life

Girl With Asperger's Gets Little Attention From Dad

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband is more interested in hanging out with his friends than caring about our 11-year-old daughter who has Asperger's syndrome. She's a great kid and smart, but she has challenges and needs help. It falls to me to do everything with and for her.

I need him to participate more where she's concerned, but he loses patience with her and with me. He resents having to pay for therapy and music lessons for her (she loves music), but he had no hesitation about buying himself an expensive sports car -- not for us but for him. He's actually going away for a weekend with his buddies!

I've thought about marriage counseling, but he isn't interested. I feel overwhelmed and very alone. Please help. -- LIKE A SINGLE MOM IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR LIKE A SINGLE MOM: I'll try. Forgive my sarcasm, but it appears you married a real "winner" -- selfish and lacking the compassion and maturity to deal with the challenges your family is facing. Because your husband is unwilling to go with you for marriage counseling, you would benefit from talking to a licensed therapist on your own. When you do, it may give you a broader perspective on what your options are.

Marriage & DivorceMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Elderly Mother's Angst Hinders Move to Another State

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Eight years ago, my mother, then age 86, came to live with me. My life has changed substantially in the last two years, and I need to move to another state. My husband already lives there, and I want to be with him. My mother's anxieties and fears are what's holding me back.

I have told her she can live with us there, or at a brand-new assisted living facility that's about to open in the town. Alternatively, she could move back to our hometown where my retired sister lives and stay in an assisted living facility there. Her remaining in this city is not an option because I'm the only person she knows here, and it's eight hours from where I will be.

Conversations with her on this subject are difficult as she prefers to ignore them, choosing only to consider her own needs. Her overall health is manageable, and she's doing well cognitively. She has not been hospitalized in two years. What do I do? -- TAKING CARE IN FLORIDA

DEAR TAKING CARE: Continue moving forward with your plans to relocate to be with your husband. Tell your mother you are giving her the choice of whether to reside with you or near your sister, but make clear she must make up her mind because you need to know whether you will have to accommodate her in your new home. Give her a deadline to let you know her preference, but if she refuses, make sure she understands that by default she'll be living near your sister.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

After Paying for Prom, Girl Wants Date's Bow Tie as Memento

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 16th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My ex and I went to my senior prom. I paid for everything, from the tickets down to his pocket square. It has been two years since the prom and one year since we broke up.

While packing away my prom dress, I realized how great it would be to have the bow tie and pocket square for future wearers as well as for sentimental value. I realize he may have gotten rid of them by now, but would it be wrong to ask for them if he still has them? -- LOOKING BACK AND AHEAD

DEAR LOOKING: Wrong? No. Fruitless? Probably.

Work & SchoolEtiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Politics Put a Sudden End to 20-Year-Old Friendship

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: In the last presidential election, I had a friend who voted differently than I did. We didn't try to persuade each other to vote "our" way, but I did share on social media some opinions about people who had taken some controversial positions. She regarded these opinions as a personal attack and stepped out of my life without warning.

I have tried to re-engage with her several times -- texts, Facebook messages, phone calls. One message was met with hostility, and the others have gone unanswered. I have tried to apologize for hurting her feelings even though I didn't intend to and asked for forgiveness. I have offered to take her to lunch.

I hate the idea of walking away from a 20-year friendship (we are both in our mid-30s, so this is a friendship that has lasted more than half our lives) over something that seems so insignificant to me. Do I quit? Do I keep trying? -- MISSING MY FRIEND IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISSING: What happened is unfortunate. Because not one of your overtures has been accepted, step back and stop trying for a while. After the next election, cooler heads may prevail, and she may be more receptive.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Secretary Carting Boxes Is Told to Get a Man to Help

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I work as a secretary in a big law office. At the end of the year we are supposed to box up and summarize our closed files so they can be stored in our warehouse. For some reason, all the women in the office seem to think I should find a man to help me carry the boxes. All I'm doing is picking them up and putting them on a cart so I can take them to my desk.

Abby, I am more than capable of carrying a box that weighs anywhere from 20 to 50 pounds. I'm in my mid-30s, fairly active and have never had a problem with this. I have worked here for about three years, and it's always the same reaction. Today my supervisor made a big scene and insisted I find help.

I hate having to hear the same thing every year. I don't know why it bugs me, but it does. My feeling is if I can do it, why not? Should I just give in to their demands or stand my ground? -- DOING MY JOB

DEAR DOING: Your supervisor may have told you to have a man place the boxes on the cart, I suspect, because of possible liability should you injure your back doing the lifting. Because ignoring the request could lead to "issues" with your employer, you should comply.

Work & School
life

Photographer Is Too Often Absent From Family Photos

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 15th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been transferring all my photo slides from my childhood to my present age to my computer. Reviewing them I am dismayed there are very few photos of my grandfather, father or husband because they were usually the ones behind the camera taking the photos. Let's all remember to also put them in front of the camera so we may have many cherished memories of them, too. -- PICTURING IT IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR PICTURING IT: Your suggestion has merit, which is why I'm sharing it. However, with the advent of cellphone cameras and the ease with which folks take group selfies these days, I'm betting that in the future no one will be left out of the picture.

Family & Parenting
life

Mom Taking Care of Everyone Else Has No Time for Herself

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I am a stay-at-home mom to three wonderful little girls. I appreciate my husband working so I can do this, but I'm very lonely. I have no real friends.

I help my mom with all her medical needs, making appointments and getting her to them. I also help my brother with his three kids. I help everyone with everything.

In addition to running my home and taking care of our three children, I do everything for my husband. All he has to do when he comes home from work is eat and take a shower.

I haven't been anywhere by myself in a very long time. We haven't had a date night, either. Finding a baby sitter isn't easy. Mom can't watch the kids, and my grandparents do it only when I need to take her to the doctor's without the baby. I take the baby everywhere with me.

Please give me some advice on making time for myself and my marriage. I just need someone to be on my side. -- LONELIEST MOM IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MOM: I'm on your side. You have been so helpful to everyone else that you have forgotten how to take care of yourself. Tell your husband what you need -- a date night with him every two weeks and a day or two to take care of yourself each month. It will do wonders for your spirits. When you do, ask your brother to watch your children for you. If he refuses, hiring someone to baby-sit would be money well spent.

The problem with being a martyr is that people die doing it, so recognize it's time to stand up for yourself. If you don't, by now you should understand that nobody will do it for you.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Weddings Pose Awkward Situations for Family Split by Divorce

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 14th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My father was married before he met my mother and had five wonderful children during his previous marriage. When my half-brother got married two years ago, he invited our father, my mother and me to his wedding. My parents declined because they didn't want to see my father's ex-wife (my half-brother's mother). I went because, quite frankly, I have no dog in that fight.

I recently got word that my half-sister is getting married in June and plans on inviting our father and my mother as well. Due to their absence at my half-brother's wedding, my parents have decided they shouldn't go to any of my half-siblings' weddings in order to be fair to everyone.

Although I'm upset that they're refusing to attend, I can't help but wonder what I should do when I get married. Because they're my parents and I love them, I'd like them to come. But I also want to be sensitive to my half-siblings' thoughts and feelings. I don't want them to feel as if their father and stepmother love me more than they love them. What should I do? -- TROUBLED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR TROUBLED: When the time comes, talk to your half-siblings about your concerns and the fact that your parents did not come to their weddings. Explain that they were absent because they were uncomfortable about encountering their mother. I'm sure it won't surprise them. Tell them you would love to have them with you on that special day. But if they refuse out of loyalty to their mother, do not be surprised or regard it as a personal rejection.

Marriage & DivorceHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting

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