DEAR ABBY: My older sister, "Lily," is in a biracial marriage and has a son. Our dad never approved. He gave her an ultimatum when she first met "Rodney": Choose between him or our family. She chose Rodney.

After 30 years of Dad not speaking to her and influencing us siblings to feel the same way, our mother died and Dad rekindled his relationship with Lily. He's 82 now, and he puts her and her family first. He spends a lot of money on them and spends a lot of time with her and her son.

The rest of us feel so much resentment. I realize he's making up for lost time and feels guilty. But it's sickening when we remember how he pushed us to feel the way he did back then and now expects us to do an emotional 180. We are OK with being with our sister and her family. It's Dad we're having the problem with. How do we move on? -- UPSET IN THE EAST

DEAR UPSET: I wish you had mentioned what caused your father's change of heart because it would have been a valuable lesson for a lot of readers. He did a disservice to all of you by teaching hate rather than love and acceptance. Now you have decades of lost time to make up for.

Anger, resentment and bigotry serve no one well. Your father recognizes the mistake he made by shunning his daughter and her family, and he's trying to make up for it. As I write this, I'm reminded of a line from the "Peace Prayer of St. Francis": "Where there is hatred, let me sow love." Good for your father! The way for you to move on would be to recognize it's time to forgive him for the damage he caused your family because, if you don't, you and your siblings will perpetuate it.

DEAR ABBY: I have worked for my husband, "Ben," in a small firm for 20 years, but members of my family still think I don't have a "real" job. I did it so I'd have flexibility in taking care of our children, participating in PTA and other school activities, and be involved in the community. This benefits us not only as a family but also Ben's business.

I work a 40-plus-hour week, just not necessarily 9 to 5. So why does my family think they can call me at work, especially on my cell, for non-work-related issues? They wouldn't call their friends or children at work, so why, despite my asking them repeatedly not to, do they still call, or worse, drop in? How can I make them stop bothering me? -- AT WORK

DEAR AT WORK: Because you have asked your relatives not to call between certain hours, screen your calls before answering your phone. When they ask why you didn't pick up, repeat the message that you were working and please not to call you at that time. If they drop in, quit being so available. Repeat that they have come at a time that's inconvenient, and give them a time when you can socialize.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Roxanne," married right out of high school. Eleven years later she finally woke up and realized the man of her dreams was a deadbeat. She has now been divorced as long as she was married, still looking for a good man who will love her and share a future with her.

She's very sensitive, and I don't know how to tell her she needs to change her attitude about life in general, because no one wants to hear her recite all the bad things that have happened to her since childhood. She has always had a hard time letting go of small slights, from things that go on at work to as far back as school or sibling feuds.

Roxanne is a wonderful, beautiful woman, and my heart breaks to think of her spending the rest of her life alone. Her dad and I won't live forever. I'm afraid if I tell her how I feel, she'll no longer want to confide in me and talk out her problems. (I am her sounding board.) I don't mind listening so she can get it out of her system, but how do I get her to let it go and move forward? -- MOM WHO LOVES HER IN KENTUCKY

DEAR MOM: You mean well, but it may be time to cut back on being your daughter's sounding board, which seems more like a dumping ground. Tell her you love her, but that repeating her unresolved grievances is getting her nowhere. She needs to talk to a licensed professional. Urge her to discuss these painful things with a therapist who can put her on a path to putting them behind her.

DEAR ABBY: I am a junior in college, and I recently transferred from a two-year school to a four-year school. I have made a few friends, but their class loads are so heavy I don't get to spend much time with them. I, on the other hand, have a modest class load, so I have more free time, and I'd like to make more friends.

I have considered joining one of the two sororities on campus. But I am worried that if I do I will have to change my personality and likes/dislikes in order to fit in. Many of the girls at this school are very "cookie cutter," while I'm a more "eat the whole roll of cookie dough" type of person. I'm not concerned with how I look vs. how they look, but rather if I will fit in. I want more friends and friendships that will last beyond school, but I don't want to lose who I am because I joined a sorority. Please help. -- TO RUSH OR NOT TO RUSH

DEAR TO RUSH OR NOT: Don't rush to rush. A sorority is not the only way you can connect with people. Membership in a sorority does not guarantee that you will have friendships that last beyond college. They are like any other living arrangement -- people make friends with others they connect with. If you want to widen your social circle, the same thing can be accomplished by living in a dorm and joining clubs and special interest groups on campus.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years. The drawback is he's a workaholic. We have not spent even one day together doing something fun in more than 10 years.

We both work full-time and live on a small farm. My husband is a carpenter. He collects tractors and works hay fields all summer long. Because he comes in late each evening, I often eat dinner alone. On weekends, he's working on his tractors or cutting and baling hay.

I do see him a bit more during the winter months, but he thinks it's a waste of time and money to go somewhere nice for dinner or take a weekend getaway. When I do travel, it is with my siblings because my husband prefers to stay home and work.

I love him, but I'm beginning to feel like I am not his top priority. I am lonely for his companionship. I just don't know how to handle this. He's pretty set in his ways. Help. -- WITHERING IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WITHERING: A husband who is unwilling to devote time to his wife doesn't sound "wonderful" to me. Perhaps you should consider having a snack after you return from work, so you can have dinner with him when he comes in.

You appear to have a communication problem. Tell him what you want, and don't be shy about it. Say you love him but need more of him than he has given you for a long time. He needs to know his wife feels she's playing second fiddle to his tractor collection. If he is unwilling to listen, then you will have to evaluate whether you want to spend the rest of your life "withering."

DEAR ABBY: I am married to a successful mental health professional, and I applaud how you recommend therapy or counseling when it is called for. I have noticed that some of your readers have written, "I tried it already, but it didn't work." To these people, my husband always says:

"Therapists are like shoes. Sometimes you need to try on a few before you find a good fit. And, like shoes, you can grow out of them and need new ones. Sometimes you need a more appropriate pair that matches a different lifestyle. (You wouldn't go running in high heels, or wear flip-flops to business meetings.)

"Ask to talk to potential therapists before hiring one. Ask questions. Get a feel for their personality and style. Ask how they might treat different issues and what types of therapy they practice, and inquire about sliding-scale fees if money is an issue. If a therapist's style doesn't match your needs, ask for a referral to someone else who might be a better fit."

Abby, please encourage your readers not to give up. There is help out there for everyone. -- MATT IN MARYLAND

DEAR MATT: I like your spouse's analogy and suggestions for finding a psychotherapist who's a good fit. Thank you for taking the time to write and share the wisdom.