life

New, Simpler Lifestyle Sparks Anger Among Family, Friends

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided a couple of years ago that we wanted to live a simpler, slower-paced life. We decided to get rid of our TV, tablets and social media accounts and trade our smartphones in for flip phones, among other changes. Since then we have been focusing more on our marriage and our four kids. We have picked up new hobbies and have been learning better communication skills. The result: We find ourselves happier and less stressed overall.

The problem is we have encountered a lot of hostility from friends and family. We have been told we are crazy, backward, anti-technology, and have even been accused of abusing our kids because they spend most of their time outdoors and don't watch TV.

I really don't understand why people are angry. Maybe they feel we are judging them (we aren't), or maybe they just don't like when others choose a different path. With all the complaints about how millennials (my husband and I) are addicted to screens, I would think they would regard our decision as a positive one.

Even after two years, people are upset about it, and we still get rude, snarky comments. I don't care if they disagree with us, but I do care that they feel entitled to be rude and disrespectful. How do we deal with people's big emotions over such a small matter? -- UNPLUGGED IN OHIO

DEAR UNPLUGGED: Social media can be a blessing, and for many individuals it has become the primary way of maintaining contact with others. Your friends and family may be bothered because they have to make more effort in order to have a relationship with you.

Because you have chosen the direction in which you want to go, your best "defense" would be to keep your sense of humor and ignore the snark whenever possible. I'm pleased that you are happier now, and I have a hunch more families may follow your example in the future.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Wife Cherishes Simple Gold Band Through 45 Years of Marriage

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 3rd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: This is in reply to "Hung Up on the Ring in Reno" (Nov. 11), whose girlfriend insists on a very expensive ring as part of the marriage proposal. He believes she equates her value and social status with the size of the stone.

I was married in the early 1970s. When my fiance and I went to a jeweler to select my ring, I sorted through several trays of gold rings, searching for just the right one. Finally, in the last tray, I found exactly what I wanted -- a little gold band trimmed with an etched design around the edges. I held my breath as the jeweler quoted the price -- $13!

That sweet little gold band has been on the third finger of my left hand for 45 years. It has nothing to do with my value and social status, but rather, represents 4 1/2 decades of love, mutual respect and sharing. I wouldn't trade it for the Hope Diamond, and I intend to wear it until my final day on Earth.

Incidentally, my husband saw the jeweler later at a social gathering shortly before our wedding, and the man complimented him on the "nice, sensible" young lady he was going to marry. -- NANCY IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

DEAR NANCY: It appears your husband and the jeweler had something important in common -- an eye for quality.

Marriage & DivorceHolidays & CelebrationsMoney
life

Adult Child Sees Too Much Togetherness in Family Trip

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 2nd, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: This spring, my entire family will be traveling 15 hours away for a wedding. I was excited about it until my family started making plans.

I'm 21 and live alone, so I'm pretty independent from my parents. The thought of being around them 24/7 for a week straight drives me crazy.

They took it upon themselves to get a credit card in my name to rent me a hotel room on the same floor as everyone else, and even went so far as buying a camper so everyone could go together. Ideally, I'd like to travel there independently, spend time as a family during the wedding, then have some alone time and enjoy the trip.

I'm under so much pressure to please my family that I'm not even sure I still want to go. I know my family would be hurt if I don't go, but I feel like if I do, they will be upset because I won't be with them 24/7. Either I stay home and miss out, or go to the wedding and be annoyed. Advice? -- WORRIED ABOUT THE WEDDING IN ILLINOIS

DEAR WORRIED: This isn't a choice between going or not going to the wedding. This is your chance to create some boundaries between you and your family in the future now that you are an adult. This isn't a power struggle. It is an important milestone in the lives of your relatives.

I hope you will attend the wedding and be present, accounted for and supportive. However, before you go, make plain to your parents that you will need some time to yourself so they won't be surprised when you're not with them 100 percent of the time. Then contact the hotel and arrange to pay for your accommodations with a credit card that YOU applied for, because you are canceling the one that was fraudulently opened in your name "for" you. And tell your parents to never "help" you out that way again.

MoneyHolidays & CelebrationsFamily & Parenting
life

Mom Threatens Secret Nudist's Single Lifestyle

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 2nd, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I'm 61 and have lived alone my entire life. I like it that way. The roommate thing turned out to be a nightmare for me when I was younger, so I decided that being alone was the way to go.

My mother is nearing 80. She has her mind and is still functional, but her landlord may raise her rent and she may not be able to afford to live there much longer.

She has her heart set on living with me. I love her with all my heart, but I know my life will be compromised if she does. I like solitude, taking my shirt and bra off and throwing them across the room if I feel like it. I am also a secret nudist. I usually wear no clothes when I'm home because I have some skin conditions and can't wait after a hard day to just shed my clothes.

Living with my mother will make me feel like I'm a kid again because that's how she's always treated me. I'm so set in my ways I doubt it can work out. Perhaps I can give her gift cards to buy food to help her out, maybe $200 a month. But she gives that much to the church and also helps out my brother. Please give me some advice. -- ALONE BY CHOICE

DEAR ALONE: It's time for an honest conversation with your mother, in which you explain everything you have written to me -- that you love her, but you like your lifestyle, which doesn't include having a roommate at this stage of your life. Then determine whether her landlord definitely plans to raise her rent and by how much. With help from you and your brother, she may be able to remain independent or move in with him.

MoneyFamily & Parenting
life

Wife Resents Being Benched in Favor of Her Brother-in-Law

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 1st, 2019 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. Things are generally good, but we keep having the same old argument related to his little brother.

They have a close relationship, which is great, but I often end up feeling like I'm playing second fiddle to my brother-in-law. If I ask my husband to go out and do something on the weekend, he'll say he doesn't feel like it. Minutes later, if his brother makes the same suggestion, he's up and getting ready to go! Sometimes I end up along for the ride, which lessens the sting a little, but usually I'm left alone.

It wouldn't be so bad if not for the fact that I don't have family close by, and I'm the agency lead where I work, so having "work friends" isn't an option. This leaves my husband the only person I have to spend time with.

I have tried explaining this to him, but when I try, he overreacts and claims I don't want him to spend any time with his brother, which is not what I'm saying. I have begun to feel that he's honest with me when he says no to something, but just can't bring himself to say no to his brother. Either way, it's exhausting and ridiculous. Is there any way to address this, or do I just deal with the sting when it happens and let it go? -- COMPETING FOR ATTENTION

DEAR COMPETING: If you and your husband haven't blocked out some time each week to spend together -- a date night -- you should. While I don't think it's healthy for you to be entirely dependent upon him for social contact, I do think you should be higher on his list of priorities than his brother.

Because you have already discussed this and seem to have gotten nowhere, please consider finding some other social outlets so you aren't so isolated. Special interest groups or hobbies come to mind.

Marriage & DivorceFamily & Parenting
life

Uncovered Cough Prompts Rebuke of Customer in Line

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | February 1st, 2019 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was waiting in line to get a cup of coffee and the customer behind me was so close she was almost touching me. Then she coughed without covering her mouth. I stepped away, but she closed in on me and coughed again without covering.

I turned and politely asked her to step back and cover her mouth the next time she coughed. She said she had an allergy and not a cold. I suggested that because we are in the midst of cold and flu season, there's no way that I -- or anyone else -- could know the difference between a cough from allergy or illness. Was it rude on my part? Or should we all practice some courtesy by covering our mouths when we cough or sneeze? -- RUDE IN MINNESOTA

DEAR RUDE: What you said was not rude; it was common sense. The notion that if you don't think you're sick ("only allergic"), you have the right to cough on others is misguided. When you asked the woman not to hover near you, she should have respected your request, stepped back and not closed in again whether or not she continued to cough. Flu season is in full swing. That's why it's important for everyone who is out in public -- and exposed -- to practice good hygiene.

Etiquette & EthicsHealth & Safety

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