DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 31 years. We have four lovely children and seven grandchildren.

I went to visit a friend out of state for a week. After I returned home, I went to make our bed. When I pulled back the sheets, I found a pair of lacy underwear that is absolutely not mine. I want to confront my husband, but what if I'm wrong? I wonder if there's a logical explanation or it belongs to one of my children who no longer live in the house.

Abby, I love my husband, but I cannot tolerate betrayal like this. What should I do? -- ON PINS AND NEEDLES

DEAR ON PINS AND NEEDLES: Unless your husband has taken to wearing lacy underwear to bed, it appears there may have been a sleepover guest in your absence. Show him what you found, tell him you love him but will not tolerate a betrayal like this. Then insist on marriage counseling. If he values your 31-year marriage, he will take you up on it.

DEAR ABBY: I have just learned that a woman I have been very close with for the last 2 1/2 years has been faking breast cancer. She's a single mother. I decided to be there for her when she first told me about it, and have helped her extensively to pay for her chemo, radiation and other treatments. It turns out the payments were going toward luxuries and cosmetic surgery I discovered only later. The biggest violation for me in all of this was the emotional manipulation.

I have many questions now about how to proceed, but my question to you is: Can someone who is capable of doing this ever truly change? She has expressed some remorse and said that she wants help, but I'm not sure how to proceed. Most people have told me to cut my losses and just walk away or take legal action. There are so many questions involved in this betrayal, but I need to know if there is any hope for someone like this. -- CUTTING MY LOSSES

DEAR CUTTING: Not in my opinion. The woman has sociopathic tendencies -- she has no conscience, as she has amply demonstrated.

You should absolutely take legal action if you're interested in recouping your money. The first step would be to contact the police because the woman has committed fraud. The next step should be to call your lawyer. As to your hurt from her emotional manipulation, recognize that it's time to divorce yourself from your relationship with her.

DEAR ABBY: When children/babies are screaming, crying or misbehaving in a restaurant and the parents do nothing, can we approach them or tell our server to approach them to quiet their child or take the child outside? This happens frequently, and it ruins our dinner. We are senior citizens and would like to enjoy a quiet and peaceful meal. What's the proper way to handle this annoying situation? -- IRRITATED DINER

DEAR IRRITATED DINER: When a child is screaming or misbehaving, a good parent takes the child outside until he/she calms down so other patrons are not bothered. When you encounter a parent who has such little consideration for the rest of the patrons in the restaurant, do not approach. Ask the server to do it or refer the problem to the manager.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 19-year-old college student (female) who needs advice regarding something I'm trying to figure out. An ex-boyfriend I'm good friends with recently introduced me to his new girlfriend, and I took a more-than-friendly liking to her at first meeting.

My feelings about her confused me at first. Then I began thinking about my past and realized I'm attracted to both men and women. I always thought I was simply curious, but now I'm sure it's more than that.

My family and friends are liberal and open-minded. I know they'll love me no matter what, but I'm confused about how I feel. While I have dated only men so far, I'd be more than willing to call a woman a partner as well. How do I come to terms with this personal revelation while I'm still exploring it? -- BI-CONFUSED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BI-CONFUSED: The logical way to come to terms with the revelation would be to follow it and see where it leads. I would only caution you to make sure the person is available and the interest is mutual when you do.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Aiden," and I have been together for eight months. We're both in our 20s. We go to his parents' house every other week for dinner. I get along with them quite well.

The problem is, Aiden's family eats very quickly, and I'm always the last one done. My family, on the other hand, tends to spend about an hour around the dinner table when we gather. Even when I try to eat quickly, I'm still way behind Aiden's family.

How can I politely address this? I hate to keep people waiting, but I believe it's wrong to leave food on my plate when I'm still hungry. -- CHEWING AS FAST AS I CAN

DEAR CHEWING: I agree you shouldn't leave food on your plate if you are still hungry. Eating slowly, thoroughly chewing one's food and enjoying a meal in a relaxed manner is healthy. Wolfing down one's food really isn't. You are not going to change Aiden's family's lifestyle. If you bring this up, they may become defensive. Just enjoy your food as you have been, and let them enjoy theirs in the way they are used to.

DEAR ABBY: What is an appropriate age to stop sending money or gifts to nieces, nephews and grandchildren? I have two nephews, and one of them turns 22 next month. I have been sending gifts or money for birthdays and Christmas ever since they were born, and I worry that they expect me to keep doing this until I pass away.

It is not that I can't afford to send these gifts, but as adults they shouldn't expect me to continue sending them money. I dread when my nephews start having children. Does that constitute another long-term obligation? -- BUYING THEIR LOVE IN ATLANTA

DEAR BUYING: The appropriate age to turn off the automated gift spigot would be when the "child" stops showing appreciation for the gifts or reaches adulthood. You are not obligated to give your nephews gifts for their children unless you are attending their baby showers or birthday celebrations.

DEAR ABBY: I'm struggling with a situation with my friends and colleagues.

I have a routine I stick to which keeps my priorities in check. I get done with work, go home, have dinner, work out and spend quality time with my puppy. Lately, people keep inviting me to weeknight happy hours and get-togethers, but more often than not, I don't want to go.

I'm conflicted because I feel obligated to go and be a "good friend," but if I do, I'm left feeling resentful because my routine has been interrupted. I'm also not one of those people who wants to be invited to everything and truly wouldn't be hurt to be excluded altogether. Please help. -- TIME FOR MYSELF IN THE EAST

DEAR TIME: Do not socially isolate yourself completely. Explain to your close friends and colleagues that you need your routine in order to function your best, which is why, although you would like to, you are unable to accept all the invitations you are being offered. Then pick and choose so you join them once or twice a month, and they won't think you don't like them -- particularly your colleagues.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 35 years. My oldest daughter, Amanda (now 39), wanted to find her "roots." I gave her as much info as I could find out about her dad, and she contacted and kind of enveloped herself into his family. Not good enough of a family, I guess, because now she has taken a DNA test. Now I'm really angry.

Amanda sent a text from an unknown "sister" asking if I knew who the daddy was. Why does the daddy du jour matter that much? Amanda was raised by a strong, loving and responsible man -- my husband. Are cheek swabs eliminating family? -- REAL FAMILY IN THE WEST

DEAR REAL FAMILY: On the contrary. They appear to be expanding "family" by leaps and bounds. Like many others, Amanda feels a need to know more about her background. You shouldn't feel angry about her curiosity because it's normal. That said, knowing the identity of her birth father should in no way lessen the importance of your husband in her life, particularly if they have had a close relationship.

DEAR ABBY: A couple of years ago, I gave a friend a nice birthday gift that was for the whole family. It was a one-of-a-kind item I thought they would really enjoy. I had researched and read up on it and then had the piece custom designed. They said they loved the item when it arrived, but I have never seen them use it. When I ask where it is, they tell me it's still wrapped up in a box under the bed because they don't have room for it. I believe it, because their apartment is very crowded.

Would it be OK to ask if I could buy it back? I would like to have it since they are not using it. I am willing to pay whatever price they would feel comfortable with. Would this put them in an uncomfortable situation? -- NOT SURE IN NEW YORK

DEAR NOT SURE: Not knowing your friends, I can't predict what their reaction to your proposal would be. However, because the item is not being used, I don't think it would be out of line to ask the question. Go for it.