DEAR ABBY: For several years, my husband and I were good friends with "Pam" and "David." About a year ago, we moved to a new house just a few blocks from theirs. They decided they liked some of the features of our new home and immediately started remodeling theirs to resemble ours.

Pam and David both work and I am retired, so Dave asked if I would go to their home throughout the day, while several workmen did this extensive remodel. I refused, saying I wasn't comfortable alone in someone else's house with a bunch of strangers milling about, not to mention the responsibility if something was broken or stolen. (The company wasn't bonded. They are just random guys doing side jobs.)

Long story short, David was extremely offended that I declined and no longer speaks to us. He has shunned other friends for lesser things since then. I'm still friendly with Pam, but I can't help feeling that deep down she resents me, too, and thinks I should have done it because we are good friends.

Was I wrong to refuse, Abby? Should I have done it to keep the friendship, even though I wasn't comfortable? -- RESENTFUL IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR RESENTFUL: I not only don't think you were wrong, I think you made a wise decision, and for the right reason. If anything had gone wrong with the remodel or one of the laborers was less than honest, the blame would have fallen squarely on you. Add to that the fact that Dave drops people he feels let him down for any reason, and you have a recipe for disaster.

If Pam resents you for protecting yourself, she may not be as good a friend as you assume she is. True friends should be able to say no when it's warranted, and true friends accept a refusal with good grace.

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to "choose" to forgive someone? My 20-year-old nephew recently turned his life around. He has a good job, a nice girlfriend and a baby on the way. But when he and my sister were living with my late mother a few years ago, he trashed Mom's basement (where he was living), and it cost her hundreds of dollars to repair the damage. He also stole money from her and once threatened my life. He smoked and drank as a teen, quit school, and did nothing more than play video games.

I'm glad he has changed his ways, but he has never apologized for the way he treated us. It seems I'm expected by everyone to forgive and forget, but I can't. Please don't suggest counseling. He wouldn't go.

I don't want to be estranged from his girlfriend and my great-nephew, but I have no interest in engaging with him unless he makes amends for his past behavior. My sister always seemed oblivious to his bad behavior. In her eyes, her son can do no wrong. Is there any way to reconcile his particular past with the present? -- STILL ANGRY IN MINNESOTA

DEAR STILL ANGRY: Yes, it is possible to choose to forgive. But it doesn't appear that your nephew has completely turned his life around. Part of growing up is becoming a responsible individual. Making amends for past misdeeds is a part of that process your nephew seems to have skipped.

If you would like to have a relationship with his girlfriend and their child, nothing prevents it. But it doesn't mean you must have amnesia about the way you and your mother were treated by your nephew. Talk to him about this so you can get the closure you are seeking.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to my husband for four years, and before that, I knew him for about a year. At the time, he was very loving and considerate, but right after we got married, his true nature emerged.

He drinks heavily every night and says horrible things. In the morning, he has no recollection of it and expects me to be loving and warm to him. I can't bring myself to do it. He is always accusing me of cheating on him, even though I have given him no reason. He has a GPS on my phone, and if I don't answer his texts or calls immediately, he goes ballistic.

Abby, I'm not happy and have often thought about running away. During the day he helps me, but at night he becomes a completely different person. I have a full-time job and pay 85 percent of the bills. I take care of the kids, cook and clean, but nothing makes him happy. I would really appreciate your advice. -- LOST IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LOST: Nothing you do WILL make your husband happy. You are married to an abusive blackout drunk. Demand that he enter an abuse treatment program. If he refuses, then leave now, before the example he sets when he has been drinking further damages your children. If you need information about forming an escape plan, go online to the National Domestic Violence Hotline website (thehotline.org). There is also a toll-free 24-hour hotline: 1-800-799-7233.

DEAR ABBY: I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We don't live together, but we're together three or four times a week, and the sex is great.

He is into porn, and when I am not there, I know he looks at it because I have found pictures of it on his phone. It makes me feel like I'm not enough because if I was, he wouldn't need to look at other girls for arousal. When I tell him that, he says there's no emotional attachment to porn for him. He says it is all visual and there is nothing to be jealous of.

I myself am not into it. It grosses me out to even look at it. Is he telling me the truth? -- GROSSED OUT IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR GROSSED OUT: If your boyfriend does not require looking at his cellphone in order to have sex with you, then he is telling you the truth. Men are turned on by the visual. Women are more turned on by the written word. The expert who pointed that out to me was Larry Flynt. After I printed it, I was criticized by some readers for using him as a resource. Three months later, the book "Fifty Shades of Grey" appeared and became a worldwide phenomenon. So Larry was right -- in spades.

DEAR ABBY: I'm hoping you will settle a bet between me and a good friend. I'm sure you've heard of or seen the advertisements for ancestral DNA testing. I say that three children with the same two parents will all have equal percentages of their parents' ancestry. My friend says the amounts can vary from child to child. Who is right? A nice dinner is riding on this. -- HUNGRY TO KNOW IN MINNESOTA

DEAR HUNGRY: I am sure your friend will enjoy the nice dinner you're paying for. According to Ancestry.com, unless the siblings are identical triplets, the amount of DNA they receive from each parent can vary, and it is not unusual for siblings to have different percentages of their parents' ancestry.

DEAR ABBY: I met a really great guy online eight months ago. He lives in another country and we have been in a long-distance relationship for the last six months. We talk all the time, video chat frequently and have grown very close. I have never clicked with anyone like I have with him, and I know he feels the same.

We are having a significant disagreement about meeting in person. I'm willing to travel to his country. The expense, while not negligible, is within my means. However, he says he has some serious ongoing health issues and he wants to wait until they are resolved to meet. He has had them for much of his life, although they have gotten worse during the time I have known him. So far, there has been no diagnosis or treatment plan.

When I have asked, he says I should be patient and he doesn't want our relationship to be about waiting to do things because of his condition. Meanwhile, I know how much pain he is in. I see it every time we chat, and I know how much it affects him. It's not going to scare me away. I just want to be there with him, to see if we work as well in person as we seem to online.

I don't want to add to his stress by insisting we meet, but I also don't want to spend months or years with my life on hold, waiting for a perfect time to meet. What should I do? -- GAMER GIRL IN INDIANA

DEAR GAMER GIRL: When someone you meet online is reluctant to meet in person and interact with you fully, there is usually a reason. Having had these "health problems" all his life, one would think there would be a name for the illness and a treatment plan. Because he has neither, I question whether his health is the reason he doesn't want you to visit him. He may be in a relationship or not as he has represented himself in some other way. What you need to do is move on.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law has the means to buy almost anything she wants. She's a shopper, a borderline hoarder, yet very generous to her children. She buys expensive and unwanted gifts for all her kids -- satisfying her shopping urges by getting us doubles of her latest cooking gadget, vacuum cleaner or 10-pound box of chocolate we shouldn't be eating in the first place.

While we're not poor, we sure could use the money she's wasting on these silly gifts. How do we tell her that it's awkward for us to receive an expensive vacuum when we need help with school tuition for our kids? Is it wrong for us to look a gift horse in the mouth, or insensitive of her to flaunt her purchasing power while we're struggling? -- REGRETFULLY UNGRATEFUL

DEAR REGRETFULLY: I'm not going to label your mother-in-law as insensitive or you as ungrateful. I do think the time has come for you and her son to have a frank talk with her and explain that, while you are grateful for the gifts, you could better use the money she's spending on them for help with her grandchildren's school tuition. If that offends her, so be it, but if she loves her grandchildren, I don't think it should.