary in a big law office. At the end of the year we are supposed to box up and summarize our closed files so they can be stored in our warehouse. For some reason, all the women in the office seem to think I should find a man to help me carry the boxes. All I'm doing is picking them up and putting them on a cart so I can take them to my desk.

Abby, I am more than capable of carrying a box that weighs anywhere from 20 to 50 pounds. I'm in my mid-30s, fairly active and have never had a problem with this. I have worked here for about three years, and it's always the same reaction. Today my supervisor made a big scene and insisted I find help.

I hate having to hear the same thing every year. I don't know why it bugs me, but it does. My feeling is if I can do it, why not? Should I just give in to their demands or stand my ground? -- DOING MY JOB

DEAR DOING: Your supervisor may have told you to have a man place the boxes on the cart, I suspect, because of possible liability should you injure your back doing the lifting. Because ignoring the request could lead to "issues" with your employer, you should comply.

Work & School
life

Photographer Is Too Often Absent From Family Photos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been transferring all my photo slides from my childhood to my present age to my computer. Reviewing them I am dismayed there are very few photos of my grandfather, father or husband because they were usually the ones behind the camera taking the photos. Let's all remember to also put them in front of the camera so we may have many cherished memories of them, too. -- PICTURING IT IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR PICTURING IT: Your suggestion has merit, which is why I'm sharing it. However, with the advent of cellphone cameras and the ease with which folks take group selfies these days, I'm betting that in the future no one will be left out of the picture.

Family & Parenting

Subscribe

Receive Dear Abby Free Every Day


Next up: More trusted advice from...

  • Too Old
  • Lukewarm Water
  • Happy Place
  • Toy Around
  • A Clean Getaway
  • Patio Appeal
  • Daughter Keeps House Too Dark for Mom's Comfort
  • Adult Child Is Asked to Convey Angry Messages Between Divorcing Parents
  • Prankster's Humor Doesn't Impress New Girlfriend
UExpressLifeParentingHomePetsHealthAstrologyOdditiesA-Z
AboutContactSubmissionsTerms of ServicePrivacy Policy
©2023 Andrews McMeel Universal