DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old daughter is being married this summer. This is her first marriage, and we are planning the wedding. She has never planned a big event like this before, and every suggestion I make gets us into a fight. I know it's upsetting her terribly, and it's upsetting me as well.

We have always been close. I understand it's her wedding, but I would like some input since my husband and I are paying for it, and there are certain traditions I would like continued. Also, every time I suggest inviting someone, her reaction is, "... I don't know. They're your friends, not mine." Well, I would like my friends to share this moment in my daughter's life. What's the solution here? -- FIGHTING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FIGHTING: You may be a "traditional" mother, but customs have changed since you were a bride. Among them is the fact that women your daughter's age usually pay for their own weddings, which entitles them to run their own show. I think the solution to your problem may involve suggesting that to your daughter. If you are footing the bill for the "show," you should absolutely have some say about the production, and your daughter should be mature enough to accept it -- along with the check -- or finance it herself.

DEAR ABBY: My son is 24 and in the military. He has always been sarcastic, and his humor always involves cutting the other person down. I think it can be part of the culture in the military, which has made it worse. I thought as he matured he would mellow. It wears you down and becomes exhausting after a while.

I'm afraid he'll never be able to find and keep a girlfriend if he keeps acting this way. The "humor" quickly wears thin, and no one wants to be spoken to like that.

When girls start dating, most of them are taught to watch how a guy treats his mother and sisters because that's how he'll treat her eventually. If a girlfriend of his heard how he speaks to me and his sisters, they would run. Nice girls want nice guys, who speak kindly. How do I talk to him about this, or should I just keep my mouth shut? -- EXHAUSTED IN THE EAST

DEAR EXHAUSTED: Not only should you not stay silent, recognize that you should have insisted your son treat you and his sisters with respect and consideration by the age of 10. While that message may be harder to impress upon him at this late date, have that discussion with him now, and point out what an unattractive personality trait he's displaying. If you want to couch it in terms of how it will affect his love life, by all means do. No woman with self-esteem would tolerate what he's doing for long because it's verbal abuse.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's ex-husband allowed his 5-year-old son to sleep with his girlfriend's 6-year-old daughter during a weekend visit. What do you think of this? -- CONCERNED GRANDMOTHER

DEAR CONCERNED: Not knowing either child, I hesitate to venture an opinion. Their parents are in a better position to decide something like this, so it may be a subject to raise with them if you haven't already.

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend and I have lived together off and on for three years. We met at a lesbian bar in Los Angeles, and it was love at first sight for me.

I suspect she has been seeing another woman. She has changed her dress style and even her cologne. When I confront her, begging her to tell me if she's been cheating, she laughs it off. We don't communicate well anymore, and she's sleeping in another room now.

I have cared for her for so long. We were going to be married. Now I feel she doesn't love me anymore. I have tried following her, but she disappears and sometimes doesn't come home for days. I haven't slept or eaten in weeks.

I love her so much. If she doesn't come back to me, I've had thoughts of suicide. I can't afford a shrink. I hope you can help. -- FREAKED OUT & CLUELESS IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FREAKED OUT: What's happening is painful, but you don't need a "shrink" to help you figure this out. People who love each other -- or even care about each other's feelings -- do not treat each other the way you are being treated. That your girlfriend has been seeing someone else is entirely possible. And whether she laughs it off or not, it isn't funny.

I know it's hard, but someone who acts the way she has isn't worth killing yourself over. It may be scary, but it's time for the two of you to separate. If you need emotional support, have friends with you when you tell her. And if you need more support than they can give, contact the nearest gay and lesbian center for counseling because they will be able to help you. Trust me, you'll be glad you did.

DEAR ABBY: My wife has gotten herself into more debt than she earns in a year. She finally confessed to me that she can make only the minimum payments on her credit cards.

She has asked me for help, but she refuses to allow me to monitor her progress paying off her debts. I have refused to help her get out of the hole she has dug for herself unless I have access to her credit card statements. She had the gall to be upset with my request. I no longer trust her to manage her spending. Am I wrong to feel this way? -- NEEDS ACCESS IN TEXAS

DEAR NEEDS ACCESS: No, you are not wrong. Your wife has a serious problem and is refusing to take the "medicine" that's required to fix it. I'm not sure what kind of help she expects from you, unless it's money to bail her out of her situation.

Some people shop for the "thrill"; others do it to cope with depression. I have mentioned an organization, Debtors Anonymous, in my column before. It's for individuals who are unable to control their spending. The website is debtorsanonymous.org, and you should look into it. However, if your wife continues to refuse to allow her spending to be monitored, for the sake of your own financial future, you should consult an attorney.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend I'll call Rose who likes to brag about how cheap she is. Sometimes when we're talking, she will interrupt me and ask, "How do you like my pants? I got them for a dollar at a yard sale." Or she'll say, "I got them for free."

Rose likes to draw attention to herself every time she wears something new by asking how I like it. Then she will tell me where she got it and how much it cost. I couldn't be less interested, and I'm tired of hearing about her tacky, cheap clothes.

We go to a water aerobics class together, and she will interrupt the class to ask how they like her "sexy" bathing suit. Abby, Rose is in her 70s and not sexy. I like her as a friend, but I am about ready to tell her to shut up! I don't want to be mean. How can I get across that I don't want to hear about her clothes? -- TIRED OF THE DISCOUNT FASHION SHOW

DEAR TIRED: If you say nothing, "Second Hand Rose" will continue her line of chatter. Try this: Say, "Rose, honey, you know how much I like you, but I wish you would stop talking about your wardrobe with me. You are interesting on so many other levels, and I'm just not into fashion." Then cross your fingers and hope your friend gets the message.

DEAR ABBY: Our friend's adult daughter has been dating a guy my friend does not approve of for about three years. The daughter moved in with him, and afterward one evening, told my husband and me. We are friends of her mom, but we agreed to say nothing because we didn't want to get in the middle, and it wasn't our news to tell.

The daughter recently told her mother (our friend) that she and the guy are living together and that we knew. Now her mom is no longer talking to us or to her daughter. Is there a way we could have handled it differently? Is there any way I can repair the situation? -- MISSING OUR BESTIE

DEAR MISSING: Your friend's daughter may be an adult chronologically, but she doesn't act like one. She should not have kept her living arrangement from her mother and shouldn't have asked you to keep the secret. Then she compounded it by betraying you.

In hindsight, you should have told the daughter immediately that the way to keep a secret is to tell no one, especially a close friend of her mother's, and encouraged her to level with her mom. And as to how to repair the breach -- all you can do is continue apologizing and hope that eventually your friend's fury will dissipate.

DEAR ABBY: I have a delicate problem with my boss at work. He seems to have a problem with constantly touching his crotch area (scratching, holding or laying a hand on it). I am not sure if it is a nervous thing or a problem. How should I address this without making matters worse for either myself or him? -- SARAH IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR SARAH: I wish you had mentioned whether other employees also see him do this. If they do and any of them are male, it might be less embarrassing for your boss if that employee would mention to him that others are noticing. However, if you are the only employee who sees him, then the most tactful way to handle it would be to keep your gaze resolutely above his beltline.