life

Boyfriend Is a Lamb at Home but Becomes a Lion in Public

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 13th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is incredibly sweet and kind to me, but he's often mean to strangers and can be very aggressive and angry. Some examples: I'm moving in with him, and we are giving a lot of furniture to the poor. One couple, who had agreed to take a couch, decided not to. He yelled at them and told them they were going back on their word and causing him problems, so they agreed to take it anyway.

Another example: We are dancers, and when someone got in his way on the dance floor, he yelled at them and called them names. I'm afraid he's going to make himself hated in class. In traffic he yells and swears at everyone. I'm worried he'll start to lose patience with me like this. Can you please give me some advice? -- NERVOUS IN THE NORTH

DEAR NERVOUS: Your boyfriend may be sweet and kind to you, but he has an anger management problem and a low tolerance for frustration. You are right to be concerned that one day he will unload on you.

Tell him you care about him, but you view his volatility as a danger to your relationship, and it may also hold him back in future employment. Urge him to get help for it. Without help, the problem will only get worse.

Love & Dating
life

Little Boy's Big Name Ruffles Feathers

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 13th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A child in my son's second-grade class goes by the name "Sir _____ _____," and if anyone leaves out "Sir," he corrects them (and not very nicely). The family claims the child has been knighted, but the details become vague when asked.

Abby, I did some digging around. This child's name isn't on the official British list of knighted citizens. It's impossible to inherit the title "Sir" and basically unheard of for an American 7-year-old boy to legitimately be given the title. I feel titles should be earned (such as "Dr.," "Captain," or "Mrs."), not made up to generate a sense of power over those around you. May I tell my son it's OK not to use this bogus title? -- KNIGHTED SECOND-GRADER?

DEAR KNIGHTED: I don't recommend it. The kid may have been given the name "Sir" by his parents at birth, just as the children of certain celebrities have been named "Prince" or "Your Majesty." If your son prefers not to address the boy by name, he's free not to address him at all.

Family & ParentingWork & SchoolEtiquette & Ethics
life

Restaurant Tab Is Delivered to the Wrong Side of the Table

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 13th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My significant other and I have been together for 25 years. I am a youthful 71; he is 59. Until recently I could cope with our age difference, but it has become a problem when we dine in restaurants. The server will often place the bill in front of me. I am not certain if I should be angry or insulted. How do I correct this faux pas without embarrassing my partner? -- LUCKY LADY IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR LUCKY LADY: It should not embarrass your significant other if you tell the presumptuous server that your escort is picking up the check. Alternatively, it wouldn't hurt your S.O. to speak up and ask that it be handed to him. If there's a question in a server's mind about who will be paying the bill, it should be placed in the middle of the table.

Etiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Drunk Friend Spills the Beans on Cause of Parents' Separation

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 12th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My parents were separated for four years while I was in high school and college. It was an incredibly difficult time, and it strained my relationship with my dad. I was told they had "grown apart" but got back together, although we never discuss the reason for it.

I was out with my sister's friends last night, and one of them got drunk and told me the reason my parents split up was Dad had been seeing another woman and accidentally texted my sister instead of this other woman, and everyone in my family knew about it!

Dad and I barely saw each other or spoke about the separation, and we are finally in a good place. I'm hurt that he intentionally did something that broke up my family. It wasn't something that just happened because they drifted apart.

I don't want to ask my sister and bring up painful memories for her. My parents have never talked about their separation since they got back together. What should I do? -- MIXED-UP DAUGHTER IN WISCONSIN

DEAR DAUGHTER: When infidelity happens there is usually a reason, and those reasons can vary from couple to couple. It's possible that your parents, who understandably don't want to relive that painful chapter, were having problems before the affair began. What is important now is that your family is back together.

My advice is to allow them their privacy. However, if you feel you cannot do that, then tell them together what your sister's friend told you.

Family & ParentingMarriage & DivorceFriends & Neighbors
life

Family's Apartment Is Too Small for Large-Scale Children's Toys

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 12th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I was wondering what the rule of etiquette is when it comes to unwanted children's gifts. It's one thing if my husband and I receive gifts we don't want and get rid of them, but I'm not sure what to do with gifts for our kids.

We live in a small apartment and sometimes get large-ticket items we don't have room for. We've asked our family to keep the items small, but some of them ignore our request. A few times we've sold the items and put the money into our child's bank account. But we aren't sure that is the best way.

Also, what do we do when family sends our children stuff we don't want them to have? Some may be inappropriate, broken or junk. My in-laws have little to no interaction with our kids, and this is the only way they've chosen to make their presence known. We are reluctant to discard the only attention our kids get from their grandparents. What is the right thing to do? -- NO MORE GIFTS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO MORE GIFTS: Because you have made your wishes known to the grandparents and they are ignored, you and your children should thank them for their gifts -- and you should continue repurposing items that are too large for your dwelling or unusable. Do not feel guilty for doing so because someone else may be better able to put them to use.

Etiquette & EthicsMoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Effort to Avoid Hurting Friend Has Opposite Result

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 12th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I recently played both sides during a sticky and challenging time. Now I have a friend who is really upset with me, and I don't know what to do. I thought I was doing the right thing, but in my effort to not hurt my friend, I have done more damage. I'm not sure this can be repaired. What should I do? -- MESSED UP IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR MESSED UP: Apologize to your friend. And if the friendship cannot be repaired, learn from it.

Friends & Neighbors
life

Mom 'Reclaims' the Things She Gave to Her Daughters

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 11th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother moved in with my sister in California around 1993. After 20 years, I asked her what she wanted to do with her storage unit, which was still in Arizona. Long story short, she said: "Clear it out. I don't even know what's in there. Take whatever you want, keep the pictures and give the rest to Goodwill." My sisters have the same recollection. Over the next three or four years, my sisters and I proceeded to do so.

Mom has moved in with me now, at 80 years old, and says she may be moving out into her own place in the future. The items I use in my household are starting to disappear. She says she's reclaiming them. I told her they are things I use and that she gave them to us years ago. Who is correct? Should I keep the items as mine? Or should my mother be able to take them back after specifically giving them up, since they have been integrated into our households? -- CLEARED OUT IN THE WEST

DEAR CLEARED OUT: Your mother may be having some memory glitches, or may regret giving up her independence and the items that symbolize it. Do not be defensive. Tell her that when she has a place of her own "in the future," you will gladly return any items she needs. Do not let this degenerate into an argument. She has been living with your sister -- and now you -- over the last 26 years for a reason. Some seniors move in with their children because they are medically or financially unable to manage on their own.

Family & Parenting
life

Wife Can't Overlook Husband's Need to Cross-Dress

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 11th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My husband likes to wear my underwear, and it grosses me out. He knows I don't approve and promises he won't do it again, but he does. I can't even stand to look at him. What should I do? -- DISTURBED IN TEXAS

DEAR DISTURBED: The first thing to do would be to understand that not every woman who is married to a cross-dresser feels as strongly as you do about it. Do some research about cross-dressing -- its causes and why some men feel the compulsion to do it. If after that you are still grossed out and unable to understand why your husband needs to do this, it may be time to schedule some marriage counseling to see if your marriage can be saved.

Marriage & DivorceSex & Gender
life

Plush Toys Make the Best Easter Bunnies for Kids

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | April 11th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: It won't be long before Easter is here. Please remind your readers to never give live animals as holiday gifts. There are adorable plush toy animals available that can be held tightly and snuggled safely -- for all concerned. -- A MOM IN EVANSTON, ILL.

DEAR MOM: Thanks for the timely reminder to parents and grandparents. Children should not be gifted with pets until they are old enough -- and responsible enough -- to care for them. Adorable chicks and baby bunnies have been squeezed or neglected to death because the children had no concept of how they should be treated. And even when the children ARE old enough, the parents should first agree that the little creature is welcome.

Holidays & Celebrations

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