life

Grandparent Feels That Family Has Been Slowly Drifting Apart

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 14th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, my son and his family moved a couple of hours away. He's my only child. I know he's busy with his wife, two children and his job, but I would like to hear from him more than every two weeks -- or longer -- just to know what is going on in their lives. He told me I could call him, but I feel like I'm imposing. I'd like to be more involved in their lives. I would also like to be closer to my daughter-in-law. We have had a couple of good phone conversations recently, but I sense that she wants her own space.

I'm not an overbearing person, and I'm working on expectations vs. reality, being overly emotional when my expectations are not met and fear of sharing these emotions because I'm afraid my son and his wife won't like what I have to say. I feel they have been pushing me away.

What can I do, other than wait for them to call and work on how not to get upset when they don't include me? They have let the grandchildren stay with me a couple of weeks at different times over the summer. I'm trying to do things with friends, but I really prefer being around my son and family because I feel happier (or used to). It has been heartbreaking. -- WORKING ON IT

DEAR WORKING ON IT: Your son has told you it's all right to call him, so you should. Because of the blessing of modern technology, there are other options as well -- texting, video chat, etc. If you are unfamiliar with them, make it a point to learn. Be grateful your son and his family are independent, and try harder to fill more of your time with hobbies and interests of your own. If you do, you will be a more interesting person to be around. Your son and his wife should not be the focus of your life the way he was when he was a child and you were responsible for him. It isn't healthy for you or your relationship with them.

Family & Parenting
life

Couple Clashes Over Whether to Leave a Party Together

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 14th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are in our late 20s and get into arguments about what time to leave a party. I usually need to leave around 11:00 p.m. or midnight, and I think he should leave when I do.

I'm a full-time student with a full-time job, so I don't go out often. Between school and work, I don't have weekends off like he does. He accuses me of being selfish for wanting him to leave. He says he doesn't want to be "lame." I don't think it's appropriate for a woman to leave a party on her own. Am I selfish? Should I try to stay up later so he can have a good time? -- PARTY ETIQUETTE

DEAR PARTY ETIQUETTE: No, your job and your studies have to be your top priority. Years ago, I would have agreed that your fiance should leave with you. However, these days, women are more independent. Cellphones and ride-sharing have given us other options. Unless you are concerned that leaving alone would be dangerous, don't turn it into an argument if he wants to stay.

Love & DatingEtiquette & EthicsWork & School
life

Mom's Questionable Behavior Has Eroded Daughter's Trust

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My mother did something very disrespectful. She picked up my former boyfriend and took him to her house, saying she needed help with her curtains or something. He said when she came back in the room, she just had on a slip, like she was trying to seduce him. When I asked her if what he said about her was true, she replied, "Maybe I did, maybe I didn't." Not long after that, I began distancing myself from her.

After I got married, she told a relative she didn't believe my baby daughter was my husband's. I was understandably upset. When I questioned her about it, she was shocked because she didn't know my cousin had told me. Right now, I don't care to be around her. I still send her cards for her birthday and Christmas, but I don't trust her anymore. What should I do? -- CAN'T TRUST MY MOTHER

DEAR CAN'T TRUST HER: It's sad, but not all parents are loving and supportive. In fact, some of them are toxic. Your mother appears to be one of the latter, so listen to your gut. Continue to be respectful, as you have been doing, but also continue to keep your distance. And if you are tempted to confide in her about anything private, don't do it.

Family & Parenting
life

Couple Must Choose Between Practical and Unusual Names for Children

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 3

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have decided to start a family, and the topic of names arose. My wife, who was born and raised in India, is insisting on Indian names for our children. The problem is they are often difficult to pronounce and spell. I'm not opposed to Indian middle names, but think traditional "Western" names may be more suitable, since we will live in the United States. How can I make my wife understand that having "unusual" names makes certain aspects of kids' lives more difficult? -- MAKING LIFE EASY

DEAR MAKING: Your wife's concept of giving the children Indian names is lovely. However, practically speaking, I agree with you. Popular names in one country can cause problems for a child living in another one. Not only can foreign names be difficult to pronounce and spell, but they can also cause a child to be teased unmercifully. Sometimes the name can be a problematic word in the English language. And one that sounds beautiful in a foreign language can be grating in English.

I hope your wife will rethink this. Why saddle a kid with a name he or she will have to explain or correct with friends, teachers and fellow employees from childhood into adulthood?

Family & Parenting
life

Old Report Cards Reveal More Than Grades

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 13th, 2018 | Letter 3 of 3

DEAR ABBY: A month ago, while in the process of moving, I found some of my brother's old report cards from elementary school 60 years ago. His teacher reported behavior issues, but by the end of the school year, she reported improvement. My brother is a successful businessman now with a family. Should I give him the report cards or discard them? -- BIG SIS IN OHIO

DEAR BIG SIS: Call your brother and tell him what you found. The two of you could have a good laugh about it. Then ask him what he wants done with his old report cards and do as he requests.

Family & ParentingWork & School
life

Man's Social Anxieties Prolong His Loneliness

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2018 | Letter 1 of 2

DEAR ABBY: When I was a teenager, there were many times when I made things awkward. It continues today. I try to have normal conversations with people, but when I do, I have nothing to say. My mind goes blank, so I keep quiet and walk away. I feel like the odd person out each time and like I'm not good enough, and it really sucks.

The only time I'm successful socially with people is at work because I'm kind of forced to be. I really want to make friends and possibly get a girl in my life, but it's almost impossible to do with my social skills. This is so depressing and disappointing that I'm almost ready to quit trying. I need some tips and guidance. Do you have any? -- FRUSTRATED GUY IN FAIRBANKS

DEAR FRUSTRATED GUY: I think so. If you think you are alone in having this problem, you are mistaken. The majority of people have the same insecurities you do. No one is born knowing how to be social. Social adeptness is a skill like any other. It can be learned and, with some practice and effort, polished until it becomes second nature.

You don't have to be handsome to be well-groomed. You don't have to be brilliant or witty, either. Part of being social is showing an interest in other people. Ask them about what they think and encourage them to share their interests and opinions. And when they tell you, be a good listener. Cultivate your own interests and you will have something to talk about with others.

My booklet "How to Be Popular" contains tips on how to approach others, and what to say and what not to say when trying to make conversation. It can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds), to Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mt. Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. When you receive it, don't read it just once. Keep it on hand for reference because it contains many helpful suggestions about how to be the kind of individual others find interesting and attractive. Be courteous and show kindness to others. If you do these things, you will find the results you're looking for.

Love & DatingWork & SchoolFriends & Neighbors
life

Adult Children Try to Dictate Who Dad Dates

Dear Abby by by Abigail Van Buren
by Abigail Van Buren
Dear Abby | September 12th, 2018 | Letter 2 of 2

DEAR ABBY: I was divorced three years ago after being married for 28 years. My ex-wife and I had spent the previous 10 years in counseling. I currently go to post-divorce counseling, and my counselor agrees that I was mistreated by my ex and our adult children, who treated me more like an employee.

I have begun seeing a much younger woman, and two of my kids say any relationship with them is predicated on my dating someone "my own age." I feel this is wrong, and that it's a continuation of them treating me as a servant/dad, versus as a person. My counselor suggests walking away for a bit, to establish new boundaries. Your thoughts? -- BUTLER DAD IN TEXAS

DEAR DAD: I think you should listen to your therapist.

Marriage & DivorceLove & DatingFamily & Parenting

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