life

Husband's About-Face on Adoption Has Wife Unsure of Their Future

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 16th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When I first started dating my boyfriend seven years ago, I told him that I wanted to someday adopt a child. He said he would like his own children first, but adoption would be "cool."

We now have two children, 5 and 3, and I'm ready to adopt. We're financially able to support another child, and we both have great careers.

When I recently mentioned adoption to him, he said he has changed his mind and doesn't want to adopt. He says because we have our own children, he wouldn't want the adopted baby to potentially feel like the "odd one out."

Is this something to end an otherwise happy marriage over? Or should I give it one more shot and hope maybe he'll want to adopt? I have wanted to do this since I was a little girl, and it is important to me. -- PRO-ADOPTION IN OHIO

DEAR PRO-ADOPTION: You and your husband may need professional mediation to reach an agreement that will work for both of you. Bringing a child who needs a loving family into your home can be managed if everyone is on the same page with it -- including your biological children.

Your husband may not want the responsibility of another child because he has experienced parenthood twice and knows how much is involved in raising them, but the reason he gave doesn't strike me as valid.

That said, leaving your husband would be no guarantee that you would be in a position to adopt a child alone. There may be other options for you if you want to help children waiting for adoption -- including fostering, mentoring or volunteering with the Big Brothers Big Sisters program.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Registered Dietitians Know the Facts of Nutrition

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 16th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily and notice that you often suggest readers consult a "nutritionist" for assistance with healthy eating, weight loss, etc.

I have been a registered nurse for almost 50 years, and I would like to point out that the professional to be consulted about nutrition is a registered dietitian. A registered dietitian holds a college degree and usually a higher level degree, and teaches to the American Dietetic Association nutritional standard. This is an important distinction.

A nutritionist can be anybody who says they are one. Registered dietitians do not promote any fad diets and teach proper eating. This is especially important for people with medical diagnoses such as diabetes or heart disease, among others. But the teaching is for anyone who wants information about healthy eating to maintain good health throughout life.

Some dietitians have private offices, but if your readers can't locate one, they should ask their primary doctor so he/she can refer them to one. Or call the nutrition department of their local hospital, as there are often classes that can be attended at the hospital. -- NURSE WHO KNOWS IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR NURSE: Thank you for taking the time to share this information with my readers. Healthy eating is the basis for healthy living.

Health & Safety
life

Child's Accusations Against Cousin Cause Rift in Family

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 15th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My brother and sister-in-law recently told me their 5-year-old son claims my 9-year-old son touched him inappropriately on several occasions. Understanding that any parent believes what their child says, I asked my son if he has ever touched or done anything inappropriate to anyone. His response was, "Why would I do that?"

My husband and I asked our son about it on several different occasions and got the same answer. Not wanting to pressure him to the point of coercion and force him to admit to something he did not do, I accepted his denials.

My brother and his wife are convinced my son did these heinous things to their son. What more is there for me to do? My son and I are now being shunned and barred from being around any of my brother's kids. -- SHUNNED IN COLORADO

DEAR SHUNNED: A young child might make a statement like the one your nephew did to get attention, get the other child in trouble OR because he is being touched inappropriately by someone else. This certainly bears further exploration, and the people who should do that are your brother and his wife.

If your son ends up being guilty, then you and your husband must investigate where this behavior came from and get him professional help. Until this is resolved, the children should be kept apart.

Family & Parenting
life

Text in the Middle of the Night Is Answered With a Phone Call

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 15th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: The other day, I was checking numbers on my contacts list in my phone. It has been years since I purged any, so I sent out a few texts with just the person's name. Later, I woke up around 3 a.m. and couldn't get back to sleep, so I checked my social media.

I returned two emails, then saw I had a response to one of my texts which read, "???" So I texted back my name. Next thing I knew, my phone was ringing. It was an acquaintance from years ago. I answered, even though I could have let it go into voicemail, because I didn't want to be rude. However, the last thing I wanted to do was have a 3 a.m. conversation with this person -- or any person, for that matter.

In my opinion, a phone call is different from a text. Calling me at 3 a.m. was inappropriate, bordering on rude. The other person contends I shouldn't have texted that late if I didn't want to talk. I have put this matter of contemporary communication etiquette out there, and the feedback I'm receiving on the subject is divided. What do you think? -- TEXT ETIQUETTE IN THE SOUTH

DEAR TEXT ETIQUETTE: What I think is that you owe the person an apology for having disturbed him or her in the wee hours of the morning and, while you're at it, explain that you didn't think your text would be seen until after sunup.

Etiquette & EthicsFriends & Neighbors
life

Beauty School Bill for Haircut Leaves No Room for a Tip

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 15th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I get my hair done at the local beauty school. When I pay, there is no room on the bill to leave a tip. Is it OK not to tip these people because they are in school, or should I plan on bringing cash with me next time? -- WONDERING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR WONDERING: If you like the service the student performed, show your gratitude (and respect!) by bringing along enough money to tip him or her. That's what I would do, as long as there is no school rule that forbids it.

Etiquette & EthicsMoney
life

Crime Shows Influence Parents' Paranoia About the Real World

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 14th, 2019 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: I dwell in a small, Southern and, I thought, safe hometown. I'm currently unemployed and therefore unable to afford a place of my own. I live with my parents. I have job-searched for months now for something within walking distance. I pay for food with food stamps. But I can't yet pay for transportation, insurance, necessities, etc.

My problem is, I love to walk four to six times a week for 30 minutes to an hour. It helps me with depression and boosts my self-esteem, health and wellness. It shouldn't be a problem, right? Well, I've been warned several times that I could get hit by a vehicle, kidnapped and even murdered if I continue to do it. (My parents are TV crime show fans.)

Abby, I have spoken with the police in my area. They assure me it's safe to be out for a walk. Yet, if I'm gone more than 15 or 20 minutes, I receive incessant, ominous, foreboding warning calls on my cellphone. What can I do about their overactive spookiness? I can't afford a treadmill. -- STEPPING OUT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR STEPPING: When you leave for your walk, tell your parents approximately what time they can expect you back, leaving yourself a few minutes' leeway. Then silence your cellphone and enjoy your walk.

Health & SafetyFamily & Parenting
life

Casual Conversations Turn Tense When Questions Are Raised

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 14th, 2019 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: Is it wrong to question some belief or fact that someone else has brought up? I'm not in the habit of picking fights or bringing up controversial topics in social situations. But if someone else brings it up first or makes a verifiable claim, I think I'm within my rights to ask for a source or to argue the point if I disagree.

I am being told that doing this is rude. I always thought that if someone makes a claim or statement, then it's acceptable for the people you are talking with to ask where the information came from or to disagree. And if someone doesn't want to risk their opinion being challenged, or isn't absolutely sure the claim can withstand scrutiny, they should keep their mouth shut. Is it rude to ask, "Oh, what's your source for that?" or say, "The studies I've read say that ..."? -- FRIENDLY DISCUSSION

DEAR FRIENDLY: I think it depends upon the subject being discussed and the tone in which the question is asked. Sometimes it ain't what you say as much as the way it comes across that makes others defensive.

Etiquette & Ethics
life

Tattoo's Location Makes Compliments Uncomfortable

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | March 14th, 2019 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: At the checkout counter I noticed the clerk had a tattoo in the cleavage of her breasts. I could see it because of her low-cut blouse. What's the correct protocol? Should I ignore the obvious, or should I look closer to be sure I am seeing it correctly? Should I compliment her on her nice tattoo? What exactly am I to do while she's ringing up my purchase? -- BAFFLED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR BAFFLED: I'm so glad you asked! What you should do is keep your eyes focused on the tally the computer monitor shows to be sure the checker is ringing up your purchase correctly. It's the way to make the "breast" of a touchy situation.

Etiquette & Ethics

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